Ah, yes: there’s nothing to sell your product like a good old witch burning! But they don’t even get to burn any witches! What a gyp! (Cotton Mather would be very disappointed! He never even got to see any witch burnings, I don’t think: after all those Salem Witch Trials, they hanged them.) They’ve all obviously been bewitched by the accursed Miracle Whip (It’s a curse, not a miracle! Get thee behind me, Satan!) into sparing it. Next, being possessed by the devilish Miracle Whip (so-called because it causes you to think you’re experiencing a miracle, when instead it’s making you self-flagellate!) they shall persecute innocent Mr. Mustard! (This is what caused him to go crazy and become “Mean Mr. Mustard!”) And Catsup is next! After all, cats are witches’ familiars, so they must be brought to justice! And obviously it’s called “Catsup” because it’s how cats get up to their devilish shenanigans! Plus, it looks like blood, so it must be evil! Burn it! Purify it on the gas grill of redemption!
But seriously, you can tell that Miracle Whip is all evil and stuff because of how easily it tricks the witchfinders! Cotton Mather wasn’t fooled by this ruse, and he insisted the accused be killed during the Salem Witch Trials! (He regretted it later, though: pussy. {Actually, I think he’s a murderer. They were going to let the innocent go, but he said that Satan can trick us, so they executed them. Yuck!}) But unfortunately for us nowadays, there’s no pure man of courage to lead us against this unspeakable evil, so we’re doomed to an eternity of hell on Earth, subjected to the tangy sweetness (the sickening sweetness of sin; the tangy temptation of eternal torment!) of insidious soul-stealing sandwich spreads!
Oh, I could rag on this silly ad until Judgment Day, but I’d still be condemned to an eternity of writhing agony in the tangy talons of Miracle Whip’s Satanic sweetness, whipping me raw until I prayed for a miraculous and merciful condiment to deliver me from the Satanic slatherings of this sandwich spread abomination: only to have my prayers answered with… Mayonnaise. But seriously, this is a fun ad; the only problem is, nobody’s really persecuting Miracle Whip. (But now that we know it’s evil…) But Miracle Whip is really good, especially if you’re a kid; and every house should have a jar in their fridge, especially if they have kids. Everyone did when I was young: and we loved it! (I prefer Mayo now, but I’m a boring adult.)
Here’s the miraculously whipped-up commercial:
