Iams “Flühffynkitten” Cat Food Ad (Proposed)

Hey, remember the old Volkswagen “Fahrvergnügen” ads? Well, I thought it might make for a fun play on that silly Volkswagen ad campaign to have a cat food that claims to have good nutrition to give your cat a healthy and shiny coat use something like “Fahrvergnügen”, but instead say “Flühffynkitten” (like fluffy kitten), and show cats with big fluffy fur in the ad. And the announcer could say that “Flühffynkitten” is the feeling you get when you pat the fur of a cat (especially your own) who has been fed a diet of such balanced nutrition that the cat's coat is as healthy, full and fluffy as it can be; and to get that feeling, feed your cat Iams cat food.

This is Fahrvergnügen:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fahrvergnügen

And here's an example of this Volkswagen “Fahrvergnügen” ad campaign:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOnne-90CLI

Citi Simplicity Card "Rough Day" Ad

Poor Erica: She had a rough day. She got a parking ticket and she didn't pay her credit card bill on time. Oh, but good thing she has the Citi Simplicity Card, which doesn't charge you if you miss a payment on your credit card. But it still might charge you a fee even when you pay on time, like Citi did to me about 12 years ago: I paid on time, but they charged me a late fee the day after they cashed my check anyway, and when I called to get the charge removed, they refused to take it off even though it was an obviously fraudulent charge, so I canceled my Citi card and got another credit card that I use instead, and they haven't earned any more money off of me since then. And it's their own fault, too.

Now where was I again? Oh, that's right: the card doesn't charge you a fee if you don't pay your bill on time. (But it is Citi, so you never know.) Oh, but without all of these exorbitant fees to nickel and dime us with, won't all the banks fail again and require another huge government bailout, further wrecking our severely hobbled economy? Oh, well: I guess it's time to keep your cash in your mattress again.

And here in this spot, we see Erica beating up some poor punching bag that never did anything to her (bully) in expectation of the day that perhaps Citi will charge her a big fee in spite of their advertising promises, and she'll have to go open a can of whoop-ass on them, and close her account like I did:

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7ZWN/citi-simplicity-rough-day

University of Laverne & Shirley

I keep hearing ads for the University of Laverne on NPR. And every time I hear one, I think of Laverne & Shirley, the Happy Days spin-off show from my childhood. And then I think there ought to be a University of Laverne & Shirley, with Penny Marshall as the president of the university, and Cindy Williams as the dean, and with Michael McKean as a professor emeritus, and various and sundry former sit-com actors, writers and producers to teach the courses. It could be all about sit-coms, and teaching comedic timing and plot structure and all those other little things about sit-coms that make them work, and it could be an online university so everyone could take classes by watching their computer monitor, just like we'd watch a TV show.

This is Laverne & Shirley, for those who don't know (if such a person, in fact, even exists):

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laverne_%26_Shirley

DissInformation

DissInformation is a new service that allows subscribers to research embarrassing things about people they want to attack in order to make an even more powerful and memorable insult. Rappers in a battle of insults could simply sue their smartphones, and the voice-recognition software, as well as face-recognition software, would instantly look into your opponent's background, finding relevant information on which to diss them. Plus, the handy rhyming dictionary will help you find ways to rhyme your insults on the fly! That's DissInformation: In the information age, it's more important than ever to know who your dissing!

Lending Tree "Dummy" Ad

Lending Tree has a new ad with their green Muppet-style puppet, and he says that the mortgage rates at Lending Tree are so low right now, you'd have to be a dummy to miss them. And then he walks right into a box hanging from a string that's got the rates posted on it (as low as 2.53%: but not for you, you untrustworthy slob! You have to pay loan shark rates!). Then he gets mad that someone left it there for him to walk into. (What a diva, already, just because he's got a couple of cable TV ads under his belt? Just wait, he won't be able to get work after this campaign, the Muppets will sue him for ripping off their look, and then all the crew he was a jerk to won't even want to talk to him. Oh, vanity of vanities: all is vanity.) Oh, but he shouldn't be mad, because he said you'd have to be a dummy to miss it, and he's a puppet. Because until he walked into that thing there, it looked like he was dumb enough to think he was a dummy, not a puppet, and that Lending Tree thought so too, which would have rendered their judgment and honesty questionable.

Oh, but then the announcer says: "Don't be a dummy! Go save yourself boatloads of cash at Lending Tree.com." But we've got them there, standards & practices! A-Ha! This ad said you'd save yourself a boatload of cash! And so, if they don't actually give you a boat filled with cash, and then dump the boat out on you, or in your house, or at your workplace, then this is a clear a case of false advertising as you'll ever see! Ha: Got you, you liars! (Just kidding. Although you could try to sue over this little claim and see if you get the case thrown out as frivolous: you never know, it might work, especially if the judge has been screwed on his/her mortgage by some company like Lending Tree.)

Oh, but be careful what you wish for, for if you complain that they said a boatload of cash, and they gave you an electronic transfer instead, they might just go get a tall-ship's-worth of pennies and crush you to death with them (!!!). I heard they do that all the time, but usually only to people who don't pay them on time. (Just kidding! They only do that to people who make fun of their ads! But I just sell the pennies for the copper and make out like a bandit. In fact, it's a little sideline we've got going on at, um... Okay, no we don't. But it might be a way to make extra cash in this economy if you want to try it.)

Here's the dummy commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juH6n3y9pR8

Senior Vatican Cleric Arrested for Smuggling 20 Million Euros

A senior Vatican cleric was arrested yesterday on suspicion of the attempted smuggling of 20 Million Euros into Vatican City from Switzerland on a private jet, seemingly continuing a long tradition of secrecy, intrigue and corruption within the Vatican bank. But the suspect, Monsignor Nunzio Scarana, 61, one of the Vatican's highest ranking financial administration accountants, claimed the charges were the result of a misunderstanding not only of the specific circumstances surrounding this event, but also of the Church's financial dealings in general, saying:

"Hey, I wasn't smuggling this money. This money came to the Church because it had been involved in a criminal enterprise, and it felt guilty about it, so it wanted to confess its sins. And because the sins in this case were purportedly so great, this money felt it must come to the Vatican itself for confession in order to find absolution. And I wasn't smuggling it, so much as I was respecting its privacy under the priest-penitent privilege, the confidentiality agreement required for the possessor of a guilty conscience to feel safe enough to partake of this sacrament and truly feel absolved. You see, we knew that this money would have become the focus of unwanted limelight and scandal rag sensationalism had we brought it in publicly, so I attempted to invite the money in incognito, to protect its reputation. Plus, this money is truly contrite as to the criminal manner in which it was made, despite the fact that it couldn't help how it was created, and so it was seeking redemption by investing itself in helping the poor. And I thought, hey: we help the poor right here in the Vatican, and so the money asked if it could live here as penance for its original sin, joining with lots of other penitent money from other corrupt practices, and helping in financing our efforts to save souls and feed the poor. And so as you can see, we were merely seeking to save this money. We keep hearing about how people aren't saving enough money, and here I was about to save some money, and I get arrested and accused of all this nefarious malefaction. Talk about mixed signals! What kind of message does this send when people like me get arrested for trying to save money? It's outrageous! Why, all I can say about these charges is: Jesus wept."

A Vatican spokesman repeated this assertion and said that it is not unusual for the moneys of various criminal enterprises to seek sanctuary within Vatican coffers not only for absolution, but also to escape the unwanted influence of criminal underworld types, preventing such monies from being subject to inclusion in further criminal activity, and that the entire issue of corrupt money within the Church and its related sources and purposes is completely misconstrued, resulting in nothing less than absolute unwarranted and discriminatory obloquy.

Here's the money-saving story:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/06/28/vatican-bank-arrests-idUSL5N0F40KQ20130628

Mr. Meaner & Miss Demeanor

It's the new buddy cop movie you've all been waiting for: Mr. Meaner & Miss Demeanor! It's the good cop/bad cop movie for today's audiences! He's the hardboiled angry loose cannon who's always getting in trouble with internal affairs; she's a former etiquette writer for a women's magazine whose fiancé was murdered by a drug gang and who is sworn to stop violent crime, but only through the use of polite and cultured manners and decorum! And they've been partnered together because they're incapable of working with anyone else, and they both need the edge the other has, and to soften each other's extreme stances and proclivities. Yes, once they get their hands on a suspect, she butters them up while he's stomping their ass! It's the perfect combination for a new definition of good cop/bad cop! That's Mr. Meaner & Miss Demeanor: coming soon to a holding tank and interview room near you! (Rated "R", for "Riveting"!)

Yacht Club Mysteries

I know some people who live in an exclusive area of Long Island, and they love sailing. So, naturally, they own a sailboat. They bought their summer house there where it is years and years ago, and they really wanted to join the local yacht club, but it was completely full with all the membership that was available, and the situation was such that there was a long waiting list to join the club, and another member literally would have to die in order for the club to accept in any new members. And everybody with a boat really wanted to join this yacht club a lot.

Well, eventually, after waiting for like twenty years, the people I know were finally able to join, and as far as I know, the situation is basically still the same, with the yacht club membership being completely full, necessitating current members to die in order to admit new members, and there is currently an even longer list than there was twenty years ago of people who really, really, really want to join this particular yacht club. And this gave me an idea for a mystery series, like the ones on Masterpiece Mystery, only American.

