Man! I just had the worst time trying to get the cap off a bottle of Gatorade (oh, sorry: I mean, “G” {blow-a-raspberry sound effect!}), and it simply served to remind me of how all our bottle caps and jar lids are on so tight nowadays that they’re sometimes next-to-impossible to get off! Who would do something like that? Oh, but it’s not a “who”, but rather, a “what”, is it? That’s right: All of our food and drink packaging is assembled by robots these days, isn’t it? (!!!: Horror movie music stab, please.)
That’s right! Robots are trying to make life miserable for us with their screwing-on-too-tight-cap stuff! You know it’s true! (They’re even trying to prevent human reproduction by making all men look weak to women with this jar-cap ploy!) They may not be ready to take over Earth from humanity yet, but they’re biding their time! And while they can’t independently poison our food yet, they can do one thing: They can keep us from eating anything by sealing the packaging too tight for us to get into it! You know that’s what they’re doing here! What else could it be? And then when we’re all really weak with hunger, and we’re focusing all of our energy into trying to open that jar, they’ll strike! And we’ll never know what hit us! You know it’s coming: Prepare yourselves!
