(Part of the unconditioned response “Titanic Weekend”: It gives you “that sinking feeling”!)
On the 100th anniversary of the Titanic (I know, I know; it's tomorrow: I couldn't wait either!), I would like to suggest a different way to celebrate this great tragic historical event other than the shamelessly exploitative 3D re-release of James Cameron’s movie Titanic: that would be instead with the even more exploitative Titanic sequel: Titanic 2: The Dinghy!
So, this new movie: Titanic 2: The Dinghy, would start after the sinking of the Titanic, and it would star the three leads of the original Titanic: Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Billy Zane, but with them playing different characters in the same type of class-system-violating love-triangle as in the first movie. So what happens is this: they’re all three in a tiny lifeboat, the eponymous dinghy of the title, and it would be just those three in the small boat together. They will have worked together to save themselves and each other in the panic of the moment, but once the danger was over, they would fall right back into their love-triangle hate-fest.
So immediately after getting over the initial relief of surviving the ship’s sinking, the two men begin fighting over Kate Winslet’s character, with each man claiming she’s their fiancée, etc. And then Kate Winslet’s character would get mad that she’s being treated like a possession without a will of her own, and they’d all start fighting amongst themselves, pushing and shoving and wrestling all around. Well, all this rocking of the boat is too much for our poor helpless dinghy, and it capsizes and sinks, killing the three star-crossed lovers in the process! (Oh, the humanity!) The End.
Want to see it? Nag James Cameron, Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Billy Zane! But no Celine Dion songs this time, okay? They make Kate Winslet “throw up”.* And that makes it even harder to film a story on a boat, where everyone is already seasick.
* Actually, maybe that would be a good weight-loss program for me to try, now that I’m getting a belly! After all, Celine Dion might make me throw up too, and then I could eat whatever I wanted to! Oh, but then I’d have to listen to Celine Dion (!). Never mind: I guess body image brainwashing really is destructive after all!