So basically, the set-up would be the same as that stated above, with a very exclusive yacht club that everybody wants to join, but there is no room for new members until someone dies. And then the area where the yacht club is becomes even more ritzy as a bunch of power players and pillars of industry move there and build enormous mansions and such. Well, they bring their wonderful, exquisite, exorbitantly-priced yachts, but there's still no room for new members at the yacht club. So these guys offer to build a new clubhouse, buy more property for the club, buy a cutting-edge racing sailboat for the club (which has a prestigious history of winning sailing cup races and so forth), but the answer is still "no". And these are not the kinds of guys who are accustomed to being told "no". (Some of these guys even try to get together to buy enough waterfront property to build their own yacht club, but there is no property available with the correct zoning for permitting a yacht club, and the city council that decides is populated by members of the extant yacht club, and they're not about to allow another yacht club permission to compete with them. {But the cultured people among this group of yacht club wait list wannabes want to join the existing yacht club for the prestige and tradition anyway, so a new yacht club would not do for their purposes at all.})

And so these guys have to wait for someone to die in order for them to be able to join the yacht club. And then, all of a sudden, yacht club members begin dying in mysterious ways, most of which are related to yachting: keel hauling, tied to the mast on an overturned sailboat, killed in an engine explosion aboard their power boat, gone down with the ship when a large leak developed, etc. And a local police officer (this being a small hamlet of working class locals who live there year round with a majority of the homes being summer homes {mansions, really} for rich New York City people) has to untangle the web of intrigue in order to solve the crimes, which he does so by acting sufficiently like a local yokel for the rich power brokers to underestimate and look down upon him, and so they let slip various boating related details they wouldn't suspect this guy to be bright or alert enough to notice (they don't know this guy is an avid sailing enthusiast, but he can't afford a nice sailboat or afford the yacht club, so he just has a teensy little sailboat moored by a local hardware store; but he reads lots and lots of books about sailing all the time), and eventually he pieces together each and every crime one-by-one, apprehending the killers, and revealing the motives.

And there would be a new 90 minute show each week, and everyone killed would be some rich Wall Street investment banker, corporate lawyer, or political lobbyist type, and every killer would be someone else like that as well, so lots of people might be interested in watching the show, especially after the financial crash, the mortgage meltdown, the foreclosure scandals, all the political corruption lately, etc. And the heroes would be the local hardworking policemen and the local community that make the wheels go 'round in this community. But we'd also have plenty of nice rich characters too, many of them yacht racing types, and they go into lots of sailing stuff in the show as well, showing off the beautiful yacht club location and all the wonderful yachts and racing sailboats. And there would also be the young people who come to sail as the racing crew and the people who come for the summer to work at the yacht club, which is mainly a seasonal affair. So it would have something for everyone, unless they hate boating and lovely seaside views.

Ants & Toothpaste

When I went to New York recently, I visited a friend of mine's house out on Long Island, and in the bathroom there was a trail of ants going up to and back from the tube of toothpaste, which had been left open. I wondered why ants would want toothpaste, but hey, I guess they deserve white teeth and fresh breath just like everybody else. (Maybe they're being brainwashed by all the TV commercials they're exposed to? Or do they even have brains to wash? Hey, maybe that's a new growth market: ant toothpaste and brain wash!)

Salt of the Earth

I heard someone on TV say of an actor who recently died that they were "the salt of the Earth". Oh, but isn't salt bad for us? And isn't there an agenda to limit salt and to demonize salt? So then, isn't calling someone salt a slanderous insult? Wow, what a vicious smear, to refer to someone as being evil salt when they're not even alive anymore to defend themselves! The person who said that must be a cad indeed.

But you know, the person of whom they were speaking died of a presumed heart attack, and so maybe they were working that salt of the Earth comment in there to suggest the idea that salt was to blame for the death through the use of the complimentary terminology selected to eulogize said deceased person? Well, I wouldn't put it past these health food propagandists to inject salt in the wound and into the conversation in such a way as to subliminally make people suspicious and terrified of salt by causing a subconscious connection between salt and death: a-ha, their plan is clear now! (I am, of course, joking here, I hope everyone understands...)

(Actually, it is a little-known fact that salt can be used as a protection against evil*, and it is my belief that the people who are trying to ban salt are only doing so in order that we will be powerless to combat their evil plans later on. Okay, maybe not, but they're still jerks, because salt is really yummy, especially on all of the bland food like tofu and stuff we're supposed to be eating according to the health bullies.)

* Ask any white magician. White magician, as in like opposed to a black magician, as in a Satanist or whatnot, not like a magician who is a white person, like Doug Henning or whatever, for mere illusionists know not of the wondrous powers of good possessed by salt, because they're just fakes who don't know how to do real magick like Harry Potter and (allegedly) Aleister Crowley! (I am, of course, only kidding about illusionists: the good ones are very entertaining, and it's really quite amazing what some of them come up with and stuff. But it's not "real" magick, and they didn't even make a deal with the devil or anything for special magical powers, which is really boring of them not to have done, and certainly nobody's going to bother to write a black metal concept album about anyone like Doug Henning or David Copperfield. {I'm just trying to see if I can trick any bands into doing a concept album about one of these guys, because I've always wanted to hear what it might sound like. I wonder, might it have lyrics something like: "He practiced his prestidigitation meticulously, and he didn't try to sacrifice anyone to Satan or anything, and in fact Satan was not even tangentially involved whatsoever, la la la la." [Grind, Grind, Grind!]?})

Lyrica Disclaimer

Lyrica, some anticonvulsant/anxiety medication marketed for pain management, has a fun disclaimer that says: "Those who have had a drug or alcohol problem may be more likely to misuse Lyrica." But how do we know they're telling the truth about this? They might be lying just to smear drug addicts! They should have to prove it with some druggie saying: "Hey, man, I'm a drug abuser, and I love Lyrica! But I always misuse it, so look out if you're like me, man!" Okay, so maybe that wouldn't prove anything, but seeing is believing, isn't it? So it's better than nothing. What, are we just supposed to trust drug companies? Yeah, right: with all those side effects they list, not a chance! (Hey, maybe they could get Cheech & Chong to be their celebrity druggie spokesmen?)

Here's the addictive advertisement:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYZNHHAz-BY

State Farm Iron Maiden (Joke) Ad

You know those silly ads from that State Farm Insurance ad campaign where people break something and sing: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!"? Well, I thought it might be a bit more fun to have some rock singer with a ridiculously high range sing that part. So in this joke ad, Iron Maiden is playing a concert at some mansion filled with expensive antiques, and there's a crowd of metalheads all slam dancing and moshing around, and stuff starts getting broken, panicking the college-aged guy whose parents this house belongs to. And so seeing this, Bruce Dickinson ends the song and says: "Hey, don't worry. Check this out!" And then he belts out, in a very high, continually rising operatic metal singing voice (as in the chorus for "Run to the Hills"): "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-re!" And so a State Farm agent appears in a huge explosion of pyrotechnic flames and smoke, wearing an 'Eddie' (or a maybe even a Satan) costume, like on the cover of the Iron Maiden album: Number of the Beast, and she says: "Oh, hey guys! What's up?" And so Bruce points out the damaged antiques, and the insurance agent lady says: "Oh, no problem!", and (*Poof!*), the antiques are replaced good as new! And so then the State Farm agent lady sings along on the next Iron Maiden song, and the party crowd all starts slamming around again, trashing the new replaced antiques.

And then, if this ad was popular with viewers, there could be a whole series of them, like with someone driving into Iron Maiden's tour bus, and Bruce Dickinson getting out to survey the damage. And so the other driver would be all apologetic and everything, and Bruce would say: "Hey, no problem, man." And then he'd sing: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!", and his voice would shatter everyone's windshields. And then the State Farm agent would arrive, again in a huge fireball explosion of pyrotechnics, dressed like 'Eddie' (the eight-foot-tall monster), and she'd remove her rubber mask and say: "You again? You're always breaking stuff. What's up this time, guys?" And they'd show her the wreck, and, she'd say: "Oh, no problem!" and fix everything, including all the shattered windshields, with a snap of her fingers (*Shazam!*), using that evil brand of insurance black magick they always use to fix stuff for the commercials. (In real life, they get some third-party company to fix it as cheaply as possible.) And then she'd say something like: "Oops: Gotta go. Sorry, Ozzy just broke something." And then she disappears, and we see her appear in Ozzy's house just after he put a sledgehammer through the TV set, and he says: "I couldn't find the remote, and it wouldn't shut up." And she says: "Oh, no problem.", and fixes it. (Oh, but then Ozzy still can't find the remote, so he smashes it again.)

Here's an example of this ad campaign I'm making fun of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB6r2Wi0E98

And this is the cover of Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast (The State Farm agent would be dressed in a costume to look like one of the two figures pictured here.):

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080831220251/music/images/1/16/The-Number-Of-The-Beast.jpg

Carpe Per Diem (Joke Rewards Credit Card Ad)

The more the oversight people look into this IRS scandal, the more waste, fraud and abuse is becoming apparent, like misuse of credit cards, buying lots of extraneous crap they never used, and getting lots and lots of gourmet foodstuffs and luxurious gifts and services for living the high life at conferences. Well, this made me think this whole situation could make a fun ad for a special business rewards credit card, with the ad campaign slogan being: "Carpe Per Diem" ("Seize the Per Diem Expenses!").

So for this ad, we could see government workers, like from an agency like the IRS, the GAO, or from any of the other government agencies that might be doing this same type of secretly-habitual-wasteful-spending-on-luxurious-business-extravagances-on-the-taxpayer's-dime thing but hasn't been exposed yet (actually, it might be extra fun for it to be some imaginary three-lettered agency name, just so as to have fun with the whole icky trend, but not to abuse anyone in particular, because apparently they're all doing it), all partying at some palatial hotel dripping with hoity-toity design features and luxurious amenities, and the main person in the commercial says (to the camera and the audience) that ever since government agencies have been exposed for their waste, fraud and abuse, the days of extravagance are possibly coming to an end, and so they've got to charge up as much stuff for themselves as they possibly can before they get caught and the credit card gets cut up by the angry oversight committee; but that since nobody ever gets in any trouble for this type of excessive spending stuff beyond maybe getting a finger wagged in their face, they might as well charge up every last dime they can until they get caught, at some ridiculously swanky conference charging up anything and everything they can think of: solid gold bathtubs full of beluga caviar, Damien Hirst diamond skulls, etc. And then they could say that even after they get in trouble for doing all of this, the luxurious rewards will continue to roll in because of their business rewards credit card, and that even after they're no longer allowed to abuse their expense accounts like crazy, they'll still have plenty of bling and such from the rewards program (because they spent so much misappropriated {read: stolen} money from we the people). And because the rewards program is so very rewarding, they use this fact as an excuse for why they charged so much ridiculously expensive, extravagant stuff on the agency's credit card to begin with. And so the congressional oversight committee is furious, but because the card is in that agency's name, the rewards cannot be redirected to another party; and then we see, after a series of outraged newspaper headlines, this very same agency having a huge party with what they got from all the rewards points. And then we also see the oversight committee members at the party as well, saying stuff like: "Sorry we were so hard on you at the hearing, but everyone was looking." And the head of this agency, who was grilled and publicly shamed, but is throwing this party immediately afterwards anyway, says: "Hey, no hard feelings: I know how this stuff works. Here, have another glass of that Champagne from the wreck of the Titanic we bought at auction." (And the Champagne is poured into a personalized commemorative cut crystal Champagne flute for everyone to keep as a souvenir.) Then the announcer says: "The more you spend, the more you get back in rewards! So go ahead: Carpe Per Diem!"

Here is that Damien Hirst diamond skull thingy, in case you missed it:

http://www.ohgizmo.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/skull.jpg

Repeater Ranger (The Superhero)

Yes, it's Repeater Ranger, reception renegade, the cellular superhero! Yes, Repeater Ranger will help you get cell phone reception wherever you are, because he can fly, hover, and he wears a cellular repeater on this chest. And so whenever he spies someone who can't get any bars, he'll show up to save the day!

Yes, you can now make that call from the bottom of a long underwater tunnel, on the top of some remote mountain, and even when you're down in a diving bell, because Repeater Ranger has the most powerful cell phone repeater ever constructed: it's got super powers like him! Plus, Repeater Ranger has all the same powers as Superman, but he doesn't really enjoy fighting crime, and he's pretty much ambivalent about justice and stuff like that, but he's obsessed with cell-phone reception, because when he was a child, growing up in Montana (having arrived there from another planet as a baby) during the very beginning of widespread public cell phone use, the girl he loved demanded he call her every day, but he could never get any bars on his phone, so he could never call her, and she dumped him (!). And so now he fights for cell phone reception wherever it's the weakest, righting wrongs and, um; well, actually he doesn't really right wrongs, as I said before. But if you need a strong signal to make a call and you have "no service", Repeater Ranger's on the case!

Oh, but his super-heroism is not always easy, because his nemesis, the super villain The Lethal Landline is always trying to kill cell phone reception to force people back to using landline phones! Can Repeater Ranger save the day and get us full bars, or will The Lethal Landline drop his call for good? Tune in for the next exciting episode of: Repeater Ranger: Cell Phone Superhero!

(This might make a fun TV ad campaign for a cell phone company claiming to have the best nationwide service. They could show this scenario, and then claim you don't need to rely on such a superhero to save the day when you get {whatever company's [AT&T, Verizon]} service.)

Whiskas "Cat Food Fever" Cat Food Ad (Proposed)

Hey, remember that Ted Nugent song "Cat Scratch Fever"? Well, ever since I can remember, as long as I have been feeding anyone's cats, I start singing it to myself and the cats, but with new lyrics. So that made me think that maybe it's finally time for this song to take its rightful place as a cat food ad. All they'd have to do is change the lyrics a bit, and presto: a cat food ad song (for cats who remember who Ted Nugent is).

So here are the new lyrics for the song, which is now called "Cat Food Fever":

Cat food fever, meow meow meow,
Cat food fever, meow meow meow,

Well the first time that they got it I'd just opened a can,
And they went crazy on me,
So I just decided there I'd feed them Whiskas from then,
And I've got happy kitties,

It gives them cat food fever, meow meow meow,
Cat food fever, meow meow meow,
Cat food fever, meow meow meow,
Cat food fever, (guitar meow-ish sounding lick).

And the video would show some '70s-looking guy like a young-ish Ted Nugent type, with long hair and a handlebar mustache, wearing a Western-style cowboy shirt with the pearl snaps up the front and bellbottom jeans, and he's feeding his cats, and they're going crazy waiting for the food. And once the food bowls are down, the cats are all chowing down. And then we get a reverse shot back to the other side of the kitchen, and there's a band playing the song, with a big light show and everything.

This is "Cat Scratch Fever", for those of you unfamiliar with it (The ad song would use the part on this clip from 0:47 to 1:25, roughly):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaQFC0h91zQ

The Big Broadcast Ad (Proposed)

I don't know if WFUV has the money or the inclination to produce a television commercial for their great big band show on Sunday nights from 8-12 EST, called "The Big Broadcast", but it's a great broadcast of wonderful old music from the 1920s to the 1940s. I went out to a friend's summer house on Long Island while I was in New York, and while driving back to the city we got stuck in traffic, so I looked for a radio station to listen to, and happened quite by accident upon The Big Broadcast. Well, this is the kind of music that everyone could enjoy (except maybe teenagers, who generally much prefer their own music). So here's my idea for a TV ad for KFUV's Sunday night NYC radio show, The Big Broadcast:

A family of three-generations-worth of all adults is driving back to New York City from the Hamptons (or some such road trip into the city on a Sunday night): an elderly couple of grandparents, their son and daughter-in-law, and their college-age son. Well, they get stuck in very slow stop & go traffic, and they're all arguing back and forth about everything from the traffic to the route to what occurred over the past weekend, and everybody is in a bad mood. So the college-aged son asks if he may turn on the radio and try to find a station they'd all like. Everyone seems to agree that no such thing exists, but they let him try anyway just because there seems to be no other way for them all to pass the time besides arguing. So he turns on the radio, seeks up & down past all kinds of stations: hip hop, political shouting matches, sleepy classical music, country, etc., of varying degrees of strength (with regard to reception and static), but nobody wants to listen to any of them until he stumbles upon The Big Broadcast, playing some wonderful big band music. Well, the grandparents recognize this, the parents know it from their parents, and the college-age guy knows it from Turner Classic Movies. Well, once the music starts, everyone stops arguing and starts enjoying the music, with some singing along, and some accounts of how the grandparents know the songs, etc. And by the time the family arrives at their home in the city, after much stop & go traffic crawling along due to construction and wrecks, etc., everyone mentions how it's too bad the ride is over, and they're going to have to tune in next week for The Big Broadcast together in the car.

BTW: For those who don't know, this is the webpage for The Big Broadcast, and at the bottom of the page, they have archives of the most recent two Sunday night broadcasts which you can listen to on your computer if you'd like. There are no controls for pausing, rewinding, fast-forwarding, etc., nor skipping forward or back as far as I can tell, so you have to listen to it straight through, but it's there if you're interested, and it's really fun old music:

http://www.wfuv.org/programs/bigbroadcast

Oscar the Grouch Busted for ID Theft

Oscar the Grouch always sings about how he loves trash, and now we know why: because all of our personal information is in there! It turns out that he's just a dumpster-diving ID thief, and whenever he gets caught in the trash, he just pretends to be a grouch and sings about how much he loves trash. Why, the nerve of this guy!

Investigators caught Oscar living in a bejeweled solid gold and platinum trash can on Miami Beach, sipping the world's most expensive Champagne, bought through Christie's auction house, in his own trash can hot tub with a bevy of high-priced call girls. But Oscar claims NYC recycling program regulations made him do it!

So who's really to blame here: the perp or the system, man?

(Just kidding! Oscar's being framed by SpongeBob SquarePants!)

I'm Too Sexy for My Jail...

Some people online are claiming an accused former New England Patriots player, Aaron Hernandez, now a murder suspect currently held without bail, is too sexy for prison. Which is why I think he should raise money for his defense with a new music video for the classic narcissistic dance track: "I'm Too Sexy", by Right Said Fred, but with new lyrics for his unique situation, like so:

I'm too sexy for my jail, too sexy for my cell, too sexy, oh hell,
I'm too sexy an employer, too sexy for my lawyer, and the judge, it annoys her.

I'm too sexy for all crimes, too sexy for all times, too sexy for my rhymes,
I'm too sexy for your TV, for those who want to see me, on HLN all evening.

Yeah on the perp walk, on the perp walk, I take my little turn on the perp walk...

I'm too sexy for the law, too sexy for squad cars, too sexy by far,
I'm too sexy for the cops, too sexy I can't stop, the charges they should drop.

I'm an athlete, you know what I mean, and I take my little turn on the perp walk.
Yeah on the perp walk, on the perp walk, I shake my perfect tush on the perp walk.

Here's the sexy story:

http://espn.go.com/boston/nfl/story/_/id/9424056/aaron-hernandez-new-england-patriots-arrested

And here's the sexy song (Warning: This may be too sexy for you!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk

(BTW: I'm not saying he thinks he's too sexy. Just some people on Twitter think so.)

A Library Protest

I keep seeing protesters who say: "We will not be silent!" about whatever issue they're protesting. But what if they were in a library, and they were protesting something about some library policy? Then it might go something like this:

Protesters: "We will not be silent!"
Library Patrons: "But we're trying to read."
Protesters: "Okay, but we will not be prevented from writing on a posterboard and holding it up as a sign!"
Library Patrons: "Okay, that's fine. We'll read it when we're in between chapters, if that's okay with you."
Protesters: "Okay, that's fine. Thanks."

(Library patrons are so reasonable...)

