The Dark Knight Plus-Sizes?

I am watching The Dark Knight Rises tonight, and I must say, it’s a great movie! Wow, I was expecting to be like: “Another Batman movie? Whatever.” But it really is compelling.

The only part of this movie that falls flat for me (aside from the silly ending of The Dark Knight, where they blame Batman for the murder of Harvey Dent, rather than just say the Joker’s henchmen did it) is that we’re supposed to believe it’s been years since the last chapter, and he can still come back wearing the same stuff. Look, I was still nice and slim a few years ago, but now I have a beer belly (just in time for a new poll of women to claim slim guys are the hottest: just my luck!), and I don’t believe this scenario where Batman can just get back into his old costume! Where are all the scenes of him trying to squeeze back into his old body armor and not fitting, or showing his big fat tummy hanging out the bottom of his Batman costume shirt while his utility belt hangs on for dear life, asking Alfred what happened? (Alfred could say: “Perhaps you shouldn’t have drank so much champagne and eaten all that rich restaurant food, or sat around the house for so long, sir…”) Then the movie could have been called: The Dark Knight Gains!

No, for this movie to be realistic, Alfred would have had to order that Nutrisystems diet plan, only to be countermanded by Bruce Wayne, claiming everyone would know he was the Batman if he got all skinny all of a sudden. So then Bruce Wayne goes to get liposuction and erases the doctor’s memory afterwards, while always wearing a fat suit as Bruce Wayne in public. (Or maybe he could use the Nutrisystems diet plan to lose weight, and that could be a lucrative product placement deal to help pay for the movie, as well as having Batman be an endorsing spokesman for Nutrisystems in television commercials afterwards!)

Now that would have been more realistic! Or how about Bruce Wayne getting busted for steroids and HGH? That would have added another element of contemporaneous plot into this otherwise wonderfully zeigeisty movie experience.

Oh, and for that Batman voice, shouldn’t he have to wear one of those toy Darth Vader masks with the voice enhancement? Then nobody would take him seriously, so they’d underestimate him, and he could win more easily (now that he’s all old and stuff).

Oh, well: maybe they can work these ideas into the next movie: The Dark Knight Slims!

(Okay, there are other problems with this movie too, but please don't get mad at me for revealing them.

First off, apart from the earlier issue I mentioned, couldn't Bruce Wayne simply say he never authorized the trades, and wouldn't the fact that someone broke in to the NYSE prove he didn't do it? {So shouldn't there have been some super-secret cyber-hacking scene from a remote location?} But I suppose that cyber crime isn't very interesting cinematically, so they have to have a big heist scene. {I have an old joke sketch about a cyber crime movie, with a bad guy and a good guy just typing on their computers, and action movie music playing the whole time, because it really is boring to watch hacking in progress, since it's just someone sitting at a computer and typing: that's why they had all those silly graphics in the movie Hackers.}

Oh, and does this movie have a Bush-era anti-French bias? I mean, come on: Marion Cotillard is French, and she turns out to be the bad guy gal. So doesn't this continue the anti-France sentiment started during the Iraq War? {I knew it!} And clearly Bruce Wayne would rather be with a back-stabbing thief than a French person: so it's obvious what the subtext of this movie is, right? {Take that, France! If only you'd been more polite to American tourists! You never know which one might be Batman, or any number of other American superheroes!} [Just kidding: I love France!])

Apocalypse Preparation: Heaven Loophole for the Rich

Yes, the end of the world is nigh (if you believe the Maya), and that means we all must prepare, because Jesus will judge us all soon (a little-known part of the Mayan prophecy). And you know what that means: We all must figure out why we ought to be saved, so we can argue our case. Now, I’m probably out of luck, but I do have some advice for the wealthy among us. As you all will recall, Jesus said it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. But that leaves a bit of wiggle-room for the creative rich person to find a loophole; and never fear, I’m here to help!

First off, Jesus didn’t say how big the needle could be, nor did He specify how old the camel had to be. So if you’re rich enough, maybe you could have some huge Claes Oldenburg needle made, and you could get a baby camel, and lube it up well so it will easily pass through the eye of the needle. (Or maybe a small plastic or stuffed camel will do.) I’m sure once Jesus sees this type of ingenuity, He’ll be sure to let you into heaven, no sweat.

