Okay, here we have a red Volvo driving through the spooky
woods at night. And then the driver’s grandmother is standing on the side of
the road out in the cold, so he pulls over and lets her in, but it’s the big
bag wolf in disguise, and the wolf eats him and lives happily ever after with
this sweet, sweet ride. Oh, wait; that’s not what happens. Um, actually, this
guy uses his car to bully and intimidate a poor cute and fuzzy wolf (who is
also hungry like the wolf, so it’s extra mean!) that has accidentally strayed
into the road. Oh, but fortunately PeTA
sees this and they slash the guy’s tires so he has to walk, and then that wolf
goes to get his big brothers, and they catch up with this guy who is no longer
so big and tough without his car to push wolves around with, and so they all
eat him, and all is well with the world thereafter! (Yay!)
Oh, but his daughter is stranded in the car now! (Yikes!)
But never fear, for the wolves raise her as one of their own, and she grows up
to be a sexy werewolf warrior who keeps the world safe from vampires! And all
thanks to Volvo: the car you’ve always been hungry like the wolf for! (You get
a free bottle of Lycan liqueur with every purchase! {Please drink responsibly!} <This is a call-back to my recent post on the Captain Morgan Black secret passage ad, where I propose creating a brand of Liquor called Lycan, etc.)
Okay, that doesn’t happen either. The truth is, this guy’s
daughter is apparently Little Red Riding Hood, and he’s just driving her to her
grandmother’s house so she won’t be attacked by wolves in the forest. But
because he pushed that wolf around with his car, rather than just handing over
his daughter, this wolf is mad now, and this inspires him to sneak over to the
grandmother’s house, get rid of her, and dress up in the grandmother’s clothes,
and all so he can eat that girl once she arrives, and get revenge on her father. (And this is the true origin
of the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale.) Oh, if only that Volvo was a faster car!
But, oh, they only care about safety! (But only safety inside the car: once you get out of the car, they couldn’t
care less if you die horribly! And you will: YOU WILL!!) And the safety features make the car heavier and
slower, and so the wolf beats the Volvo to grandma’s house, and Little Red
Riding Hood gets dropped off, and the wolf eats her. (Oh, the humanity!)
It’s funny, because when I first saw this ad, I thought the
wolf was going to turn out to be a werewolf, and the driver was going to be one
too, and this would be another European car commercial trying to cash in on the
current vampire/werewolf craze (like Audi did with their vampire-burning
headlights ad). But at least Little Red Riding Hood was in it, so it was kinda
fun after all. (But I still thought the events following this ad’s scenario
would be the father dropping off Little Red Riding Hood at Grandma’s house, and
then Grandma turns out to be the wolf, so he eats her. Except that this little girl
can howl like a wolf, so maybe she’s already a werewolf, and she’ll eat the
wolf. Oh, but then PeTA would attack her
for cruelty to animals. Except that she’s part cute, furry wolf, too. Oh, well:
maybe werewolves are allowed to kill wolves because they’re part wolf, and only
humans aren’t allowed to do anything except get killed by
animals. Or maybe she’d kill PeTA
too because she’s a werewolf with a bloodlust to match her red riding hood, and
that’s why she has a red riding hood to begin with: to camouflage all the blood
she spills all over herself all the time when she’s killing indiscriminately in
her lupine form. Or maybe PeTA is
all a bunch of werewolves already, and that’s why they fight for animal rights:
so nobody will hurt them when they’re in their lupine form. Oh, I don’t know.)
BTW: This car is bright red, and that’s because this guy likes speeding through the forest all the time to see what kind of animals he can hit and kill with his car (and even people, too!), and the red paint job is to hide all the blood he gets on the car when he hits things with it. And that’s why the wolf was angry and scared of the car: it recognizes this car as the one that killed his brother Wolfgang. (Or maybe it even killed his whole wolf gang!)
Here’s Little Red Riding Hood’s little red ride:
