Hey! They just fixed the problem with Gatorade! No, sorry:
they didn’t start calling it “Gatorade” again, it’s still called: “G” (blow-a-raspberry sound effect). But what they did is even better! They’ve got a new bottle now, and it fixes all the
old problems from before! You see, the biggest problem I used to have with
Gatorade was that they always used to give me too much of it, and always for
too little money, and in a shape I instantly recognized! (Sarcasm!) Well, they’ve fixed that now with this new bottle
shape, that finally gives us less product for the same price (but will probably
be more money very soon)! It’s perfect!
Hey, thanks, Gatorade! Now your stuff looks as lame as
Powerade! (And that makes me think it is,
too!) And I agree: screw success, let’s play around with it until we finally
find failure! You’ll get there eventually: just keep on trying! (Dummies! Have
you ever heard of the expression: “Don’t mess with success”? Well, you’re
messing with it, guys!)
Holy crap! Do I really have to sit here and tell Gatorade
for free how to not step into the traps of their marketing company? I mean,
really! I guess they hate success! Oh, well…
Even if they are now selling us 4-ounces-less of liquid for
the same price as before, they are now losing that immediately-recognizable
bottle shape that I would have automatically grabbed-for until I died. But not
now: for this new bottle looks like something else entirely. I hardly even
recognized it! Well, I guess you guys know what you’re doing, right? According
to the sales figures I’ve seen, you guys have spent lots of money to re-brand
an already-famous and well-known brand as something most people don’t know as
well, and now you’re spending even more money to ruin your trademark bottle
design: great job, guys! So when you earn a loss next year vs. your marketing
spending costs, look me up, and I’ll show you for free how to undo it all.
(Okay, I’ll tell you now: Go back to calling it “Gatorade”, and use your famous
and instantly-recognizable bottle design! Nobody wanted you to change it,
except for the guys who tricked you into doing it for money! You are already a
successful icon, so you’re only doing yourselves damage with this unnecessary
re-design! Duh. Have you ever heard of brand identity? You used to have it in
spades! Now, it’s getting shaky, and you’re heading into “New Coke” territory.
Are you about to switch to corn syrup from sugar?)
And I only care because I love Gatorade (and I have for
years)! It feels like you’re killing someone I love right in front of me! Aaaarrrggghhh! (Okay, it's not really that bad. And apparently, only 7-11 carries these new bottle shapes. Go figure. I thought they were replacing the bottle design for good. So hopefully they are not doing that now?)
BTW: When I wrote this, a whole store where I live replaced their entire stock of Gatorade (oh, sorry, I mean: "G") bottles with these new bottles I'm complaining about here. But since this time, it has become clear that only this one store (7-11) has the new, differently-shaped and slightly smaller-volume bottles. So maybe they either axed the new bottles, they ship them only to one company, or else all the other stores are still selling their old stock of the old bottles, which must be massively overstocked indeed! I don't really know which. But the new bottles, despite their new, more generic shape, are much easier to open, so at least there's that. But since Gatorade has lots of carbs and is as such fattening, perhaps the impossible-to-open caps are designed to help us burn off a few extra calories.
BTW: When I wrote this, a whole store where I live replaced their entire stock of Gatorade (oh, sorry, I mean: "G") bottles with these new bottles I'm complaining about here. But since this time, it has become clear that only this one store (7-11) has the new, differently-shaped and slightly smaller-volume bottles. So maybe they either axed the new bottles, they ship them only to one company, or else all the other stores are still selling their old stock of the old bottles, which must be massively overstocked indeed! I don't really know which. But the new bottles, despite their new, more generic shape, are much easier to open, so at least there's that. But since Gatorade has lots of carbs and is as such fattening, perhaps the impossible-to-open caps are designed to help us burn off a few extra calories.
