Mayor Bloomberg, God’s gift to New York City, has developed
interdiction insanity, apparently. Not satisfied with placing prohibitions upon
salt, trans-fats, cigarette smoking and fun, now he’s placed a prospective
prohibition on outrageously enormous sodas, the number one threat to humanity!
(I believe this ban applies only to the sodas sold in cups, so I would suggest
a work-around to skirt the law temporarily: backpack super-sized sodas! They
are a huge pouch containing ten gallons of the sugariest, syrupiest,
ultra-caffeinated soda imaginable, designed with shoulder straps to be worn on
the back like a backpack {because our kids are too weak and out-of-shape to
hold them up any other way anyway: Bloomberg has simply helped create an even
larger beverage container for fattening drinks that was needed anyway, and like
necessity, Mayor Bloomberg, as always, is himself the Mother of Invention!
Thanks, Bloomie!}, and with a long, flexible straw draped across the shoulder
and running into the mouth so that thirsty tykes can slurp on it all day long
to simultaneously satiate their sugar fix and thirst for sweetness, as well as
their ravenous hunger for rebellion against ridiculous rules and regulations.)
Well, we can’t just sit back and take it, can we? Bloomie’s
trying to change the “Land of the Free” into the “Terrain of the Tyranny of
Dumbass Dictates”. So we have a sacred duty to foil this fanatical panty-waist
and derail his dastardly decrees! So to achieve this end, I have an idea…
Okay, so really big sodas are illegal in the “Land of the
Free”, eh? (Doesn’t that name: the “Land of the Free”, start sounding more and
more ludicrous each and every day, with more and more ridiculously repressive
prohibitions placed upon more and more benign things all the time?
Unbelievable! We have a Constitutionally-protected right to “the pursuit of happiness”: what if the only
manner in which I’m able to pursue happiness is through the ingestion of
massive quantities of sugary sodas from one immeasurably large container of
super-size? Why, Bloomberg is violating my Constitutional rights! That cad! The
cur!) So then why not make a really small “mega-shot” of soda syrup, containing
all the sugar, carbs, sweeteners, artificial ingredients, caffeine, etc., as
the now-illegal super-sized soda? Why, then kids could get all that they craved
in a small package, and they could ingest it all in one gulp, and they wouldn’t
even have to lug that enormous cup around all day, which means they’d be
getting even less exercise, so they’ll actually get even fatter! (I mean, assuming that Mayor
Busybody will immediately make my backpack beverage container illegal upon
hearing about it.)
Oh, but you know what? I think someone may have already
started making this super-shot of sugar and sin: I believe it’s called “Mio”.
Maybe Bullyberg had better ban that, too. Quick, Bloomer, ban it before
it’s too late!
Now, full disclosure, I myself do not drink sodas, nor have
I ever bought or even understood the desirability of the “super-sized”
beverages. I simply can’t understand why anyone would even want that much soda in one cup (although many people seem
to understand only too well, since everyone and their brother always seems to
have one in their grubby little {actually, large} mitts. {Although them now
being against the law makes them seem cool and edgy, so now I want one for the
first time!}). But that’s not the point! Bloomberg is simply trying to deprive
us of our freedom while at the same time trying to deprive the underprivileged
in a shameless act of discrimination against the poor, and I think it’s
unconscionable!
What’s that I say: Bloomberg is discriminating against poor
people? How’s that? Well, it’s like this: In outlawing the large beverage cup,
he’s merely making it impossible for people to get the requisite amount of soda
affordably, for if you wanted the same amount, you could simply buy two large
cups of soda, right? So it’s not the amount of soda he’s regulating, but merely
the amount one must pay for this amount of soda. And by restricting the larger
size, he’s simply making it so that only rich people can afford to get the
beverage amount they want, while all poor and underprivileged folks must suffer
from their thirst in poverty. Oh, but Big Bully Brother Bloomberg is mega-wealthy, so he can afford to buy two large sodas, even in a movie
theater, where they cost thousands of dollars per ounce! So I suppose now he’s
going to traipse all over the city, with a large soda cup in each hand,
slurping out of both of them at once, teasing the riff-raff and rubbing it in
that while they can no-longer
afford the beverage amount of their desire, he most certainly still
can (for his cup runneth over!): the boor!
Oh, but hey: I have just had a brain-wave for a fund-raising
technique for Bloomberg to bankroll his future political aims: Mayor Bloomberg
should simply set up a dunking booth in Times Square where he sits over a tank
filled with soda, and with the tank shaped and painted to look like a
super-sized “Big Gulp”, and then charge everyone $20 per ball to throw to try
to make him fall in! After this tyrannical abuse of power, I’m sure everyone
will be thirsting for revenge! (Get it? “Thirsting”? Because he’s limiting
their fluid intake with this new law? Ha ha! Oh, sorry…)
And I’m not just down on poor Mr. Bloomberg: I hate anyone
who passes (or attempts to pass) edicts of prohibition on everyday items,
curtailing our freedoms more and more each day. These people are the enemies of
freedom and fun, and I think they should be thrown in prison for
unconstitutionally violating our civil rights. (No kidding.) They’re abusing
the power we grant them when they do stupid excrement like this, and they need
to be immediately and vociferously criticized when they do such intrusive,
petty things that limit our personal freedom and enjoyment of life. Seriously:
screw them! (You know the expression: “Life sucks, and then you die?” Well,
apparently that sounded far too enjoyable to people like Bloomberg, so he’s
trying to change it to the more acceptable: “Life is interminably nauseating
with the irritating and intrusive bullsh*t of meddling government douche-bags,
and then fortunately you die, allowing for sweet escape from the hell-on-Earth
they have subjected you to.” {But that’s so much catchier anyway, don’t you
think?})
It’s funny, too, because the ones who are constantly
whittling away at our freedoms in this regard nowadays are liberals. I thought
liberals were supposed to be liberal, meaning: “favorable to or respectful of
individual rights and freedoms / favoring maximum individual liberty” (!): Ha! What a laugh! (That’s the opposite of what liberals are like nowadays! Now they’re
every bit as meddling and repressive as conservatives are! It’s hilarious,
although to me it’s a joke that’s in very poor taste {although it’s still funny, in an absurdist,
asinine and Kafkaesque way}!) But these guys are nothing more than petty,
tyrannical buzzkills and traitors against freedom and fun. Oh, and they’re
always, bar none, hypocrites to the core, doing the very things they prohibit
we the people from doing. Oh, but they get a pass (if they’re liberals or
Democrats) from the news media, who simply love oppression so long as it comes
from the left. (The news people appropriately bash conservatives and
Republicans for such intrusive invasions of privacy and curtailings of personal
liberties, but why not attack the left for the same behavior? Hypocrisy addiction? Isn’t
there some treatment facility for such disorders? {If so, most of them would
have to go to rehab repeatedly!}) And that makes them every bit as guilty in my
book as the douche-bag lawmakers who chip away at our freedoms every day (on
both the right and the left). What ninnies! Remember the expression: “The road
to hell is paved with good intentions”? This is exactly what this expression is
referring to: stupid crap like these meddling & oppressive nanny-state
laws. These people are the road commission and construction firm for the
“Highway to Hell”. (And they should be very ashamed of themselves indeed! Jerks.)
(Warning: Screed Alert!
{Oh, sorry: should I have put this at the beginning? Oh well, it’s too late to
move it now!})
