Apparently, while New York City Mayor Bloomberg is leading the charge to ban reasonably-sized sodas (who can quench a thirst with less than a gallon of sticky sucrose syrup?), he is relaxing the laws regarding marijuana possession. And you know what that means, right? That's right: this is his forward-thinking dastardly plot to ban all food and drink completely (for everyone except for himself, I assume)! What the heck am I talking about? Well, it's like this:
By banning sodas, he's giving everyone an expectation for people to become thinner, right? But then he is sabotaging this with his pot possession law relaxation (pot helps even laws relax, man!), because by permitting pot possession, everyone will always have lots of pot with them at all times, which is basically tantamount to the government forcing everyone to be stoned all the time, right? Of course it is! And what happens when everyone gets stoned? Why, they all get the munchies!
(They don't get the thirsties, do they? Or, wait: maybe this whole soda ban/pot permissiveness is intended to teach people to stop smoking marijuana on their own, because then everyone will get cotton-mouth, and without a 64-ounce soda to drink, they'll be miserable with just a wet cotton-lined whistle of sweet soda: a "cotton candy mouth", if you will; and this will lead to such misery as to cause everyone to want to stop smoking pot altogether! But I digress: one conspiracy theory at a time, I always say!)
So then all the stoned people will eat piles and piles of junk food, and then everyone will get fat! And this is just the excuse Mayor Bloomberg will need to say that even with his perfectly-thought-out giganto-soda ban, people are still getting fat, so now we must ban all drinks, and all food too (!). After all, if you people can't be trusted not to eat stuff, we must remove the temptation from your weak willed grasp, and simply make all foodstuffs illegal outright! And this has obviously been his evil plan all along!
But hey: at least we'll all be stoned, and then we'll get thin and beautiful, unless... Hey, what if Mayor Bloomberg is just a really big fan of zombie/cannibal apocalypse horror movies, and he wants to make one really happen here in New York City? (!!) So that's his mad dream! He's hoping all the stoned people will get the munchies, and with nothing left to eat but each other, they will all become cannibals and cannibalize each other. (!!!) Oh, the humanity! (Oh, well: at least it won't be boring!)
P.S.: This post was originally titled: "Bloomberg's Permissive Pot Plan Portends a Plethora of Portly People", but I had to change it once I started writing, and the implications of this pernicious policy plot became clear to me.
