At the end of some sports update break sponsored by US Bank, I heard them read off the US Bank slogan: “All of us, serving you.” And I thought to myself: “All of you serving little old me? You make me feel positively aristocratic!” Oh, but then I got drunk with power, throwing my weight around with my TV remote, my toothbrush, my shoes, etc. After all, if I’m so important, shouldn’t someone else do all that stuff for me? And then I realized what was happening: rather than causing me to feel like they cared about me, they had created an arrogant monster, full of pomposity and arrogance, just waiting to abuse this newly felt sense of importance and power! So this must be what it feels like to work on Wall St., I thought. And then, since all these bankers apparently work for me anyway, I fired them all, and I took all their bonus money for myself, and gambled it all away in Vegas. (Luckily for me, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, or else a lot of investors would be really mad at me!) But all of this is really US Bank’s fault: they’re the ones who made me drunk with power to begin with, what with their flattering, sycophant attitude! So blame them for all that wiped out capital.
Actually, this is obviously a silly joke, but I have found that some people cannot take a compliment, and when you encourage these people, disaster ensues. It’s unfortunate that encouragement could ever lead to arrogance and conceit, rather than actually motivate someone to accomplish great things, but occasionally it happens like that. And this bank, with their servile attitude, will simply make every one of these people too big for their breeches, and then they’ll become insufferably self-important, and the entire social structure will crumble to dust, leaving behind a toxic cloud of dust that will cause asthma in everyone! And this dust could will be so impenetrably opaque, it will be impossible for anyone to find their way to a pharmacy to buy an inhaler, so they’ll all suffocate to death! Plus, commuters will have deadly multi-car pileups everywhere, but no emergency services will be able to reach them! Oh, the horror; the horror! And all because US Bank tried to flatter its way into our good graces, with disastrous consequences!
Well, for this downward spiral of unintended consequences, maybe we should only let US Bank play with Monopoly money from now on! After all, they were unintended consequences, weren’t they? Or were they? Maybe US Bank invested in those underground bunkers, and in order for that investment to pay off, they had to cause worldwide chaos. And what better way to do that than by making all the wrong people start feeling overly and uncontrollably self-important, for then they would begin to become tyrannical, and start to fight power struggles with each other, taking our culture down with them! So, that’s they’re dirty plan! I knew it! And know ye too that advertising slogans wield great power, and with great power comes great responsibility, and that’s why Spider-Man failed at advertising and went into photography. Or something like that.
And so when you go to write that next ad slogan, try to make sure it won’t destroy the world! (Test it on mice first or something. I heard that always correctly predicts everything, from when one feels like a nut vs. when one doesn’t, whether or not one desires to be a pepper, or whether or not ordering Miller Lite is a masculine tendency.)
Anyway, this is all a joke, so please don’t send your paper plane air force to kill me, US Bank! (Here’s the US Bank commercial with all the paper airplanes, for those who don’t get that paper plane air force reference):