And this works way better than giving all your money away, because that will just damn others to the lake of fire for being rich, and you’ll be held responsible. And don’t worry, there’s plenty of time to make that big needle; that’s why I’m telling you about it now: so you’ll have lots of time to finish it. (But remember, you have to put in a good word for me for thinking it up! {Oh, and if the apocalypse doesn’t happen, you’ll still have most of your money left, plus a priceless Oldenburg sculpture that will only increase in value!})

The Fox News Christmas Special

This holiday TV special is a lot like the other animated/puppet-toon children’s Christmas specials, only it highlights the impending dangers of the War on Christmas, showing us what will definitely happen if Republicans don’t win the yuletide brawl once and for all. So here’s how it goes:

Some liberal governor says everybody has to say “Happy Holidays” this year instead of “Merry Christmas”. Well, this screws up the equilibrium in holiday cheer, so Frosty the Snowman comes to try to save the Christmas greeting. Oh, but once Frosty shows up, he is immediately ambushed by the ACLU with a snow blower: It was a trap all along! And with Frosty destroyed, Santa Claus arrives to save the day and bring Frosty back, just like in Frosty’s Christmas special.

Oh, but when Santa arrives, he is arrested by Eric Holder, who claims Santa is exclusionary and bigoted against non-Christians, and that giving free stuff to children is the job of big government, so Santa gets sent to Supermax prison on trumped up charges of terrorism, claiming he was caught trying to sneak down the CIA’s chimney with a “suspicious package”. (Actually, strike that: Santa gets sent to Gitmo, while all the terrorists are sent to the continental U.S. and let loose on an unsuspecting public (because that’s what they wished for for Christmas, and Santa granted their wishes due to his treatment, and all because Democrats so hate Christmas).

Well, when Santa Claus is absent on Christmas, to try not to disappoint the children, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer tries to deliver the presents with the other reindeer by themselves; but sadly, a bunch of Democrats secretly dressed-up as gun-nut hunters pretend to mistake Santa’s reindeer for regular deer, shoot them, and eat them as venison for Christmas dinner, allowing the Obama administration to use this as an excuse to ban guns permanently! And with the last vestiges of authentic Christmas characters gone, the liberal Democrats, headed by President Obama, appoint a Santa Stalin, who looks like Karl Marx in a Santa Suit, and he always gives the same present to every child in the name of equality, regardless of whether they have been bad or good.

Oh, but this causes the children who had been good to rebel against the unfairness of it all, imposed by an unfeeling bureaucratic big government, so they all become terrorists and carry out suicide attacks on toy stores throughout the land, causing the final clampdown on Christmas, banning it once and for all! And Democrats in Congress make King Diamond’s “No Presents for Christmas” the new mandatory official “winter holiday” song. And seeing all this stuff from heaven, Jesus decides not to bother with his second coming, and nobody ever gets saved or raptured, and all because you didn’t vote for Mitt Romney!

Oh, and with Santa away from the North Pole, Russia invades and starts drilling for oil, starting a new World War over drilling rights, destroying the Earth in the process, and all because the ever escalating War on Christmas waged by the liberal media wouldn’t let store greeters say “Merry Christmas”! (There: Happy now? Liberal intolerance of Christmas destroys the world and kills everyone, triggering the Mayan Apocalypse on Dec 21, just before Christmas! Oh, the humanity! Well, don’t say they didn’t try to warn you!) The End.

(I hope everybody realizes this is only a joke. But it would be an appropriate expression of the Fox News War on Christmas hysteria marketed to kids so they could panic about it too.)

The Andromeda Strain

TCM showed The Andromeda Strain again tonight, and it’s a great movie (if you’re an adult, and you have the patience for it). For me, there are so many things to love here, mostly because there are so many things to make fun of. (The display of government bureaucracy and red tape, etc., is one of the fun parts for a cynic like me.) In fact, there are so many, I’m surprised the guys who made Airplane! Never did a comedy version of The Andromeda Strain. Don’t know what I mean? Okay, I’ll enlighten you (inasmuch as I am able…).

Okay, so in The Andromeda Strain, some virus from outer space returns to Earth on some satellite, and it infects and kills everyone where it lands when it returns to Earth. So some scientists get called by the government to come and study it, and despite all their efforts, the only thing that saves humanity is the fact that the virus mutates to a non-lethal form eventually, proving how effective experts can sometimes be. (Maybe this was Michael Crichton’s payback to some experts who insulted his novels?) [Oh, I’m assuming at this point that you have seen The Andromeda Strain. If you haven’t, don’t bother reading any further, for your own good, because you won’t know what the hell I’m talking about.]