Churches Training Priests with Goalie Skills to Keep Out Gay Weddings

Now that the Supreme Court has given gay couples the idea that they ought to have the same equal rights as everybody else, church leaders are afraid this could lead to gay couples trying to sneak in for church weddings. So church leaders have decided to train their priests in goalie tactics to "save" the church from that kind of embarrassment. You see, the thinking is that if they can prevent gay couples from entering the church buildings, they can stop gay marriages for occurring. And so now priests will be diving left and right to keep suspected gay couples from passing through the doorways. Of course, if gay couples can somehow fake out the goaltending priests, like in soccer penalty kicks, maybe they can "score" themselves a gay church wedding, achieving their Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-l-l-l!!!

Perhaps the best way to trick them would be to have a woman friend in a wedding dress lead the gay wedding party into the church and then she just walks out of the back door afterwards to go change her clothes and re-enters the front door again as a wedding guest.

(This is a joke in support of gay marriage rights, by the way, in case you couldn't tell.)

Allstate People Live for Good Ad

This ad is really effective on an emotional level; it even made a friend of mine get choked up when we get to put a face to the voice, and it affected me too. Oh, but as effective as it is on an emotional level, it's also really easy to make fun of message-wise. How? Well, all you have to do is run exactly the same ad, and at the end, when we see the little girl sitting on the steps in front of her house, she could say: "And you can get insurance coverage, but insurers will still word the policies in such a way so that they'll never actually have to pay out on any claims." Yes, cynical, I know. But still, it fits, doesn't it, with not only the whole ad's "this but that" theme, but also with the ugly truth of how insurance companies so often pay lawyers to figure out how to avoid paying claims, rather than trying to help people in need?

Yeah, and I'm sorry to have to say this, but this little girl's heart-string-tugging speech here is merely proving that she's not a very good insurance risk, because she's always trying to figure out ways to rationalize irresponsible and risky behavior, and as such, nobody's going to want to insure her. No, really: try giving this spiel to an insurer in their office when asking for a personal life insurance policy, and they'll say: "Hey, here's your hat, what's your hurry? Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!" Because the truth is, despite all their lofty claims, insurance companies don't like paying out money; they only like taking it in. And if there's any real risk, they're not interested, because they might have to pay out more than they take in.

And based upon the very first sentence of the spot, I thought it was yet another ad for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel!

Here's the risky shark-infested insurance spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI1bKm22Up0

But I like the creative thinking that went into this spot, and I'm just being a smartass when I make fun of it. This ad's scenario is really the kind of thing I think insurance companies might want to try to get away from all the requisite silliness in all the recent insurance ad campaigns, and for being different, and so sweet, as well as so optimistic in tone, I think this ad and its related new campaign will get a lot of attention for its change in tone to something that hits a lot closer to home than CGI ducks and geckos: our kids, and the stuff they do that might be risky. And when we think about that, we think about their fun, but also that we'd better be covered just in case. And that would make me pick up a phone a lot more than an animated anthropomorphized animal spokesperson, because I don't have one of those in my family that I have to worry about getting help for if they get hurt someday.

And nothing against the anthropomorphized animal ad mascots: they've just kind of run their course, perhaps. And after all, insurance is not a flippant business, when you think about it, so while they're attention-getting, I'm not so sure how much they inspire confidence in the quality or reliability of an insurance company's services. And after all, isn't that what insurance is for? That's why The Mayhem Guy was so great in my opinion: he showed what could go wrong in a fun and silly manner, but it also made you think about the reality of all of these situations, and what they might require insurance-wise. But I will definitely be interested to see what effect, if any, this current Allstate spot has on the state of the insurance advertising landscape. Because, you know, advertising is what I cover...

(Oh, and when they say "People Live for Good", are they perhaps using "for good" as a way of meaning "forever", and as such, also aiming their insurance services towards the future zombie clientele once they escape from the military research facility and conquer the world? If so, when the zombie apocalypse occurs, Allstate will already have their campaign in place to attract the most zombies, and will quickly become the #1 zombie insurance company in America. Because with this ad's slogan, they're the only company anticipating this market.)

AC/DC Apple iOS7 Ad Song?

Hey, how about a song for an ad to trumpet the release of Apple's new iOS7 iPhone operating system based upon AC/DC's classic song: "You Shook Me All Night Long"? All they'd have to do is alter the lyrics to be more specific to the product they're advertising, like so:

(To the tune of “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC)

She was a fast machine

She kept her OS clean

She was the best damn smartphone that I’ve ever seen

It had a huge flash drive

Made me feel alive

And plenty of apps so I could really thrive

It lets me cruise around

In every part of town

And every time it rings it makes me really sing

I’m wheeling and dealing,

I’m hitting the ceiling,

I’m going places,

This iPhone’s aces,

And, you, iPhone you're the best

iPhone, you, you're better than the rest

I love to use Apple, you, iPhone you're the best

iPhone, you, have the best OS

HBO OD (Joke Ad)

HBO is advertising their On Demand services with a logo that says: "HBO OD". But does this sound like something you'd want, an overdose of HBO? Maybe their ads should feature some CSI-type scenario where someone is found dead in front of their TV set, which is showing HBO programming, and then the investigator on the case says: "Just as I suspected: He died of an HBO OD! It's an epidemic of senseless deaths from amazing programming that's so compelling, people are forgetting to eat and even to breathe!" And then some doctor comes on the screen in what looks like a PSA, and she's urging HBO OD viewers to please remember that your body needs nourishment, oxygen, exercise, and so forth, and that she understands how wonderful and fascinating HBO programming is, but that you've got to be sure you take care of the rest of you too, and not just glut your pleasure centers all the time. In fact, if you watch enough HBO programming, no other entertainment will even work on you anymore due to a tolerance you've built up to only quality viewing.

Samsung Smart TV Run Ad

In this ad for Samsung Smart TVs, a bunch of movie trope characters are running along a beach towards a guy sitting in a chair, with some cop cars and army attack helicopters joining in on the fun. And this is all impressive and everything, but the arbitrary edit near the end that places the guy back in his living room is awkward for a reason: they had to change the ad, because the dinosaur won the race, ate the guy's head off, after which the dinosaur was arrested and led away in handcuffs by the police. I told them just to use fake CGI dinosaurs, but the Samsung advertising department said: "No way, man: on our TVs, people will be able to tell they're fake, so we're not risking looking silly here; this is an expensive commercial." And so this hapless commercial actor became dino-dinner. Oh, the humanity?

Here's Samsung's smart sprinting spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcLw-MzwkZk

Robot Smokers: The Next Phase of Electronic Smoking Devices

If you ever watch TV at night, you've likely seen all the new ads for electronic cigarettes. They're just flavored water vapor, so the claim is that they won't bother anyone, and you can smoke in peace. But that's probably bullish!t, and all the anti-smoking bullies will still attack and harass you if you use one of them in public, in addition to these things not really being all that enjoyable, I'd venture to guess. So perhaps what these electronic cigarette companies need to do is develop some other product to help smokers, and I think I've got just the thing: Robot Smokers.

Yes, with Robot Smokers, you can just set your lifelike robot up to smoke those yucky electronic cigarettes, and while all the anti-smoking activists jump all over them to harass the robot about smoking, the human smoker can sneak away to go have a real cigarette in the bathroom. Yes, it's Robot Smokers: allowing you to have that real, satisfying smoking experience, because it takes all the bullying attacks while you sneak away to smoke yourself in privacy and comfort.

Why So Many Sequel Movies This Summer?

Jake Tapper asked the entertaining question recently: Why are there so many movie sequels this summer? Now, I didn't have the time to see what I'm guessing was another CNN panel discussion segment with multiple points of view, all arguing like this is the most important and controversial issue of our time, but there's a very simple answer to this question of why there are so many movie sequels this summer, and it's this: Sequels are easy, Hollywood brass is lazy (and risk-averse), these movies make lots of money, and lots of us pay money to go see them; plus there are more platforms than ever before to make money on a high-profile movie release (like Pay-Per-View, NetFlix-style streaming, BluRay, Pay Cable, Airlines, Network TV, etc.). And that's the reason, plain and simple.

Discovery Channel Shark Week Snuffy the Seal Ad

Oh the seality! Oh, Snuffy: we hardly knew ya! Oh, those mean ol' sharks: they'll get theirs someday! Someone will make a new Jaws movie that will be good like the first one for a change, and everyone will go out and kill sharks in large numbers! In fact, hey, why not do it in revenge for this commercial and what happened to poor old Snuffy the seal?

Oh, so Snuffy's not real, huh? Well, Snuffy can't help that, you jerk! We're supposed hold that against Snuffy, something Snuffy can't even help, and not go murder sharks in large numbers for that reason? Whatever. You're just a collaborator who's helping sharks get away with murder with that kind of stuff, man! It may be fictional, but it's still murder, you depraved so-and-so. And when all the sharks watching Shark Week see our vengeance, surely they'll stop killing cute things and us from now on. (Or will they also seek revenge? Oh, I don't know. But we have to do something or else they'll eat us all! Aaaa!)

Here's Snuffy's Fifteen Minutes of Feeding Frenzy Fame:

http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/nature/post/snuffy-the-seal-pays-dearly-in-shark-week-promo/

But I guess the seal was named "Snuffy", so we shouldn't have been surprised when it turned out to be a snuff film! (Oh my God!!!!!)

Men's Wearhouse Ad Spokesman Kerfuffle

While listening to NPR in the car yesterday, I heard a report about how a bunch of people in the general public are angry at Men's Wearhouse for severing their ties with the founder with regard to their advertising campaign, for which he had been the spokesman and pitchman. But why are people up-in-arms over this? Ad campaigns end and get changed all the time. This guy is rich as heck, so it's not like he's going to be destitute and living on the streets, you know. It's just an ad campaign, for God's sake! And we don't even know what the new ad campaign is going to be like, so why get all angry when you don't even know what's coming next? (If the new ad campaign is lame and does poorly for the company, then fine, complain then; but until we even know what the new one is, how about giving it a chance first?)

Seriously, does everyone get all angry and contrarian whenever there's a new ad campaign, slogan, or pitchman? Did everyone get mad when Coca-Cola ended their "Coke Is It" campaign, saying stuff like: "Hey, if Coke isn't it, then what is it?", "What is "it" anyway? We don't know anymore! We're so confused!", "Please, bring "it" back!", "If Coke isn't it, then I don't want it anymore!"? I don't think so, but maybe I wasn't paying attention enough back then.

Oh, and remember the old campaign for milk using the slogan: "Milk is a natural"? When milk went with "Got Milk?", did people get mad and say: "Oh, milk isn't natural anymore?", "Milk is un-natural now!", etc.? And when they stopped using the "Milk: It does a body good" slogan, did everyone get angry and accuse milk of being bad for our bodies? I wouldn't be surprised.

Only joking about that stuff, but seriously: people should give the new campaign a chance first before they decide they hate it. I don't know why we all feel such a blind loyalty to the "You're going to love the way you look: I guarantee it" guy. After all, I'm sure there have been occasions that despite buying and looking nice in clothes from Men's Wearhouse, people who don't like their own face still don't like the way they look, and when has that ad slogan guy ever paid for their plastic surgery? He said they'd like the way they looked, he guaranteed it, and so for everyone who has ever shopped at his store and then not liked the way they looked afterwards, he has betrayed them and engaged in false advertising! Why, the cad: that guarantee is just rubbing it in to people who think they're unattractive, essentially saying: "I dare you to sue me over this!" Why, it's inhuman! (Okay, I'm only joking about that too.)

But I see a similar analogy to bands who have had members leave: often the new replacements get abused, often badly, by fans who are mad the original member is not there anymore (CJ Ramone famously had this problem when Dee Dee left the band because he wanted to do other stuff: should the Ramones have just toured without a bass player? No, they really needed one, and it wasn't CJ's fault Dee Dee wanted to leave. It's not like the Ramones were cheating on Dee Dee behind his back and betrayed him. But even if they had, is it the new replacement's fault?); but that's not the new guy's fault: he's just there to fill a vacancy that's not even his doing. Should nobody ever fill in anymore, and bands have to break up when one member leaves? No, they keep going because people want to go see them; and products will keep advertising stuff after the end of a well-loved campaign or pitchperson's departure, for whatever reason. So unless you hate the product anyway, just let's all give the new ad campaign a chance before we all say it sucks. (But once we see it, feel free to says: "It sucks", even if it's great.)

Congress Swears Revenge for Supreme Court DOMA Overturn

People like me are very happy today that the Supreme Court of the United States finally declared the Defense of Marriage Act, a law written to deprive gay Americans of equal rights under the law with regard to marriage, unconstitutional, finally granting everyone equal protection under marriage laws; but Congress is irate and vindictive, threatening revenge.

"You may think you've won today, equal rights, but we'll get you! Enjoy your victory today, because pretty soon, we'll secretly slip some provision into necessary legislation everyone will support which will strip another group of equal rights under the law, and by the time that one makes it up to the Supreme Court to get struck down, we'll slip in another, and another, and another equal-rights-denying provision into law! You can't stop us: Mwa ha ha! You only think you've won, for now! When you least expect it: expect it! You'll get yours, freedom and equality, and you won't see it coming, either! You'll rue the day you messed with us, equal rights! Mark my words: Your days are numbered!", ranted an unnamed Congressman Wednesday, moments after the Court's decision was announced.

Well, I guess it's only a matter of time before we find out if and how members of Congress will make good on their promised equal-rights-denying legislation threats, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Asteroid Mining Could Produce Trillions in Wealth

In a news story from The Week, it is claimed that asteroid mining could bring trillions of dollars to the world economy. Oh, but I know how we could use asteroid mining to add trillions of dollars to the world economy without ever having to leave the Earth! All we'd have to do is simply say we went to an asteroid and mined all of this ultra-valuable stuff from it, which we then sold to international corporations who requested we not reveal who they are so they don't get harassed by the press; and if the news people doubt the story, complaining that they never saw any of the asteroid riches, NASA could simply say: "Man, that asteroid stuff we mined is first-class stuff; you don't think we'd waste any of it on leaches like you, do you? Gitowdaheyah!" Then The Fed could simply print up trillions of dollars and give it to me, and I would be sure to blow it all on lots and lots of stuff that would insure the money got into the economy quickly. And the world economy would get the money just the same, but without all that effort and danger and expense and greenhouse gas emissions from rocket launches. And since I thought this plan up to help the environment, I get the money first; but fear not: you'll all get your share soon enough, as I'll blow the whole amount, and probably 75% will go to taxes anyway, paying off our national debt immediately. So how about it, Chairman Bernanke: may I have my huge pile of trillions of dollars now, please?

Here's the astronomical money-mining story:

http://theweek.com/article/index/246086/how-asteroid-mining-could-add-trillions-to-the-world-economy

"The Burn" Evil Laugh Ad (Proposed)

This proposed TV spot, for the Comedy Central show The Burn (with Jeff Ross), would start with a blank black screen, and we'd hear a series of evil-sounding laughs, like the mad scientists and bad guys from Warner Bros. cartoons ("Moo hoo ha ha ha!", "Mwa ha ha!", "Eh, heh heh heh heh!", and so forth), and wicked witch cackles, like from the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, and Witch Hazel from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Then the announcer would say: "What are they all laughing at? They're watching people being torn apart... On The Burn, with Jeff Ross!" Then we'd see a video clip from the show.

Acting Award Acceptance Speech Thank You

I saw an actress win an award at the Tony awards recently, and included in the people she thanked were the other actresses nominated for the same award. And with my silly, twisted mind, I couldn't help but think that she could have said it like this: "I'd also like to thank all of the other nominees, because if you hadn't all been noticeably so much worse than me, I never would have won this award."

Insurance Company Advertising Chameleon Mascot?

We all know that Geico has a gecko lizard shilling for them in their ad campaigns. But is a gecko really the best species of lizard mascot for insurance companies? It seems to me that a chameleon would be a far more appropriate lizard for an insurance company mascot, because it would be normally visible when making the sales pitch and when collecting the premiums, but whenever one of their clients had a claim that needed to be paid, the insurance chameleon could disappear into the background by changing its skin color to blend into its surroundings. That way, they could always collect the money, but they wouldn't have to pay much of it back out. And wouldn't that be what an insurance company would really, realistically, want the most? Well, maybe it wouldn't work as well for marketing the company to have a chameleon mascot, but it sure would be a far more honest depiction of the dynamic of the company, wouldn't it? (And actually, most people probably wouldn't know a chameleon from a gecko anyway, so what's the difference? We wouldn't even know it was a chameleon until we needed a claim paid and it disappeared. {"Hey, where'd it go?"})

(BTW: This is just a silly joke about insurance companies, and not an intentional targeting of Geico. It's only because they have the lizard mascot that I thought of the chameleon. But as I have reported before many times here on this blog, I have thus far had nothing but positive experiences with Geico, and hopefully everybody else will too. So I like Geico. But not all the other insurance companies are so helpful.)

Black Sabbath Tops the Charts Again (!)

(A not joke piece for a change.)

Hey, Black Sabbath, perhaps my first love in music, has topped the American charts again, reportedly knocking Queens of the Stone Ago off the #1 position of the Billboard 200 album chart. Well, nobody likes getting beaten I'm sure, but I'd be willing to bet any band with any hardness whatsoever would feel honored to be knocked off the top spot by Black Sabbath. Hardly any hard music would exist without them, at least not in its current form.

Someone I know commented that it's funny to see this story in the Christian Science Monitor, but I would point out that Black Sabbath was a fire & brimstone preacher band before they were a Satan band: people misunderstood their early message, so they changed to please fans who didn't get it. I think I remember one of them saying in some documentary years ago something like: "Hey, if that's what the people want, we'll give it to them."

Here's the blasted old story:

http://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/Latest-News-Wires/2013/0625/Black-Sabbath-tops-US-charts-for-first-time-in-four-decades

And here's one from NBC (Netherworld Beelzebub Cacophony) News:

http://www.nbcnews.com/entertainment/black-sabbath-thanks-fans-first-chart-topping-album-6C10441573

A-Rod to Hire Ghost Tweeter for Rehab Updates

After getting his head bitten off by Yankees GM Brian Cashman, A-Rod says he's going to hire a ghost tweeter to tweet updates about his fitness to his Twitter followers, because you know, that would adhere to the literal interpretation of what Cashman said to do. Plus, whenever Cashman asks what the hell's going on with the ghost tweeter, A-Rod will simply sit in stoic silence, holding up a piece of paper that says: "You told me to shut the f*ck up, so I am. Happy Now?"

Here's the haunting hissy fit story:

http://deadspin.com/brian-cashman-a-rod-should-just-shut-the-fuck-up-579982008

Jesus Asks Nik Wallenda to Leave Him Alone

There are an astronomical number of people who need to be helped every day by Jesus, but on Sunday, aerialist Nik Wallenda walked a tightrope across the Grand Canyon, amazing viewers, but also nagging Jesus the whole way. Well, countless others requiring Jesus's intervention were almost needlessly killed Sunday when Mr. Wallenda, seeking to hog Jesus's attention all for himself, distracted Jesus from what He was trying to do just enough to throw Him off His game. "That guy better leave me alone for a while if he knows what's good for him", commented Jesus Sunday night, speaking through His usual televangelist mouthpiece Pat Robertson: "I mean, he places himself in danger, and then he's trying to cut in line ahead of everybody else who needs help? What a jerk. Now I know how it feels to be that guy who's mad at Me because he dropped that touchdown pass. But fortunately, I saved it, no thanks to him." But, Robertson claims, this is indeed, if ever, an example of the squeaky soul getting the redemption.

