I was watching the Euro soccer game today, and when someone on the Italy team barely missed a shot at goal, someone said: "Close, but no cigar!" I'm in New York City at the moment, and there have been many new smoking bans imposed upon the city here recently, as is indeed the case in the city where I live in California, so this phrase/expression: "Close, but no cigar" stood out as something in need of a new, helpfully healthy alteration. You see, this expression makes cigars seem desirable, and since they're bad for you, this expression should be changed to something healthier. After all, the language we use makes a difference, right? So it's just the right thing to do to ban this idiom and have the government mandate a replacement that sets the right example for our children. (It's all about saving the children from bad behavioral examples which corrupt their fragile, innocent lives, you see.)
So, now that we've established the necessity for government intervention into the verbal assaults aimed at our vulnerable offspring, let's find a suitable replacement for this evil, carcinogenic idiom, shall we? Now, full-disclosure, I'm not actually a government representative (surprise!), but I believe I have just the thing that would be a perfect replacement for this malevolent jargon. So how about this (fanfare, please!): "Close, but no celery!" Surely this should act accordingly to defuse the ill-intent of this nefarious locution: "Close, but no cigar!", and it is an appropriate successor in many ways.
First of all, celery is good for you, and smoking is not. Secondly, celery helps you lose weight, which you might tend to put on when you quit smoking (which all these bullying new laws and regulations are forcing everyone to do). Thirdly, celery is another long, slender thing you can put into your mouth, so it's perfect for assuaging that oral fixation-related need/addiction that's so common amongst cigar-smokers. And lastly, and best of all, all the annoying food police-types will shut the hell up and leave you alone for a while if they see you chomping on a piece of celery.
So there you have it: the new, politically-correct heir-apparent to the soon-to-be deposed idiom: "Close, but no cigar!", is the new and far more acceptable: "Close, but no celery!" And hopefully this new expression will helpfully brainwash us and our children into appreciating the healthy benefits of pound-shedding, calorie-burning celery! (Yum!)