So here’s the thing about The Andromeda Strain: It would make such a great ad for things it wouldn’t want to be. Like, for example, one of the only survivors of the initial exposure to this virus only survives because he’s a “Sterno drinker”. So, wouldn’t that make a great ad for Sterno? They could say: “Sterno has so many uses! Plus, if the Earth ever gets infected with a extra-terrestrial virus, you’d be the only survivor if you drink Sterno! But you never know when that might happen, so just to be on the safe side, you’d better drink lots and lots of Sterno just in case! That’s Sterno: the savior of mankind!” (What a great product placement opportunity! I wonder how they managed it? And were there tie-in ads?)

Also, some computer company could show the slow progress they are making on studying the virus with their old computers and say: “If only they had the new (whatever computer): then they’d save humanity in a flash!” (And then maybe they could suggest that their computer company rivals would have doomed humanity with their crappy systems.)

Plus, maybe cigarette companies could say that quick, shallow breathing saved everyone from this infection, and so everyone should smoke cigarettes if they want to live, and this whole push against smoking is obviously a government plot to kill us all due to overpopulation. (You know it’s true!)

Now, look, I will admit that someone in this movie suggests that the government/military sent this stuff into outer space, and that it’s our own fault. (More “blame Earth firsters”!) But that exonerates the Martians we all know are trying to conquer us! I say we can’t take a chance: We’ve got to nuke Mars before it’s too late! (If you ever die, it will be because you didn’t listen to me right here! And as you lie on your deathbed, remember, you wouldn’t nuke Mars when we needed you to! Traitor! Buzzkill! You’re no fun!)

(I’m sorry, but I cannot possibly type all the jokes I’ve thought of tonight while watching this movie. Maybe someday someone will make a joke movie of this. But probably not.)

Bailey’s Irish Cream Dancing Ad

I have to give them kudos on this idea, although I’m sorry to say I think it could have been accomplished better. But the fact that they did it at all is great! And it would have cost a fortune to make it work better.

Many people probably don’t even know who Busby Berkeley is anymore, and I’d bet even less know who Loie Fuller is, but they’re both well represented in this spot. The only problem with making an ad for an alcoholic beverage based upon Busby Berkeley’s work is that he killed two people and injured five others in a drunk driving accident. (Source: Wikipedia, although I knew the basics already from other sources I no longer remember.) But hey: hardly anybody remembers that anymore, so what the hell, right?

But I do like this ad, and I really like what they were trying to do with it visually, especially with the nods to Loie Fuller in the long drapery: an extremely nice touch.

Here’s the Busby Berkeley Bailey’s Bash:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKOXjUAje8A

And here’s the Wikipedia page for Busby Berkeley:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Busby_Berkely

And here’s the Wikipedia page for La Loie (Loie Fuller: one of the great geniuses of entertainment history! {No joke. She invented colored lighting gels, and lots of other stuff, as well as being the toast of Paris at the Folies Bergère.}):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loie_Fuller

Southern Comfort “Whatever’s Comfortable” Ad

This new Southern Comfort commercial shows a man in an old style weenie bikini (I think: Sorry, I’m not an authority on weenie bikini styles, but it seems like I have seen this style in movies from the late ‘60s. Is that what they’re going for? Because I always found that those long swim trunks were the most comfortable for me, and everyone else, back when I was a beachgoing dude {and I was in good shape back then}.), and then it shows his drink’s mixing stick fly a flag that says: “Whatever’s Comfortable”.

I hate to say it, but this ad elicited the following response from my sister: “Oh, is this supposed to be the ‘Least Interesting Man in the World’?” (She’s referring to the Dos Equis ad campaign, obviously.) But some PSA or anti-alcoholism group could use this idea to show some alcoholic ramblings, and say alcoholism will make you into the “Least Interesting Man in the World”, playing on the famous Dos Equis campaign. (PSAs like this generally like to mock popular ads in this way.)

This is the same guy, but it’s not the same ad. You have to sign in to see the ad I’m discussing here, so I’m assuming nobody wants to do that. (Isn’t it amazing that you must sign in online to see something you can’t avoid on television?) But this is the same guy in the same bathing suit (I would have said he was fat a few years ago, but I will probably look like that soon, so I will reserve judgment upon potential hypocrisy grounds.):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTnsjDGVy2s

Jack Reacher Sequel?