Here's the tightrope-walking story:

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57590641/nik-wallenda-completes-tightrope-walk-across-gorge-near-grand-canyon/

(Just kidding! It was surely impressive, but it was a bit naggy with the Jesus intervention requests, don't you think?)

The Makeup of the Jury

The news was talking about some trial, and some analyst mentioned the makeup of the jury being important, and I immediately imagined a jury of the bands KISS, GWAR, and Slipknot. They wear makeup: is that what he meant? I guess the makeup is to "scare the defendant straight"; it's the only thing that makes sense with this idea.

This is probably who's on the jury that guy was talking about:

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu7mz4jqji1r28kq6o1_500.jpg

http://frequency.blogs.bendbulletin.com/files/2010/11/Gwar2.png

http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/61431127/Slipknot+02.jpg

Missing Millions at the JFK Airport

CNN is reporting that there has been a daring airport heist of millions. It's a funny thing, because they just did a story about human remains being found at the home of the late "Jimmy the Gent" (as in the Robert De Niro character in the movie: Goodfellas), who allegedly whacked a bunch of associates involved in the JFK Airport Lufthansa heist. Hmm, you don't suppose that that report, reminding everyone of the Lefthansa heist, made some criminals think: "Hey, nobody's tried a JFK Airport heist in a while; maybe now's a good time to try it again?"

What do you think? Does it sound plausible? Or do you think, as I do, that CNN just made up that story about Jimmy the Gent so that they could stage an elaborate airport theft while "on assignment" chasing Edward Snowden around the globe? (That must be it. After all, who would suspect that CNN would be planning an airport heist? I mean, besides me. And don't their reporters seem to have an awful lot of new bling all of a sudden? {Wolf Blitzer's going to whack them for that for sure! [He said not to spend any of the money yet!] Just hearing that name tells you how vicious he must be! You don't think that's his birth name, now do you? No, Jimmy was "Jimmy the Gent", but nice-appearing Wolfgang Lohengrin, secretly a notorious, vicious gangster, earned the nickname "Wolf Blitzer" because of how he'd "blitz" his victims and tear them apart like a wolf. It's true! [Okay, maybe it's not true. But at least it's not boring, like the truth is. Because he's just a news anchor. But he probably dreams of perpetrating a daring jewel heist, don't you think? That name gives him a real uphill climb to live up to: "Wolf Blitzer". He sounds like a secret Nazi werewolf super-soldier. Maybe he is one! Aaaaa!]})

This is the Lufthansa heist, for those who haven't seen Goodfellas:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lufthansa_heist

Terminal Terminal: The Movie (The Edward Snowden Story?)

Hey, remember that movie The Terminal starring Tom Hanks, where he was stuck at the airport terminal for months and months due to some passport/immigration hitch? Well, NSA leaker Edward Snowden is, according to CNN, holed up in a Moscow airport, not knowing where to go next. And if the White House is successful, he may not be able to go anywhere else, either. And so maybe Hollywood can make a new movie version of The Terminal, but a political espionage thriller this time, called: Terminal Terminal. And in this movie, Edward Snowden would be stuck having nowhere to go, so he has to live for the rest of his life in the Moscow airport terminal. Oh, but it's no fun and games this time, for in this movie, everyone is trying to kill or capture him (!): the CIA, the KGB, the FBI, and all that alphabet soup's-worth of investigative/intelligence agencies worldwide. And so Snowden would have to live by his wits to stay a step ahead of everyone else who's trying to nab, arrest, interrogate or kill him by hiding in the different shops and restaurants in the airport and disguising himself to foil his potential captors/killers. Like, for example, he might get two Cinnabon cinnamon buns, stick them onto his hair with hairpins he finds on the ground, and steal a white tablecloth to wear as a robe, and act like a Star Wars fan dressed-up as Princess Leia on the way to some sci-fi convention somewhere; or maybe he could steal someone's red lipstick and face makeup and make himself up to look like Ronald McDonald, with some yellow spray paint and some pilfered jodhpurs to make into a costume, and he might even be able to escape on a corporate McDonald's jet, or hire himself out to some kid's birthday party and somehow escape from there. And meanwhile, there will be espionage agents from America and other foreign governments who've had plastic surgery and dyed their hair white to make themselves look like Wikileaks mastermind Julian Assange, and while trying to find Snowden and trick him into going with them to "a safe house", they'll all bump into each other and, angry that they're all copying each other and spoiling each other's plans, they'll get into a brutal spy fight to the death of like a dozen or so Julain Assange look-alikes. It will be hour and a halfs of fun for the whole family of international intelligence agencies worldwide to enjoy! That's Terminal Terminal: coming soon to a detention facility near you!

Corporate Polluter Pro-Pollution PR Strategy

If companies are going to get in trouble for polluting, that's not going to be good for business, so they're going to have to figure out a way to defend pollution to save their bottom lines. So here's how they might go about defending the toxic chemicals they pollute into the environment, especially the ones that are elements: carbon, mercury, lead, arsenic, etc. (They'll simply treat all pollutants as elements and skirt the issue of the others that aren't: then it's just a lie of omission.)

"Restrictions on hazardous elements amount to discrimination! These elements cannot help what their intrinsic qualities and environmental effects are any more than animals can, and holding these things against them is clearly unethical. Hey, man: save the hazardous polluting elements!"

That ought to work. Don't you think?

Pollutey the Poisonman

President Obama said today he'd work with anyone on climate change. And I said: "Really? Even Pollutey the Poisonman?" Well, if you don't know, Pollutey the Poisonman is a real character (I made up) who, while not actually "real", represents the spirit of the current pollution environment situation, just like Frosty the Snowman represents the spirit of Christmas. And so here's a proposed song for the probably-not-upcoming cartoon TV special for children about Pollutey the Poisonman (after all, the kids ought to all know who Pollutey is, because they're the ones who will have to live in the world polluted by his handiwork when they grow up and have kids of their own; but it's yucky and depressing, so nobody will make the show, I'll bet):

(Sort of) To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman":

Pollutey the Poisonman loves to poison everything,
He poisons people when they go outside in the Winter, Fall, Summer and Spring.

He always just digs holes to pour his toxic slop in,
And he hires lobbying whores so the EPA can't catch nor stop him.

Pollutey the Poisonman gets away with everything,
Lots of money to politician friends makes sure no crimes can him sting.

New (Proposed) E-Trade Ad Campaign: The E-Trade Parents

We all know the E-Trade baby, and everybody seems to love those ads. But aren't they getting a bit stale? I mean, even when they have new ads with other babies, it's still babies with tablets and smartphones talking like adults about investing with E-Trade. And they're fun, but why not mix it up a bit just to keep it interesting and so people don't get sick of it?

So here's my idea for a new take on this E-Trade baby campaign: The E-Trade parents. We all know the E-Trade baby and what he's like, but how did he get this way? Why, obviously he inherited it from his parents! And so I would propose that E-Trade make a new series of ads based upon the E-Trade baby's parents, beginning with the E-Trade father.

This E-Trade father ad would essentially combine the E-Trade baby with How I Met Your Mother in concept, showing the baby's future father as a thirty-something successful professional in New York City, dating lots of different women, while being a mover & a shaker in his career. And like so many people do these days, our hero, the future dad of the E-Trade baby, likes to play with his iPhone, checking on his investments with the E-Trade iPhone app, even on dates. Well, some women might be annoyed if he appeared to be ignoring them from time-to-time on a date by playing with his iPhone, but it happens that he's on a date with an extremely attractive woman who also happens to recognize that what he's doing is checking up on his investments with E-Trade. And she can't help but notice that his investment portfolio is going up and up and up, and so she takes this as a sign that they were meant to be together, because what do you know but she also loves checking her investments on her E-Trade iPhone app! And so they get married and have the E-Trade baby, and he's just the same way, loving playing the stock market on mobile devices with E-Trade.

And for even more fun, the ad could have a longer web version people can come watch if they like the TV version, and this one would begin in a similar fashion to How I Met Your Mother, with a kid asking about how his father met his mother. And so it would begin with a new E-Trade baby playing with her E-Trade iPhone app on her iPhone in her crib at night after her bedtime, covered by her nightlight so her parents don't notice, and then the camera swings up and out of the room, down the hall, and through a cracked doorway to show a young boy of about six years-old being put to bed, and he asks his father, whose turn it is to put the kids to bed, how he met his mother. And so the E-Trade father ("the E-Trade baby daddy"?) tells his young son, the (purported) former E-Trade baby from earlier commercials, about how he was working and dating in the city, and he dated a number of women, and some of them didn't understand why he wanted to check up on his investments on his smartphone with the E-Trade iPhone app (that lets you manage your portfolio remotely from wherever you are, and can be customized into whatever window works best for you, yadda yadda...), until one day he met his mother and found a way to ask her out on a date when he saw her E-Trade investment monitor screen on her iPad while she was doing something else, like sitting at the fountain at Lincoln Center during lunchtime, or sitting on a bench at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or something like that. And so when they went to dinner together, he reflexively checked his investment portpolio on his iPhone, she noticed, found that they shared an interest in investing and such, and seeing him to be a serious and capable man with a solid and secure financial future, she decided he was "the one", and he felt the same way too, and so after a few more dates, he "put her to the question", um, I mean, he "popped the question", she said "yes", and they got married, shortly thereafter producing the now-famous E-Trade baby, replete with inbred investment savvy and a penchant for using E-Trade, the cutest and most warm and family-friendly platform for investing for your financial future!

And then, after the E-Trade father ad, they would make the E-Trade mother ad, showing us more background on the mother of the E-Trade baby, and what her side of the story is on how she met her husband. And then we could follow the E-Trade baby's parents' courtship, see the E-Trade baby's parents' wedding (and maybe even the bachelor and bachelorette parties, with both the fiancé and the fiancée ignoring the strippers their friends are drooling over because they're busy planning for their financial future on E-Trade with their iPhone apps {which even let you manage your portfolio from strip clubs and such, because after all, they're going to have a family to support, and so investment strategies are key for their future stability and prosperity!}), follow the E-Trade baby pregnancy (through Lamaze classes and the E-Trade Baby Shower, as well as the designing of the E-Trade baby's nursery and the selection of the crib, etc.), and finally make it to the big event: the E-Trade baby's birth, where the husband is so nervous that he even leaves both his iPad and his iPhone at home (and even maybe backs over one of them with his car in his spastic nervousness), and so he even has to borrow his wife's iPad at the hospital to give him a way to pass the over-anxious time at the hospital during the E-Trade baby's mother's labor, and then, after the birth, we see the E-Trade baby-mama holding her beautiful new baby boy in one arm and kissing it, while checking her investment portfolio on her iPhone in her other hand (and we see the newborn baby reach over and grasp the iPhone, as babies do with fingers and small things, and the mother and father see this, look at each other, and smile, because they can tell that the baby is going to inherit their passion for investing with E-Trade and become a successful investor).

See what I mean? And once this whole ad series from this campaign I'm proposing is complete, E-Trade can go back to their proven E-Trade baby ads, and I think people may even have a renewed interest beyond the cuteness factor, because now we'd all have a backstory for the baby, and we'd know him better (as well as his younger sister, who is now the new E-Trade baby, breaking the glass ceiling for E-Trade baby ad main characters), and then we could see him as the E-Trade toddler, or the E-Trade Nursery School kid. (Little kids are really cute too, not just babies, you know, E-Trade.) And through this proposed family expansion ad campaign, E-Trade could become the best-loved investment tool for the whole family, and not just for babies, who apparently are 98% of the E-Trade users currently. (Or maybe E-Trade wants an infant-only clientele, because they can be more easily tricked with fine print clauses? Nah, the truth is, babies have better eyesight than anyone, so they'd immediately notice if there was any funny stuff in the fine print section. And that's, I guess, the entire genesis for the E-Trade Baby ads to begin with: once we see the baby, we'll understand that this financial company couldn't possibly put one over on a baby, who would cry incessantly and get the company charged with child abuse if they got caught trying to defraud a baby, and so we'll know they're on the up & up! Or at least, I think that was the idea, right? {Just kidding. The baby's just cute.})

Jos. A. Bank "Cheap Suit" Ad (Proposed)

Joseph A. Bank is a company that makes business and business casual attire for men, and they're constantly running ads on TV for their stuff. But ever since the financial crash and the great recession, their ads have started sounding a bit more desperate as time goes on, with deals like: "Buy one suit, get two free!", etc. Well, they could take a different approach to this issue of reduced prices with a new ad campaign that, rather than sounding desperate, made it seem more desirable to buy things from them, like so:

Over video of handsome men wearing their suits and casual wear being hugged and kissed by beautiful model-looking women, the announcer says: "Come on down to Joseph A. Bank: they'll be all over you like a cheap suit when they see you in an inexpensive, quality suit from Joseph A. Bank! Our suits are premium, top quality, and our casual wear the most well-made you will find anywhere, but now at prices you'll love. So come on down to Joseph A. Bank, and get great clothes all over you like a top-quality suit!"

Here's the Jos. A. Bank website:

http://www.josbank.com/menswear/shop/Home_11001_10050

Volvo Heartbeat Detection Feature Ad

Oh my God: there are murderers waiting for all of us in our cars! Aaaaa! But thankfully, at least one (and I guess only one) car company cares if we're murdered or not: Volvo. (Yes, I guess all the other car companies send assassins to kill us in our new cars, which they have extra copies of the keys for, and they have us all killed so they can sell our cars to someone else as "certified pre-owned" cars: that's how they know it's a reliable car: it's really brand new, so they don't even need to bother checking it or doing any maintenance on it!) And so Volvo has some little detection device on their key fob remote that will let you know if it detects a heartbeat in your car when it's supposed to be empty, so as to protect you from this dastardly scheme by so many car companies and (presumably) dealerships.

Oh, but with everyone always trying to hide in our cars and kill us all the time, why don't they at least give us something to fight back with? Do they want us to be defenseless? I mean, how about a button on the remote that lets you release some poison gas to kill whomever is waiting in your car for you to come back so they can kill you? That way we can have our revenge on these maniacs! Oh, whoops: you forgot you left your dog or kids in the car? Oh, well: you can always just adopt new ones. In fact, maybe that's what these "there's a madman in your car waiting to kill you" ads are all about: getting us all so paranoid that we'll end up accidentally killing our friends, family and pets in a panic of reflexive self-defense so that we'll adopt new ones. And so I guess Volvo must also run some sort of adoption service as well, and that's how they make their extra money, rather than assassinating their clients for the certified pre-owned program, like all other car companies are always doing. (Just kidding: they're only doing it most of the time: Mwa ha ha!)

Here's the slaughter-saving sensor spot with the dastardly deed deterring device demo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUsg8R2DVj4

(Of course, this is just a sick & twisted silly joke, because not that many people are really going to try to kill you in your car. At least not today. Or I don't think so; but let me check. {You're not doing that to them today, are you, Victor?} No, you're safe; at least for now...)

Joe Biden, in Mickey Mouse Costume, Sings "It's a Small World (After All)" to Edward Snowden

United States Vice President Joseph Biden, proving once again that he puts the "crazy" in "crazy like a fox", dressed up in a Mickey Mouse costume for a personal internet message to NSA leaker Edward Snowden, singing a new, personalized version of the Disney song: "It's a Small World (After All)". The song is believed to be criticizing or indeed perhaps even taunting and tormenting the man who revealed such embarrassing secrets about American surveillance programs at home and abroad, and who is currently on the run from American authorities. Right-to-know information groups, including Wikileaks, and human rights groups slammed the song, claiming it was intended to humiliate and intimidate Snowden, and as such is a form of mental torture. But Biden supporters have hastened to point out that with Joe Biden, you never know why the hell he might be doing something fatuous and/or ill-advised, adding: "Hey, it's crazy Joe: maybe he's just trying to inject some levity into this young man's horrifying ordeal; you never know! You can't automatically assume you know what his motives are, as he is not like other men who put their pants on one-leg-at-a-time in the morning, for Vice President Biden gets up and just somehow all-of-a-sudden has pants on." And it's this, they claim, which makes Mr. Biden so likable and effective as a leader.

Here are the lyrics to VP Biden's personalized version of the song sent to Snowden:

It's a world of terror, a world of fears,
When you mess with us, it will end in tears,
Try to run, hide your trail, but we're right on your tail,
It's a small world after all.

It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all,
It's a small world after all,
It's a small, small world.

Jack Daniel's NSA Christmas Party (Joke) Ad

In this joke ad for Jack Daniel's Tennessee sour mash whiskey, we see a bunch of NSA surveillance personnel at a Christmas party, and they're all drinking and hammered, laughing about invading people's privacy and saying if everyone knew what they knew about everybody, nobody would have any friends, jobs, marriages, parental rights, etc. And then they all start hooking up and making out under the mistletoe, and the announcer says: "Jack Daniel's: We put the booze in Booz Allen Hamilton!"

Friskies "Pussycat Riot" Punk Rock Protest Cat Food Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this joke/proposed ad for Friskies cat food, colorful cats (a calico, a tabby, and an orange tabby, or a white, a blue, and an orange cat) wearing brightly-colored balaclavas on their heads (added in CGI: cats really don't like wearing stuff like that, so CGI, please; or else just maybe cartoon cats) protest their yucky-tasting cat food with a punk rock song sung on the kitchen table during the family's breakfast. So the father says to the kids: "I guess they really don't like their cat food, huh? I think we'd better get them Friskies."

Here are some possible lyrics for the punk rock protest song (To the tune of "Putin Zassal"):

We can't stand this cat food it's so gross,
Friskies is the brand we really want the most,
If you want us always to be so soft and sweet,
Then you have to go get us something good to eat!

Food Friskies: They taste so yummy!
Food Friskies: We want it in our tummy!
Food Friskies: You better go and buy it!
Good Kitties: Riot! Riot!

Please go and get us some,
It makes us all say: "Yum, yum!"
We want a big bowl of it,
What you feed us tastes like (bleep)!

(BTW: I love Pussy Riot, so no offense to them, I hope. I'm sure they hate for-profit advertising, especially when it's ripping off their shtick, but I would hasten to point out that anything that references them at all, be it an ad, a supporting or condemning news report, or anyone covering their songs or copping their look, would remind everyone of Pussy Riot and help spread their message. But I'm pretty sure they know that already.)

Here's a link to that Pussy Riot song "Putin Zassal" (The ad song would use the part of the song here from 0:20 to 0:50 in this video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Momp_86eb1E

Oh, and Pussy Riot would have to get paid royalties for this if someone made this ad.

Depend Adult Diapers NSA Leaks (Joke) Ad

In this joke ad for Depend adult diapers, or those pads for men, an NSA surveillance guy is reading people's emails on his computer as he's listening to people's phone calls on headphones, and then he stops, takes off his headphones, turns to the camera and says: "Hi. I work for the NSA listening to the phone calls of suspected terrorists and reading everyone's emails. It's very important, exacting work. But sometimes I get that urgent need to go to the bathroom while tracking important calls. Well, I can't just drop those calls when nature calls, so I wear Depend undergarments! It allows me to keep looking into all your crap even while taking a crap in my own pants! And it stops 'leaks' in the NSA for good! That's Depend undergarments: keeping you secure since 1984! Oh, oops: please don't think about 1984!" (<Oddly, Depends really were actually introduced in 1984 {!!). Oh, the irony!)

