Man! This is the best liquor ad ever! Oh, my goodness: if you’re not an alcoholic already,
this will make you want to be one! It’s just an instant classic! It’s like the
best pirate party movie of all time, and we get to see it for free on TV!
Awesome!
I think this is what most teenagers think drinking is like
already anyway: forbidden, and awesome. And with this pirate theme, it just
can’t miss with the rebellion and the secret worlds and stuff. Next they ought
to make a vampire brand of liquor, and show that brand’s mascot abducting hot
chicks in silky nightgowns from their beds at night and partying in their
coffins together, and all because of the cinnamon red rum, or whatever. And the
coffin could open up to reveal this impossibly large interior, like in Dr.
Who’s TARDIS Police box, with a whole sumptuous castle-esque room with a Mark
Levinson stereo with Wilson Audio speakers blasting Black Sabbath, and a
silk-covered canopy bed, and with lit candelabras and tapestries everywhere.
I’m telling you: that’s what’s next, here! And then they could say it will give
you “life beyond the grave” if you drink their “blood” rum. And then they could
say that if your life has become “drained”, you can drink their product and be
“resurrected” as a “passionate creature of the night”! (Oh, and a competing
product could be called: “Stake!”: It stakes that lame blood rum! Or maybe:
“Lycan!”: It’s the vampire’s worst nightmare! And then they could have ads like
the movie series Underworld, where
Lycans are killing vampires and partying better, and showing how drinking a
slug of Lycan can make you morph into a powerful werewolf beast, with hot
chicks crawling all over you; and they could say: “Lycan can turn you into a ‘party beast’!” {And the ad would feature the
song “Werewolf of London”, and go: “A-Woooooo!”; or they could use “Who Let the
Dogs Out?”, and say: “Lycan: Let your dog out!”}) Oh, sorry, I'm getting carried away here, aren't I?
Oh, hey: Maybe they could even make British Royal Navy Rum
to compete with Captain Morgan Rum, and then have the Beefeater Gin mascot
execute Captain Morgan in the Tower of London (!). And the same company could make
all of this stuff, and just set everyone against each other in their ads, like
if a company made “Crimson Tide Rum” and “War Eagle Vodka” at the same time!
And just build the rivalries in the ads and sell, sell, sell!
I’m not so sure that allowing liquor advertising on TV is
the best idea, just like it’s (even more)
dumb to allow pharmaceutical ads (shouldn’t your doctor tell you what you need?); but if they’re going to allow it
(and I love the ads, don’t get me wrong; and I like the ad jobs too: it’s just
that it’s like advertising cocaine on TV: it’s addictive stuff, this liquor!),
then it doesn’t get much better than this. In fact, this whole new-ish Captain
Morgan campaign with this blockbuster pirate movie theme, and all these naughty
partying situations, is about the best you can get to advertise something like
liquor. These guys are heroes and villains at the same time, and there’s just
nothing a teenager loves more than a rebellious anti-hero! (And these ads just
keep getting better and better, too! I wish I had their job! {And with these great results, too!} Man: I love and hate them at the same time! {Actually, that’s just an expression: these ads are not only ads, they’re cultural signposts! These guys who came up with and made these ads are like media superheroes! They're the Stan Lee and Jack Kirby of liquor ads, or just of ads, period!} I bow down to the masters!)
But perhaps, just to bring us back to reality, every
once-in-a-while, maybe they ought to make a Captain Morgan ad where his pirate
ship gets pulled-over by the British fleet for drunk sailing, or he gets
charged with statutory rape and kidnapping for abducting some pretty young
thing into his underground party lair. Because that would seem more like real
life. (Oh, but real life is not what advertising is all about! That’s why it
works so well!)
Here’s the Captain’s clandestine corrupting commercial (this
is the long version, because apparently you’re not allowed to watch online the
same ad you can see on TV whether you like it or not, and this is the only one
I could find that didn’t force you to create an account and prove you’re 21 to
see it {!!}. But the 30-second spot is better, I think, as a TV ad.):