As we all know, Tom Cruise is starring in the upcoming film Jack Reacher. This opens up some fun possibilities for me. You see, from what I understand, Jack Reacher is not someone you want to mess with. And Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, a group that used to use something called “fair game” to attack their critics, from what I understand. (Wikipedia has a section on their Scientology page about this.) So I thought a fun joke sequel for this movie might be for Tom Cruise to play Jack Reacher as a guy who tries to help someone who feels threatened by the Church of Scientology, and as a result, he becomes the target of their “fair game” attacks. Oh, but they just faired the wrong game! And so Jack Reacher takes down the Scientologists’ “fair game” organization in a brutal display of special effects and basdassity. (I wonder if Tom Cruise would play the character with that story line? Well, if the movie makers wanted to get rid of him for the sequel, this is one way to do it.)

P.S.: I don’t know much about Scientology; I’m just joking about what I keep reading. So please don’t “fair game” me! I’m not worth it. (And the real Jack Reacher wouldn’t like it.)

Shrieking Violet: A Peanuts Halloween Slasher Film

(Sorry, I meant to post this before Halloween, but it got lost in the shuffle somehow.)

In this animated Charlie Brown Halloween special, a costumed killer goes around killing everyone with a big kitchen knife, wearing the Swiss Cheese-looking ghost sheet costume from Charlie Brown’s appearance in It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. And in this movie, Violet is the “Final Girl”, screaming and shrieking all the way. (And, naturally, Lucy is the killer, saying she’s tired of destroying people with arguments and bullying alone, and she had hoped to blame it all on Charlie Brown, since everyone always blames him for everything anyway.)

UPS Magic Ad (Joke/Proposed)

Federal Express has their ad with the fairy tale woodland creatures, so why not have UPS claim the magical creatures demographic with a Harry Potter-style world of UPS services? They could have a phoenix and an owl delivering packages, a wizard creating business reports, and a magical quill pen designing business cards. Then, the announcer could say: “With UPS, your business and shipping needs are taken care of as if by magic!” And as a tag, the slogan could be: “We speak Parcel-Tongue!” (Parseltongue is the snake language from the Harry Potter universe.

Of course, FedEx and the US Post Office could claim that UPS is in league with the Death Eaters, since Parseltongue is the Slytherin snake language. But Harry Potter also speaks Parseltongue, so it’s not all evil. And besides, if they said that, then UPS could have Lord Voldemort send them a death curse (sent via UPS, of course).

Non-Lethal Military Drones

The use of deadly force through drones has been effective, but controversial. Many critics have slammed their use, leading the Pentagon to develop new combat drones using non-lethal force to attack America’s enemies. These drones, while not killing combatants, will demoralize them and, hopefully, remove them from the fight, using tactics developed and perfected by The Three Stooges and elementary school bullies. Here is a list of the new combat drones under development:

The “Eye Poke” Drone: This drone is about the size of a baseball glove, making it difficult to detect. Once it hones in on its target, it deploys a plastic hand and pokes the enemy in the eyes like Moe from The Three Stooges. But once this tactic becomes known to the enemy, they will undoubtedly buy Three Stooges videos and learn to counteract these attacks by placing their hand between their eyes, like Curly, thus necessitating the development of…

The “Purple Nurple” Drone: This drone is designed to hone in on enemy combatants’ nipples and grab them with a rubber-tipped wrench that twists them hard for 360 degrees. (This is the most vicious twisting permitted by human rights organizations and elementary schools.) After an attack like this, terrorists will not be able to shower with their colleagues for fear of ridicule and humiliation! Oh, but terrorists don’t bathe much, leading to the development of…

The “Butt Kick” Drone: This drone is larger and meaner than the previous drones, but packed with a super-silent engine which allows the drone to sneak up behind the enemy and kick them in the butt with a weighted, steel-toed boot. One they feel the might of this force for freedom, surely they will surrender! But just in case they don’t there’s also…

The “Wedgie” Drone: This drone is similar to the “Butt Kick” drone, but it has a robotic claw that descends to grab at the enemy’s underwear and give them a painful and humiliating wedgie! (And if the target is high-profile enough, a second robotic claw can be engaged to initiate the dreaded front & back wedgie: surely a terrorist’s worst nightmare! But they might just cheat and stop wearing underwear, leading to the contingency plan of engaging…

The “Nugie” Drone: This drone is only intended for use on high-level enemy combatants, such as commanders. It is deployed upon the identification of an enemy commander, and then it swoops down from the sky, and in front of the enemy troops, it grabs the commander by the head, and gives them a nugie. (A nugie being the fist rubbed upon the head in an uncomfortable manner.) This will not only demoralize the commander, but also their foot soldiers, showing their commander ridiculed before their very eyes.

And if none of these work, then we’ll have to use lethal force. But we’d rather not have to.

