A few years ago, Bush’s Baked Beans ran an ad campaign about
Duke, the company owner’s dog, who was always trying to figure out how to steal
and sell the secret family recipe for Bush’s beans to some competing company.
Now, normally this would be a direct violation of the canine loyalty oath
agreement signed between dog and owner, and it really appears to be a scathing
indictment of doggie disloyalty, as well as a shocking exposé of canine
corruption and criminally conspiratorial conduct. I initially thought these ads
must have been made by cats in an attempt to discredit the famous loyalty
generally accredited to “man’s (alleged) best friend”. Oh, but there is
another, more shocking reason for this gross betrayal of trust by this Golden
Retriever of secret recipes.
Yes, the truth is that Duke Bush, the devoted dog of the
Bush’s Baked Beans business owner, did not really want to betray his owner, but
as a dog, his sense of smell is so keen and perceptive, and baked beans cause
such uncontrolled flatulence, that poor Duke was being continually assaulted
with stinky baked bean farts, truly a fate worse than death for someone with
canine aromatic sensitivity. It’s true that dogs generally enjoy the bouquet of
excrement, but that’s doggie doo doo, not human baked bean butt breath. Yes,
this was surely torture for our hairy hero, and most certainly he was driven to
this shameful and uncharacteristically dishonest and conspiratorial behavior
out of pure abject desperation due to the stinky scent assaults he was
constantly subjected to. What else could he do? He simply thought that by
selling the secret recipe to another food company, perhaps he could initiate
the collapse of the Bush’s Baked Beans empire, and somehow subsequently he
could be relieved of the endless exposure to the nauseating stench from baked
bean bottom burps being belched forth day and night.
Unfortunately for him, he was caught and prevented from
succeeding in his desperate enterprise. But it’s just as well, because little
did Duke know, but had he bankrupted his owner, he would have had no money
left, and they’d both have to subsist on nothing but leftover Bush’s Baked
Beans morning, noon and night for the rest of his life; and then he would have
had to eat them as well!
(But bottom burps or not, I love Bush’s Baked Beans: they’re the bestest tasting
baked beans you can buy! Yum, yummy!)
Here are Duke’s dastardly deeds exposed:
Hey, do you suppose these ads used a Golden Retriever
because of the inherent symbolism in the name of the breed, seeing as how he
would earn gold for retrieving secret recipe documents? Or perhaps Duke was
simply trying to live up to the name of his breed by earning gold through
retrieving of secret recipes? Well, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s
this: if you want a fur-bearing critter as a pet, and you have a secret recipe
to protect for your livelihood, get a cat: as long your secret recipe isn’t
written on a mouse, a bird, or a laser pointer, your secret will be safe and
secure with a kitty!