Darth Vader & Borg Sleep Apnea Mask Ad, Bane Sleep Apnea Mask Ad (Joke/Proposed)

I see ads saying that sleep apnea masks are uncomfortable, but they're also kind of scary looking. So I thought that perhaps for a new design that's not quite as Borg-like in appearance, they could have an ad that shows some woman lying in bed, and she hears heavy breathing next to her, and she looks over, and it's Darth Vader from Star Wars (!). And he says: "Oh, sorry, my sleep apnea masks is kind of scary, huh?" And he takes off the Darth Vader mask, and it's just some normal-looking guy, who ends up being her husband. So then he gets the new sleep apnea mask, and he looks far more normal in it, and so that next night, his wife looks at her husband in bed sleeping, and she says: "Whew! At least there's nothing scary in bed tonight", at which point she goes into the bathroom to brush her teeth, and a Borg (one of those cyborg alien villains from Star Trek) is in there, and as he begins to say: "Resistence is futile", she interrupts him and says (because he has some awkward-looking breathing apparatus over his mouth, like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises): "Oh, sleep apnea too? You should get the (whatever it's called) mask." And the Borg guy looks back at her with a confused look on his half-human face.

Oh, and speaking of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, wouldn't it be fun for him to be in an ad about a sleep apnea mask, and have like maybe his girlfriend say that Bane was a nice guy until he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and started having to wear that annoying mask, and that it's so uncomfortable, it made him into a super villain swearing vengeance upon society. Oh, but it's okay now, because she just got him the new (whatever brand) sleep apnea mask. And so she calls him over, and he's saying all this stuff about destroying society and that he's a necessary evil, etc., in that wonky Bane voice, and she says: "Hi, honey. I got you the new sleep apnea mask." And so he takes off the Bane mask, speaks in a normal voice, saying: "Thanks, honey!" And then he tries it on, after which she asks him: "Still feel like destroying society?" And he shakes his head and goes to bed.

Men's Wearhouse "Tie Raid" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

In this silly joke/proposed ad for Men's Wearhouse (They just severed their ties with their founder's advertising services, so maybe they'd like a different advertising approach? Well, this would certainly be different than their previous ad campaign stuff!), a bunch of sorority girls go on a "tie raid" of a fraternity house full of handsome college men who hold a lot of promise to go on to successful careers after college (kind of like a female version of a panty raid: men are obsessed with sex stuff, and women are more interested in success and power; or at least in a general sense, that's how men & women are portrayed in the media). And so the sorority women run in and stealthily sack the guys' closets while they're sleeping, and make off with a bunch of really nice-looking ties, which they admire and show off to one another once they get back to their sorority house, bragging that they can tell who's going to be the most successful of all the college guys based on their ties. And then the announcer says that guys who get their ties at Men's Wearhouse will really be dressed for success, and it will get them there.

A Rest Area Named for Someone

I saw a show from last night where people were discussing some famous person who purportedly acted in controversial ways to produce success, but who was so well-loved and successful that he had a rest area named after him. But that immediately made me wonder: is it really an honor to have a rest area named after someone? I mean, what do you do at a rest area? Well, mostly you go to the bathroom. (Some rest areas also permit the visitor to purchase supposedly unhealthy fast food that will reportedly kill them.) So when someone has a rest area named after them, isn't that basically saying they deserve to have everyone pee and poop on them all the time? I mean, when you think about what a rest area really is for, that's basically what message is being conveyed by naming the rest area after someone, isn't it? So maybe it would be more appropriate to have things like the Boss Tweed Rest Area, rather than a rest area to commemorate some well-loved statesman?

This is Boss Tweed, for those of you who don't know (He was basically a political version of Bernie Madoff, stealing tens of millions of 1800s-value dollars from his NYC constituency):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_M._Tweed

(Oh, and incidentally, Boss Tweed was brought down largely due to the efforts of a Harper's Weekly political cartoonist named Thomas Nast, whose icky-looking depictions of political corruption was the genesis for coining the word/term "nasty", proving once again that the pen really is mightier than the sword when in incorruptible, talented and determined hands.)

(BTW: Wikipedia claims the word "nasty" existed before Thomas Nast, having come from French and Dutch sources hundreds of years prior to his birth; but isn't that just what something like Wikipedia, who obviously permits Boss Tweed's vengeful ghost to attempt to trivialize Thomas Nast's legacy from beyond the grave, would try to say? {Those fibbers.})

A Snowden Globe

The NSA leaker, Edward Snowden, has left Hong Kong, seeking political asylum in some other, undisclosed country. But the world has become quite a bit smaller for Snowden lately after having disclosed lots of embarrassing (but pretty much obvious) information about U.S. surveillance programs. So this made me think of a new globe, containing only the countries left that are safe or welcoming for him to go, which would be called a "Snowden Globe". And whenever anyone is thinking of leaking copious quantities of classified information, they might want to first study the "Snowden Globe" to try to figure out where to go afterwards.

Political Asylum

That NSA leaker guy Edward Snowden left Hong Kong (and a heartbroken King Kong) for Moscow today. Wikileaks people said he was seeking political asylum in another country. But that expression, "political asylum", always makes me think of something else. Because isn't an asylum where they keep crazy people? (At least, that's what it's become understood to mean.)

So whenever I hear the term "political asylum", I think of a place where they keep all the crazy politicians like Lyndon Larouche, Michele Bachmann, Rod Blagojevich, etc. And then I wonder why anybody would want to get sent there. Maybe they get politically brainwashed there, and it's not even the people's fault what they're like, because it's the asylum that abducts them and lobotomizes them, uses shock treatment, brainwashes and re-educates them into acting the way they do. And if that's the case, then I wouldn't think Mr. Snowden would want to go there at all. (Maybe he has an unwelcome surprise waiting for him there?)

KFC Cow Transport "Stop Clowning Around" Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Well, Chick-fil-A has their "Eat Mor Chikin" ad, where cows are trying to encourage people to eat more chicken and oppose gay rights, but how about something similar for another chicken restaurant chain, but without all the anti-gay stuff? Well, how about this idea for KFC:

Cows are being transported in a truck, and as they drive along slowly down a boulevard somewhere, they pass a McDonald's (or a knock-off, for legal reasons). And as they pass said McDonald's, they all notice a sculpture of the clown mascot in front of the restaurant, and one cow says to the others: "Clowns always creep me out." And another cow says: "Yeah, they scare me too, but I don't know why." And then we cut to a KFC restaurant interior, and the announcer says: "There's no clowning around at KFC for our (whatever) chicken meal! It's only (however much) at participating locations! So come on by and stop clowning around!"

(This might also make a good internet or print ad for PeTA. {I have made fun of them plenty of times on this blog, so I kind of feel like I owe them something.} The picture would show cows looking through the slots in the side of the truck transporting them at the statue of Ronald McDonald in front of a McDonald's, and the statements they make about being creeped out by clowns and being scared of them but not knowing why would be superimposed over the picture as comic-strip style speech balloons. Then PeTA could have a blurb of text underneath the picture to make whatever hostile remarks about McDonald's they'd like to with regard to why the cows might have good reason to fear a clown.)

"Fly Like an Eagle" Cat Adoption Ad Song

Recently I played around with the Steve Miller Band's song "Fly Like an Eagle" for a joke ad. But that got the song bouncing around in my head again, and then, since I'm cat sitting, I started making up new words to sing to the kitties, so I thought a small part might work well for a cat adoption service or animal shelter, like so:

(To the tune of "Fly Like an Eagle" by the Steve Miller Band, the post-chorus verse)

Feed the kitties who don't have enough to eat,
Help the kitties living in the street,
Adopt the kitties 'cause they're so cute and sweet,
O-oh there's a solution...

Cruise Ship Vacancies (Internet Ad)

Yahoo! now has ads interspersed within their news story headlines, and one of them I saw today said: "How Cruise Ships Fill Their Unsold Cabins". Hey, I thought they filled them with sewage! (Ba dum bum, psst!)

(It said it was placed by AdChoices. Hmm, it must have been from my previous blog post making fun of the Carnival Cruise sewage ship with a theme song I wrote for a {fictitious} TV show called The Sh!t Ship, based on the theme song to the old TV show The Love Boat.)

Here's my earlier post about The Sh!t Ship:

http://unconditionedresponse.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-sht-ship-new-tv-show.html

Crest Whitestrips White Power (Joke) Ad

Crest Whitestrips have powerful whitening agents in them to, um... Hey, what does this remind me of? Oh, I know; it's white supremacy. Hmm, I wonder why they never use this in their advertising? (Just kidding.) But hey, what if they made it into a joke, like this idea:

A group of skinheads who appear to be white supremacists wearing t-shirts which say: "White Power" congregate on the street in a major city and all begin chanting: "White power, white power, white power!" A woman witnessing this stops a man walking down the sidewalk and asks: "Oh my, is this a racist demonstration?" And the man says: "Oh, no: these guys are just celebrating the whitening power of Crest Whitestrips! They make your teeth the absolute whitest they can be!" Then the group of skinheads stops chanting and they all smile a big toothy grin simultaneously at everyone, showing their gleaming, absolute white teeth that exude an otherworldly glow of pure white light. Then they go back to chanting: "White power, white power, white power!" Then the announcer says: "Crest Whitestrips have the white power to give your teeth white supremacy!" Then we see a product shot showing the Crest Whitestrips and the slogan: "Crest Whitestrips: For Tooth-White Supremacy."

Well, it sure would get everyone's attention, right? But probably not in a good way, huh? Kind of like those Ford print ads from India showing Italian president Silvio Berlusconi with women tied up in his trunk. And that's why this ad idea is a joke: because nobody would seriously do this sort of thing as an ad for this product. (Or would they maybe try it?)

Here's that unapproved Silvio Berlusconi Ford print ad from India that got people in trouble:

http://www.everyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/silvio-berlusconi-ford-figo-ad.jpg