Ah, yes: Dark Shadows.
I’ve been hearing for years that Johnny Depp has been wanting to make a movie
remake of this for a long time, but not until recently had I known much about
it. It seems that Tim Burton has directed it, and in that great Tim Burton
tradition of ruining great pre-existing material, he’s turned it into a stupid
comedy. Even the trailer alone is enough to make me want to avoid this movie
completely. And it’s a shame too, because we’ve been drowning in lame vampire
comedies for quite some time now, but a really good straight remake of Dark
Shadows could have been the best vampire
movie for years! (Sleepy Hollow
was wonderful! Why not make it like that? You know, beautifully gripping dark
horror, but with some minimal quirky comedy. That would have been sublime!) Oh,
well. Leave it to these big Hollywood types to kill a sure thing! (“Yeah, it’s
a great classic and everything, with a massive fan base really looking forward
to a faithful treatment of the subject matter, but still, we need a new twist
on it!” {No, you don’t!})
But I think I know how this happened: I’ll bet Tim Burton
has grown tired of fanboy nerds ripping on his movie versions of things he’s
ruined (like Batman), and so rather than
try to get it right just to be ripped apart by actual fans of the subject
matter, he decided to just go all out on ruining it for all the fans from the
get-go: that way, there will be too much for them to complain about, and
they’ll just give up and say nothing.
Or could it be that Burton just has no real interest in
pleasing anyone? He marketed himself as the lonely misunderstood dark artist
type in the beginning, but it seems he’s much more accepted by the mainstream
nowadays, and it’s really the dark nerds who think he sucks now. So maybe he’s getting
even with those who he feels should love him now, but always seem to manage to
find something to criticize in his films. But whereas nit-picky criticism
indicates a passionate interest in the subject matter (and a film), and so it
might be a compliment of sorts, I imagine this staking of Dark Shadows won’t generate enough interest or enthusiasm from
real fans of Dark Shadows to even
rate much of a mention. You see, when someone murders someone you love,
sometimes it’s easier to forget it ever happened than it is to dwell on it.
As far as I’m concerned, Tim Burton has had a wonderful
career, but his disinterest in material others are passionate about has
seriously hobbled his reputation among those who would like a good and faithful
version of what they love. And Johnny Depp really should have known better than
this. Perhaps he sees it as being like Young Frankenstein or something. (And maybe it is: I haven’t seen the
movie yet; I’m still coming to terms with my disappointment over it being a
juvenile comedy rather than a good horror movie, especially after how many lame
vampire movies there have been recently.) But even if it is, we need a really good scary and atmospheric vampire
movie now more than ever, to clear all the cobwebs of cinematic mediocrity from
the old cinema castle and resurrect this genre for the old guard to enjoy again
(plus to scare away tweens who want to be vampires and stuff). And I really
thought Tim Burton might be just the guy to do it, and to knock it out of the
park! Silly me, I guess. (But at least Stephen Sommers didn’t get to do it!
We’ve at least been granted that much! It just worries me that now he’ll have
an argument to make a straight remake, and then we’ll have to see his “vision” of it next!)
How about this for an idea? Let’s let the crew that made
Hammer’s The Woman in Black do a new
straight remake of Dark Shadows
(or House of Dark Shadows,
anyway)! And let’s get Ciarán Hinds to play Barnabas Collins (!). (Oh, and Mary
Elizabeth Winstead to play Maggie Evans, Bijou Phillips to play the witch
Angelique, and Emily Browning to play Carolyn Stoddard {Wouldn’t you love to
see her play a vicious sexy vampire in a diaphanous nightgown?}. And maybe
Juliet Landau to play Dr. Julia Hoffman? {But it would be hard to believe any self-respecting
vampire would prefer anyone else to her, I guess!} And I don’t know if she would consider doing it, but wouldn’t Katharine Ross be great as Elizabeth Collins Stoddard? {She was so great to see again in Donnie Darko!}) Plus, let’s use some Black
Sabbath and some Electric Wizard music on the soundtrack (at least in the
trailer!): they could play the intro from the song “Black Sabbath” as Barnabas
is released from the tomb and approaches the home, etc. But hey, it’s just an
idea…
Here’s the trailer (Maybe I’m being too hard on it?):
Oh, have you seen the limited edition DVD box set of the
complete Dark Shadows TV series? (Drool, drool!):
