Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ageless Male “Half the Man You Used To Be” Ad

In this basic cable commercial for some testosterone pill (I guess), some announcer/actor guy asks men watching if they feel like “half the man you used to be”. Then we see this very selfsame guy* walking around on the white background behind where he himself is standing (side effects may include evil twin syndrome), only there’s only half of him (!): his top half. The funny thing about this is that he’s wearing a black polo-style shirt in both iterations, but the normal one is wearing very light-colored pants, so I thought maybe he just put on white pants, and we can’t see them in this ridiculously bright white background. Oh, but there’s something else that’s odd here, for when shown in his “half the man” form, he’s only his top half, so he’s missing something most men might feel a bit inadequate without: his “tackle”. So then it’s no wonder he feels like “half the man” he used to: he’s got his man-parts missing! And technically, I think that makes him less than half a man, strictly speaking, doesn’t it? (That is to say, without the man-parts, he is no longer actually a man at all, so much as he is a genderless human being; so then this pill wouldn’t help him, unless it makes him grow back his below-the-belt section. Right? Or maybe that is what it really does?)

Then we see The Amazing Transparent Man (this must be a different guy, as he’s not strictly half-a-man, so much as he’s a see-through man. Maybe he’s a ghost? Are they claiming this stuff works for ghosts too? And is it FDA approved for this purpose? I smell a haunting lawsuit on the horizon, perhaps brought by some phony spiritualist! {“I have a message from the beyond: stop what you’re doing now, before you anger the spirits!”}) on the bed with his lady friend, and she’s looking very depressed because apparently the absence of opacity reduces one’s ability to “get it on”. Or something. (Who knows: maybe her cat died? Or maybe he died, and she’s mourning his loss! And like I said before, he’s a ghost. And that explains why he’s transparent, and she’s all upset. It’s the only thing that makes sense here, so that must be it!) But I thought this stuff just reinstated one’s lower half; I mean, so long as you’re a man, that is. (Sexist product, discrimination against women like this! Oh, for shame! I can see those lawsuits, too. But only when I put on my “psychic swami” turban.)

Then this announcer host guy says that if this stuff is happening to you, it’s not your fault. But how the hell could he possibly know that? I’ve seen shows like Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie: Maybe you pissed-off some witch, or a genie or something, and that’s why you’re missing your lower-half, or why you’re lacking most of your opacity! And ignoring this issue and just taking some sketchy over-the-counter, “As Seen on TV” remedy will only insult them further, and you’ll disappear completely! No, your best bet is to go apologize to the witch or the Wishmaster, or whomever you’ve angered with your thoughtless behavior, for only then may you have a real chance of restoration to your normal state. (That should be a disclaimer on the bottle: “Warning: If this product fails to work for you, you may in fact be cursed! Call an exorcist, quick!”)

Then the ad has some purported doctor spokesman harping on the supposed benefits of this product. I’m sorry to say this, but I think it’s sad when doctors have to stoop to shilling for this kind of seemingly fly-by-night “As Seen on TV” product, or when actors have to pretend to be doctors for this purpose (if that’s ever what’s happening: at times, I can’t imagine how it’s otherwise). But at least they didn’t have the doctor in the white lab coat walk into the opening scene with the host guy, because then his top half would have seemed to disappear! (Oh, but that would have solved the problem! Then the doctor’s legs could have joined that other guy’s torso, and they could have run off together. And then they could have just taken the doctor's still-living, sentient disembodied head, put it in a tank, or maybe on a tray, and made a horror movie out of it, like The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.)

Here’s the disappearing dude discourse/display:

* I think it’s the same guy, anyway.