A breaking news story today talks about a new court order for the woman accused of stalking Alec Baldwin to stay away from him. I thought for a second upon hearing Alec Baldwin has a stalker, and I thought it might suggest a possible ad. And then when I read she’s an actress, something occurred to me…
Hey, stalkers have to spend a lot of time on their feet, right? And especially in a paved-over place like New York City, that’s got to be hard on someone’s feet, right? Well, since this lady is already an actress, and so she can easily act well enough to do a commercial, then why not feature her in a spot for some really comfortable women’s shoes, like, for example, Easy Spirit? (Easy Spirit used to have women play basketball games wearing Easy Spirit pumps in their ads to prove their shoes are comfortable, but now with the WNBA, that’s not so groundbreaking anymore, since they all wear Easy Spirit shoes on the basketball court all the time now, and we’re all so used to it. But what about having a famous stalker of a huge celebrity do ads for their shoes now? And since we’re in such a celebrity-obsessed culture, everyone will relate to it! Plus, it will help potential celebrity stalkers find comfortable shoes to stalk in!) Then it would show everyone how completely comfortable their shoes really are! So here’s how this ad would play out:
The ad opens with a P.O.V. shot of someone watching as Alec Baldwin is whistling to a police officer on the street from his apartment building stoop, and he points at the camera that’s filming the spot, and the camera then runs around the corner and hides behind a building. Then, the camera cuts to another shot, this time of the star of the commercial, the alleged Alec Baldwin stalker, Genevieve Sabourin, and she says: “Stalking a celebrity is a crime: against your feet! Walking endlessly back and forth down the same block, standing in the street and hiding in alleys all day and night, and running from the police again and again is murder on your feet! Unless you wear Easy Spirit shoes! So while my heart is heavy with rage and obsession, my feet are light and carefree! And all thanks to Easy Spirit shoes: the shoes that are so comfortable, the hours feel like minutes as you stalk your prey! That’s Easy Spirit shoes: stalking in anything else is a crime indeed! Oops, here come the cops! Gotta go: Bye!” And then she runs away. (And, naturally, we are shown video of her doing the things she describes, like walking back and forth on the same block, hiding in an alley, running from the police, etc. And to be even more convincing, they could show what her feet used to look like when she used to go stalking in like Jimmy Choo shoes or whatever high heels, with corns and bunions and blisters and stuff, and then show her feet now, after a long day of stalking, looking completely injury- and pain-free thanks to Easy Spirit shoes: the stalkers’ savior!) And then they sing: “Looks like a pump, feels like a stalker!” (<Their old slogan used to be: “Looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker!”)
See? It would demonstrate once and for all that Easy Spirit shoes are the most comfortable women’s shoes in the world! And because this woman is already an actress, she won’t seem stagy or wooden in her performance. Plus, they could just send a camera crew to film her in her normal stalker routine, and it will look like so many other documentaryesque movies with the shaky-cam we’ve all grown so accustomed to (and hate). Plus, maybe as partial payment, they could provide her with an Alec Baldwin impersonator for the evening, or at least a night out with one of the other Baldwin brothers.
(BTW: This is a joke on our celebrity-obsessed culture, and not intended to slander anyone, especially Easy Spirit shoes, which are very good, from what I understand. But if they wanted a very sensational ad campaign everyone would notice and remember forever, this could be a good choice. But maybe a joke version of this idea, with a different actress, and a fictitious celebrity stalkee, would be a better way to go, skewering this issue for fun; because actually hiring a real {alleged} stalker would be extremely yucky.)
Here’s the stalker-soothing shoes story:
