Monday, June 25, 2012

Forest Lawn Cemetery Solicitation Letter

Forest Lawn is a cemetery here in Hollywood where a lot of dead movie stars and such are buried. I’ve always meant to visit, but I’ve read that they’re extremely limiting there about where people are allowed to go and what people are allowed to see. I guess too many people have been breaking arms or heads off of angel statues, or trying to put tombstones or movie star bones in their pockets and whatnot. In fact, I rarely think of Forest Lawn except for when I drive past their little sign that points towards their cemetery from some major thoroughfare here, except that now they’ve reminded me with a letter.

Yes, this little letter I received from Forest Lawn was not an invitation to come visit the place like a tourist so much as it was an invitation to come and stay there for a while (eternity, I think they meant). So it was basically a solicitation form letter inviting me to plan for my future resting place. And I’m sure that’s nice of them and all, but I’m not really all that old, and I think I’m in pretty good health. (For now: Dum dum dummmmmm!)

So, um, I couldn’t help but wonder: Do they perhaps know something about my near future that they’re not telling me? Like, is someone plotting to kill me or something? Or do they have some psychic predicting fatal car crashes and so forth, whose accuracy is so precise, they have found it sufficient to build a business model on it? I’m just curious.

But let me tell you: when a letter from a mortuary or a cemetery comes inviting you for a stay, it can be a rather spooky experience.

Actually, the truth is, I began writing this before I even opened the envelope. But inside is not just a form-letter, but rather, it’s a (form) survey asking about how “members of our community plan for one of the hardest things a family has to face… the death of a loved one.” And they promise that if you fill out and return this survey to them, they will send you, free of charge, their guide, entitled: “My Final Wishes Organizer.” And this brochure promises to “provide insightful information about planning ahead for where you’re going to dump your corpse after you croak.” (Okay, I wrote all the stuff after the word “ahead”, but it’s clearly implied, don’t you think?)

But if they really want your business, is this really the best manner in which to approach things: with a fake survey trying to lure you in? It seems to me they might get a more reliable and immediate response, perhaps even a personal visit, if they simply sent a form letter that said: “We’ve heard it through the grapevine that you haven’t long to live. It seems you’ve offended a very dangerous character, and he plans to rub you out. So being good neighbors, and not wanting you to get dumped into a communal pauper’s grave, or have your body unwillingly donated to science, we though you might like to consider the possibility of residing here with us at Forest Lawn Cemetery: The Hollywood Heaven!”

Don’t you think that might work better? Or how about an engraved invitation to go on a date with a dead movie king or queen? (Brass coffin and formal attire required.) Real fans might be taken in by this, and provide their own corpses for the occasion. Or if the invitation didn’t work the first time, maybe they could send some fake psychic with a turban on to say they have a message for you: “Jean Harlow wishes you to spend eternity beside her, beginning this evening: What shall I tell her?” (Or for women, they could say Clark Gable, etc.)

This is Forest Lawn: