Forest Lawn is a cemetery here in Hollywood where a lot of
dead movie stars and such are buried. I’ve always meant to visit, but I’ve read
that they’re extremely limiting there about where people are allowed to go and
what people are allowed to see. I guess too many people have been breaking arms
or heads off of angel statues, or trying to put tombstones or movie star bones
in their pockets and whatnot. In fact, I rarely think of Forest Lawn except for
when I drive past their little sign that points towards their cemetery from
some major thoroughfare here, except that now they’ve reminded me with a
letter.
Yes, this little letter I received from Forest Lawn was not
an invitation to come visit the place like a tourist so much as it was an
invitation to come and stay there for a while (eternity, I think they meant). So
it was basically a solicitation form letter inviting me to plan for my future
resting place. And I’m sure that’s nice of them and all, but I’m not really all
that old, and I think I’m in pretty good health. (For now: Dum dum
dummmmmm!)
So, um, I couldn’t help but wonder: Do they perhaps know
something about my near future that they’re not telling me? Like, is someone
plotting to kill me or something? Or do they have some psychic predicting fatal
car crashes and so forth, whose accuracy is so precise, they have found it
sufficient to build a business model on it? I’m just curious.
But let me tell you: when a letter from a mortuary or a
cemetery comes inviting you for a stay, it can be a rather spooky experience.
Actually, the truth is, I began writing this before I even opened
the envelope. But inside is not just a form-letter, but rather, it’s a (form)
survey asking about how “members of our community plan for one of the hardest
things a family has to face… the death of a loved one.” And they promise that
if you fill out and return this survey to them, they will send you, free of
charge, their guide, entitled: “My Final Wishes Organizer.” And this brochure
promises to “provide insightful information about planning ahead for where
you’re going to dump your corpse after you croak.” (Okay, I wrote all the stuff
after the word “ahead”, but it’s clearly implied, don’t you think?)
But if they really want your business, is this really the
best manner in which to approach things: with a fake survey trying to lure you
in? It seems to me they might get a more reliable and immediate response,
perhaps even a personal visit, if they simply sent a form letter that said:
“We’ve heard it through the grapevine that you haven’t long to live. It seems
you’ve offended a very dangerous character, and he plans to rub you out. So
being good neighbors, and not wanting you to get dumped into a communal
pauper’s grave, or have your body unwillingly donated to science, we though you
might like to consider the possibility of residing here with us at Forest Lawn
Cemetery: The Hollywood Heaven!”
Don’t you think that might work better? Or how about an
engraved invitation to go on a date with a dead movie king or queen? (Brass
coffin and formal attire required.) Real fans might be taken in by this, and
provide their own corpses for the occasion. Or if the invitation didn’t work
the first time, maybe they could send some fake psychic with a turban on to say
they have a message for you: “Jean Harlow wishes you to spend eternity beside
her, beginning this evening: What shall I tell her?” (Or for women, they could
say Clark Gable, etc.)
This is Forest Lawn:
