Heinz Ketchup is the most popular in the world, and famous
for their old “anticipation” ads where people would have to hold the bottle
upside-down forever to get the ketchup to come out (whereupon it all comes out
at once like a pressurized waterfall). (<Oh, sorry: that’s what happens in
real life; in the ad, it doesn’t happen like that.) That’s because it’s so
thick and rich, and this waiting for it to start its ruthless and unstoppable
descent was referred to as “anticipation”, and celebrated with that classic
Carly Simon song: “Anticipation”. (She really likes ketchup a
lot, apparently!)
Oh, but who’s got time for such dawdling nowadays in this
high-pressure business world, where a missed meeting could spell disaster for
your job and your company? (Heinz actually solved this issue with the
squeeze-bottle years ago, but let’s eschew that fact and pretend they didn’t,
just for the fun of it, shall we? Thanks!) So some competing ketchup company
(probably spelling it “catsup” just to be contrary! The nerve!) could bash
Heinz as a heartless company that doesn’t care what happens to people due to
them having to waste precious time waiting for their ketchup to start flowing,
and the disaster that might befall them. (This would work particularly well,
since the Heinz fortune is with those ultra-rich 1%’ers, Senator John Kerry and
his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry. Maybe Mitt Romney’s campaign could make the ads
to distract from his “Richie Rich-ery”?) So the ad would go something like
this:
A high-powered-looking young man in a business suit sits at a diner table
with some other workmates as he is served a hamburger. He takes the bottle of
Heinz ketchup and opens it, pointing it upside-down over his hamburger. The
song: “Anticipation” starts playing, and he says: “Oh, my God! I’m so hungry,
and my meeting is in like five minutes! I don’t have time for this right now!”
Then we get a clock graphic superimposed over the image, and 5 minutes of time
flies by, seeing him still holding the bottle of ketchup over his burger with
no ketchup yet coming out. So one of the guy’s workmates says: “Hey, it’s been
like five minutes, I think.” And so the businessman says: “What? But… Now I’m
going to be late for my meeting! And I’m so hungry, I can hardly think
straight! Damn you, Heinz ketchup!” And then the guy runs off, and we cut to
him arriving late to an empty meeting room, whereupon he learns that his
company has lost the sale, which puts the company out of business, and everyone
loses their job! And all because of Heinz ketchup! Then the competing, um,
catsup (ahem!), says Heinz is too high-and-mighty to worry about the
fast-moving business world the rest of us must occupy, and that’s because
they’re 1%’ers! And so to eat a catsup that cares, try Occupy brand catsup!
(It’ll occupy your taste-buds with flavor, and your tummy with delight! Favored
by the 99% of catsup eaters who don’t have oodles of expendable leisure time to waste!)
