This is the ad I found on YouTube that is almost two whole minutes long, and it shows those motorcycle riders riding their bikes on the vertical “Wall of Death”, and then a driver in a little Mazda car does it. So that must mean cars can do this easily, and we all should do it! I used to think those motorcyclists were brave and talented, but I guess if a clumsy car can do it so easily, then they’re not so hot after all.
What I like best about this commercial is that it does not begin with a disclaimer buzzkillingly asking us not to try this at home, the absence of which I think we all know means Mazda is challenging us all to do it, or else they will tell everyone we’re pansies! And that means we’re all encouraged, perhaps even obliged, to try it! And when we all crash and die, then our families can sue Mazda and live high on the hog on the settlements! Whoo hoo!
Oh, but perhaps this is their plan all along: for this commercial was probably made by another car company to try to put Mazda out of business! And then they’ll just continue to make ads like this one with different car brands, getting more and more people killed in those cars, and all so these car companies will get sued and go out of business, and then they will be the last car company standing, and as a result be the only company still making cars, so we’ll all have to buy cars from them and them alone! Oh, but then they can jack up the prices like a corrupt monopoly, gouging us ridiculously for even the cheapest, chintziest cars imaginable! And then only the richest of the rich will be able to afford cars, and everyone else, with no mode of transportation, will lose their jobs and have to sell homemade crocheted Darth Vader tea cozies on Etsy to make ends meet! And then cars will become a thing of the past, except for the super-rich, and oil companies will all go out of business (except for one guy’s back yard oil derrick), and the world economy will crash, and all because of this commercial! (Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen this one on TV before: because it’s too threatening to world financial security, and is too dangerous to the OPEC cartel!)
Oh, but then the paternity of this advertisement becomes more questionable, doesn’t it? Threatening to collapse the oil market as it does, perhaps it’s not made by a car company after all, but merely (gasp!) made to appear as though it was made by a car company (!), in order to fool us all! And so then we must ask the question: Who benefits from this scenario of creating a commercial that eradicates the oil industry like this one has? (Okay, it hasn’t yet, but it will: it will! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life! {Oh, sorry, that’s from Casablanca, and not this situation.}) Why, there’s only lots of groups that would like to do that, so it must be Al Gore! And Keith Olbermann must have found out about it and threatened to report on it, and that’s why he was fired: simply for trying to warn us of the truth!
I knew it! Keith Olbermann was simply trying to warn us we wouldn’t be getting any more “a-bubblin’ crude” (oil that is: “black gold”, “Texas Tea”*: its “street names”! {We are “addicted to oil”, after all!}), and he was going to blow the whistle! (Because after all, that would make The Beverly Hillbillies poor again! They’d lose their home and their livelihood, and in this economy too! That’s just mean!) Well, now Olbermann will probably have no choice but to become an oil company lobbyist: how else can he rake in all those millions and finally be able to afford a home classy enough to be worthy of the “chandelier” that is himself? But by getting rid of oil and gas emissions from automobiles, this will demonstrate once and for all that it is not in reality carbon emissions causing global warming, but all the hot air coming from political pundits that’s to blame (!!). And just because he lost his job, Keith Olbermann will be putting all the other pundits out of a job too! (Talk about sour grapes! {Grapes need lots of hot air to ripen and become sweet, you see.}) And then we’ll have nothing left to read and see on the news except for facts! (Oh, the humanity!)
Here’s the centrifugally careening car commercial conspiracy:
* (That’s from The Beverly Hillbillies theme song.)
