Man, I can’t tell you how bored I am with all this arguing about the Second Amendment! It’s always the same crap: gun control vs. freedom, etc. It’s bullsh*t, man! If I continually have to be subjected to some stupid, endless struggle over something regarding the Second Amendment, the least they could do is make it entertaining, right? That’s why I think they should stop arguing about gun control, and start arguing and fighting about what “the right to bear arms” actually means! I mean, sure, the courts could settle it, but that would just be “judicial activism”, man! We’ve got to fight for our right to bear arms! (Oh, sorry: do I owe the Beastie Boys a credit there or something?)
But what exactly does it mean, this right to bear arms? I’m so tired of all this gun stuff always hogging the spotlight: when are we going to actually decide important things, like, what exactly does the right to bear arms really mean? Does it mean guns, or swords, or knives, or did it instead look ahead to the future, when mankind could develop the technology to actually graft a bear’s arms onto a person? You know that’s what they really meant! (They believed in science and medicine back then!)
So if my wish could come true, rather than seeing people argue about gun rights vs. gun restrictions, we’d really get to see something fun: guys with guns fighting to the death against guys with grizzly bear arms grafted onto them! Oh, but these bear-armed guys aren’t dumb: they’re wearing bullet-proof vests and helmets (!). So you never know what could happen! And it would play out live, in front of all the news cameras! Just think of it: Huge men with furry arms and sharp, lethal claws ripping the flesh off of camouflage-wearing, gun-toting hunter-types, and mercenaries armed to the teeth with assault rifles blowing away hybrid monster beast-men! It would be awesome! Claws vs. lead in this fight to the finish for what the Second Amendment really means! And whoever wins gets to decide what rights we have as a nation!
(And if the “bear-armed” clan wins, we can’t have any more guns, but we’re allowed to fight instead with the even more awesome and exploitation-y bear arms and claws stuff! And then some crafty lawyer would argue that we should get to have bear teeth too, and that actually, the Founding Fathers only meant that we could have whatever claws and teeth, etc., are the sharpest and most dangerous in all of nature to defend ourselves with {since they didn’t know about all of nature when they said that}, so we could have swordfish noses and sawfish hands, piranha-toothed nostrils, giant scorpion stingers, etc. Just think of it! You think guns are cool? Wait until you’ve got an armadillo shell and a shark head with a rhino horn, and with a piranha mouth on all your fingertips! It’s coming: you’ll see! And then we could go visit foreign countries and intimidate everyone without even getting in trouble with the TSA first! If they think we’re “ugly Americans” now, wait until we all have furry bear arms and claws and shark heads and stuff! Let’s see them call us “ugly Americans” then! {Claw! Munch!})
