I saw Jim DeMint on a news show this evening, and when asked about the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, he started his answer by saying: “Now, I’m not rich…” Yes, at only about $174,000 a year, he’s probably barely scraping by! It’s a good thing he’s got all that free medical care and all the other perks he gets as a senator. Oh, and in addition to which he'll make tons of cash on speaking tours, book deals, and political punditry on Fox News when he retires. Plus, it’s also lucky that like most of us, the Senate gets to vote themselves a pay-raise whenever they want one. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise! (Oh, you don't get one whenever you want it? Whatever! {Loser...}) After all, it’s hard work spending other people’s money! And knowing all that money isn’t yours must be very annoying when you only earn a paltry $174,000 per annum. That’s why he said he’s not rich right away: he’s probably constantly frustrated at how little he gets of all the huge sums of cash that pass through his hands while he helps spend America into bankruptcy, and it’s most likely the first thing on his mind whenever he has to use his brain for anything.
That’s why it’s such a good thing that I have conceived of an idea that will make him a rich man virtually overnight! That’s right: start his own brand of liqueur! It could be called: “Crème de Jim DeMint”! There is a brand of fruit crème liqueur from South Africa with an elephant on the package, and since he’s a Republican, and their symbol is the elephant, perhaps he could just slap his name on a bottle of that stuff and he’d be on his way! Why, surely everybody would want to buy a bottle of Crème de Jim DeMint, even if only for the inherent comic factor of having it. And as a play on the name, and as a great promotional device, Senator DeMint should have his own personal “Weinergate” scandal, where he could get famous for being forced to resign in disgrace for naughty pictures on the internet; then he could say: “If you enjoyed that, then you’ll really love Crème de Jim DeMint! Ask for it by name at a liquor store near you!” And then they could keep on using the naughty pictures from the scandal as the print ads for the liqueur. It’s a can’t-miss get-rich-quick plan that’s idiot proof (which is very convenient in this case!) and can’t fail! (But I get 10% for thinking it up!)