The House at the End of the Street

Ah, yes; ever since Wes Craven’s classic sicko horror film The Last House on the Left, horror filmmakers have been trying to ride the coattails of that movie and its title. There was The House at the Edge of the Park, another fun torture/rape romp for sickos (yuck!), Hitchhike: Last House on the Left, The Last House on Dead End Street, The Last House on the Beach, The House by the Edge of the Lake, The Last House in the Woods, etc. (I was always hoping for It Was Supposed to Be the Last House on the Left, but It Was the Last One on the Right, as It Turns Out, and its sequel, I Was Told It Would Be the Last House on the Left, but There Was Another House on the Left Past It, So That House Must Be a New House or Something, and I Hope All the Screaming Doesn’t Bother Them, but nobody had the foresight to make such visionary films.) But since all these movies are always about people getting killed in a house by slasher killers, why not simply call it The House at the End of the Knife? Or how about The House at the End of Your Life? That way, nobody could get confused and think it’s a movie about real estate or something.

But now that our culture has become so divided by politics, the makers of the new horror movie with the title ripped off from The Last House on the Left have decided not to take the chance of alienating or antagonizing either side of the aisle, and have opted for the elegant non-partisan-sounding solution: House on the End of the Street. Surely in an election year, it’s the only sensible thing to do! (And it sounds so much scarier than House on the Cul-de-Sac, doesn’t it?)

But if they really want to make a new slasher horror series, why not start with The House at the Beginning of the Street? Then the ads for each subsequent movie could say: “If you thought it was scary what happened at the beginning of the street, wait until you get further down…!” Or, how about The Last Unforeclosed House on the Left? (That would be a horror movie for underwater homeowners.) And they could have the slogan scream: “On a street full of foreclosures, no-one can hear you scream (because they’ve all been evicted)!”

This is House on the End of the Street, the most recent name-a-like horror movie:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/House_at_the_End_of_the_Street

Booger Nights (Joke Alka Seltzer Plus Cold Ad)

I’m sorry, but I just have to make fun of this. The movie Boogie Nights was on some cable channel again tonight, and it reminded me of how all the school kids during the Disco era used to make fun of songs with the word “boogie” in them, and say “booger” instead. So anyway, when I said “Booger Nights”, I couldn’t help but think of Alka Selzer Plus Cold and NyQuil, and what a fun, silly ad this idea would make for a NyQuil attack ad by Alka Seltzer. (Not that they’d ever want to use it.) Because the current campaign of Alka Seltzer Plus Cold points out that there is no decongestant in NyQuil. And they could use that as an excuse to say that if you use NyQuil, you will have “Booger Nights”.

So the idea is that a character from the movie Boogie Nights, or someone from the 1970s Disco era, have friends who want to go party, but they have a bad cold, and so they’re constantly blowing their nose, sneezing, etc., despite taking NyQuil. So their friends say they’re going to go out for a boogie night, but so their sick friend does not have a booger night, they give him/her Alka Seltzer Plus Cold, so they can rest and feel better. So the next night, the sickie is all better and ready to party and go boogie; unfortunately, all their friends caught the cold, so now they need the Alka Seltzer Plus Cold to prevent further booger nights for themselves.

Here is an example of the current Alka Seltzer Plus Cold ads:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGh23OFvTZg

Medusa (Joke) Shampoo Ad

Medusa is a mythological figure with snakes for hair, but she’s also a Marvel superhero. And wouldn’t it make for a great shampoo commercial to show how Medusa used to be all angry and turned people to stone because her hair was so dry that it turned into vicious snakes out of rage, and they dried out anyone who saw her until they became stone out of vengeance, since she was so embarrassed to have such unsightly hair, and she didn't want them telling anyone? Oh, but once she tried Garnier Fructis shampoo, her hair became so happy, it got super powers! So now she fights for right with her super strong, healthy hair as the Marvel Comics heroine Medusa! (And you can become a superhero too, when you use Garnier Fructis shampoo!*)

* (Offer only available to people with pre-existing super powers.)

Kraft Mac & Cheese George Macready (Joke) Ad

Yes, I know the famous character actor George Macready is no longer with us. But were he alive today, I’m sure he’d say: “I’m always Mac-ready for Kraft Mac & Cheese, because I’m George Mac-ready! In fact, I’m changing my name to George Mac’n’cheeseready just to prove it!” Then in all of his movies, he could eat Kraft Mac & Cheese to fuel up for all of his dastardly deeds, just as a special product placement for up-and-coming wannabe movie villains out there! Plus, it’s perfect for Craft Service because it’s Kraft! {Maybe they could have an ad where they serve it to a movie company, and they love it so much, they change Craft Service to Kraft Service by popular demand!})

Sensitive Documents Found in Macy's Parade Confetti

A CNN story today claims sensitive documents were found in the confetti tossed out during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. But doesn't that make sense? After all, these documents have seen all their document friends shredded and mutilated, and all to make into confetti for us to carelessly throw around in celebration. Of course they're sensitive: they probably think they're next! And when they hear what happens to the turkeys, they try to hide in the rest of the confetti in the hopes of going unnoticed. (Apparently, it didn't work.)

Here's the shredded & sensitive story:

http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/26/us/new-york-confidential-confetti/

When I initially read this story, I was hoping to hear that some OCD person took all the confetti home and pieced and taped it all back together into complete pages, but no dice. Oh well, maybe next year!

Cloud Services Cancelation Notice

Cloud services are those web servers that store all your computer files and such. And when someone does not pay for their cloud services, I think it would be fun for the company to send the delinquent customer a little mp3 clip of the Rolling Stones' "Get Off Of My Cloud", maybe just the chorus, which says: "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"

Here's the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3F4GmbHl5g

Ford Fusion Driving Off A Cliff Ad

Here we have a commercial for the Ford Fusion which shows someone driving along a winding cliffside road (kind of like Mulholland Drive here in L.A. between Laurel Canyon and Coldwater Canyon), and then the car just wrests control from the driver and drives right off the cliff (!) at a scenic overlook area. Yikes! So, are we to understand that this car will always drive off of cliffs if we buy it? The commercial specifically states that it can't fly, so I guess we'll die, huh? Well, it's mighty sporting of them to warn us like this so we can avoid buying this car if we don't want to plummet to our deaths against our will; but it is possible that Ford didn't want us to know, and the advertising agency, out of an attack of conscience, decided to show what will always happen to everyone who buys this car, hoping to save some lives. (Seriously: think about it. Why else would anyone make an ad like this? It makes it look like the product is trying to kill the consumer. Who thinks this is a good idea for a commercial? They must really have tunnel vision about what they want to do, or groupthink or something. "Hey, let's show the car flying!" "How is it going to fly?" "Well, let's show it driving off a cliff!" "Brilliant! Who could possibly read anything negative into that?")

Hey, Ford: Can you build a car like this that doesn't drive off of cliffs all the time? I might be interested if you could assure me that you have mastered the ability of making cars that don't try to kill the driver.

Incredibly, I can't seem to find this commercial on YouTube.* (I'm kidding: They would be ridiculed like crazy if they posted this ad! Maybe they did, and it got bashed, so they took it down?) But you can see it on television quite easily: all you have to do is turn it on and wait.

You know, maybe this car is simply suicidal because it drove around L.A. and now it feels fat or something. Perhaps in other cities where everyone isn't anorexic or a plastic surgery disaster it would feel more happy, confident and well adjusted. But would Ford pay for a car psychiatrist just in case?

* Oops, sorry: I didn't see it at first, but it is on YouTube, amazingly (although comments have been disabled for this video: go figure.), and here it is, in all its self-destructive glory:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-sJ4V9x6Xk

It does amaze me, however, that this spot has such a high rating of likes vs. dislikes. Oh, well: maybe everyone likes it because it's so silly and easy to make fun of. That's primarily why it caught my attention.

Chaim the Chanukah Candle: A Jewish Frosty the Snowman?

The other night I saw the end of the old '60s Rankin-Bass cartoon Frosty the Snowman, and it made me wonder why there aren't more Chanukah TV specials. And I think I might have just the Chanukah version of Frosty the Snowman: Chaim the Chanukah Candle. And it could play out similarly to Frosty, with a magical Chanukah candle who only wants to help his friends celebrate Chanukah, but some mean old fire marshal always wants to extinguish him, claiming he's a fire hazard (!). And so the animated cartoon holiday special would show us Chaim's narrow escapes from the ferocious fire marshal until finally he gets sprayed with a fire hose and goes out. Oh, but the magic of Chanukah rekindles his flame, and just in time for him to join his eight other Chanukah candles for the last night of Chanukah! (Chaim is the middle candle in the Menorah.)

And there would have to be some catchy song for everyone to hum to themselves that nobody could ever get out of their head, no matter how hard they try, like the one for Frosty the Snowman. Like, maybe something like this:

Chaim the Chanukah Candle, always burned with holiday cheer,
Burning to his end with his eight good friends at this festive time of year.
He burns with glowing light, on the eight long Chanukah nights,
And his light gives you a lift, while you give your Chanukah gifts.
(Etc.)

Fruity Pebbles Bossy Breakfast Ad

I saw this ad a few months ago while babysitting for my niece. It's truly a ridiculous ad, and it reminds me of lots of silly things, the first of which is Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams. Lost? I will refresh your memory.

In this ad, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble are at Mr. Slate's quarry, and they're eating Fruity Pebbles. Well, apparently they have 64 flavors now, and after Fred takes a bite, he says: "It rocks your whole mouth!" Then we see a picture of an escalator taking the cereal up to his brain from his mouth. (So I guess his brain is part of his mouth? No wonder he's such a lunk-head.) Oh, but just then, Mr. Slate catches them slacking off (I didn't know Barney worked there too. Oh well, cheat when you have to, I guess.), and he yells at them to get back to work, whereupon he spies a bowl of Fruity Pebbles they have left behind as a practical joke. You see, it's a joke because that bowl doesn't have 64 flavors, so it turns Mr. Slate into a crocodile (?), just like the marijuana did to people in Nice Dreams. So, are we to infer that Fred and Barney intentionally put tainted marijuana into the bowl for Mr. Slate to eat? And isn't that a felony? (Maybe not in the stone age.)

Then there's another issue with this ad I have to take. You see, this spot infers that if you eat the non-64-flavored cereal, you'll turn into a dinosaur, or a crocodile, or whatever it is. But kids would love to be able to turn into such things! So now they'll all want to get the old version of the cereal on eBay, and when it doesn't transform them into a monster so they can go on a rampage, they'll be able to sue for false advertising. (The people who made this spot either don't have kids, or they don't remember what it was like to be a kid.)

Here's the crocodile converting cereal commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnzHGcGfbI4

Folgers Brother & Sister Christmas Ad

Well, you know it's the Christmas season when you see an ad like this one. Yes, it's the Folger's Christmas commercial! This spot has a young man returning home from West Africa (I'm guessing Peace Corps? Or maybe a soldier of fortune?), and after he gets out of the cab, his sister meets him at the door. He gives her a present, and she takes the ribbon bow off the box and sticks it on him, saying: "You're my present this year." And then the parents wake up upstairs and come down to meet their son.

Well, if this ad doesn't give you a lump in your throat, you probably have no neck. But even so, there are some little issues I have with it. (I know: Ad Scrooge! Mwa ha ha! {I can feel the rattling chains now as I type this...}) Like, for instance, the parents wake up to find their son they haven't seen for a long time, and yet the jingle says: "The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup." So, are they suggesting these parents don't like their son very much, and they'd actually prefer a cup of instant coffee to seeing him after a long period? (Maybe they're caffeine addicts who get awful headaches without their coffee, or who are grouches without it.) Or are they actually having the arrogance to suggest that a cup of Folgers coffee is better than seeing a loved one again for the first time in a long time? The nerve!

Okay, then there's another issue here: The son says he's come from West Africa, and then he leans into the coffee maker, sniffs it and says: "Aah! Real coffee!" So, are we to infer that he is insulting Africa's coffee? What a jerk! They ought to revoke his passport! (Okay, I will admit the African coffee is produced in East Africa, but still: Africa makes some great coffee! Or was he talking about the plane trip? Because if he's insulting the airline coffee on television, maybe some flight attendant might recognize him on his return trip to Africa and spill some scalding coffee in his lap on the plane just out of spite!)

But all jokes aside, it's a nice, warm spot that hits you right in your heart. Nice.

Here's the Christmas coffee commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZnqBL6iYjA

State Farm Desert Rear-End Collision Ad

In this next chapter of this disingenuous ad campaign, a guy gets hit from behind by someone else in the desert, and he says the obligatory: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!", which results in another tragic teleportation accident combining a human with a fly, and The Fly arrives and kills everyone, necessitating the State Farm unit of Men in Black to speed to the scene for a quick clean-up so nobody ever knows what happened. Okay, that doesn't happen, but it should!

So what really happens is that his insurance agent materializes out of thin air (again! State Farm must be owned by the Federation of Planets to have such teleportation technology! And come to think of it, how come Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock never got jumbled up with some alien planet version of a fly and beam aboard a monstrous killing machine bent on destruction, mayhem, and with a taste for human blood? I heard that was going to be in the fourth season, but NBC canceled it anyway, proving NBC stands for "No Bitchin' Carnage". {Actually, most people say it stands for "Nothing But Crap", but I disavow knowledge of such a thing, just in case NBC might hire me someday [If it really stands for Nothing But Crap, I'm a shoe-in there!].}), and she says: "You're covered, Kevin." Well, I certainly hope so! The accident was not Kevin's fault, and the guy who hit him is still there, so shouldn't it be that guy's insurance company that pays for the damage? And by calling State Farm, isn't he simply ensuring that his insurance premiums will go up, even though the accident was not his fault, and his insurance company will pay nothing? So wouldn't it profit him more to simply neglect to report the accident and let the other guy pay for the damages? (There is probably a law that says you must report all accidents just so the insurance company can chisel you out of more money for nothing.)

But imagine this scenario if the guy with the State Farm car insurance policy was at fault in the accident, and he was drunk, and he hurt and/or killed people in the wreck. When he says: "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!", would the agent show up, size up the situation, and say: "Um, I'm outta here: You're on your own!"? It seems like that to me. And if this ad was any good, they would show the State Farm insuree in a situation where State Farm would have to pay, and they'd still (pretend to) be willing to help. Or is that just not a realistic enough scenario for anyone to accept?

Here's the curiously crass car crash commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBRmlVEvQO4

Oh, and another thing: The guy whose mother shows up, hanging on the phone: he tells her she's not helping (!). What a jerk! She's calling the insurance company, and she obviously had to navigate the whole robot guy voice and actually get to a point where she knows she will talk to a person soon. That's a pain-in-the-ass to call a company like that! And not only that, but he says some magick spell that teleports her into the scalding hot desert where she'll probably get bitten by rattlesnakes and get eaten by coyotes, and he doesn't even appreciate it? What an assh*le! Maybe she ought to teleport in and start nagging him every time he hooks up with a lady from now on! (Oh, and singing that State Farm jingle with different words makes other people appear? Oh my God: It's black magic! Burn the witches at State Farm! {I'm kidding: please don't burn anyone at State Farm. Or if you do, please say someone else told you to do it so I won't get in trouble.})

Big 10 = 14?

Yes, two new teams are about to enter to Big 10, bringing their number to 14 teams. (Yes, in football, 10 + 2 = 14.) Now all they have to do is send a bunch of huge football players to go threaten mathematics professors into admitting that 10 + 2 = 14, and then they're set! Unless they want to be the Big 14. (They could, now that they have more than the Big 12 {unless, of course, the Big 12 have more than 12... [I don't care enough to check: sorry.]}.)

But what I would have done was to accept 1 new team, rather than 2. Then they could have been the Lucky 13 conference. And then they could have ads saying it's unlucky for any team that plays against the Lucky 13! That might be fun. Unless everyone thought it was unlucky to be in the Lucky 13. Then they'd all lose! (Okay, maybe it's not such a good idea after all.)

But if they are going to continue being the Big 10, they should have to use as a theme song that Aerosmith song: "Big Ten Inch Record".

Here's that Aerosmith song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00zuDUNTeXM

New Big 12 Logo?

Hey, the Big 12 is a college football conference, but what it makes me think of is something else: eggs. Eggs are sold by the dozen, and they're usually called stuff like "large", etc. So why not turn the Big 12 into the Large Dozen? Then the new logo could be an egg carton, and every egg in the carton could have a team's logo on it. Then their competitors would see this and underestimate them, thinking they could crush them like eggs, and the Large Dozen could crush everyone back! Sound like a good idea? No? Oh well...

But, maybe if that doesn't work, they could become the Dirty Dozen, and try to make all their players lead the league in fouls, penalties, dirty play, cheating, bribery, etc. Now wouldn't that be fun? Then the NCAA would always know where to look for the rule-breaking programs, and everyone else would be scot free to break all the rules they wanted to with impunity (until the NCAA figured out the ruse)! And maybe the Dirty Dozen conference would be able to trade drafts for running interference for other dirty programs.

Hershey's French Kisses?

We all know and love Hershey's Kisses, right? Well, what about a new version for the more risqué chocolate consumer: Hershey's French Kisses? They could be shaped like a tongue, and they could have ads featuring Gene Simmons of KISS comparing his tongue to the Hershey's French Kiss tongue. (And maybe getting frustrated when women prefer the Hershey's Kiss tongue to his, but getting over it when they chew it up. {This all while KISS's "Lick It Up" plays in the background.})

Mercedes Santa Claus Naughty & Nice Ad

Well, our Mercedes-obsessed Santa Claus is back, and this time he's looking at a line of red Mercedes Benz cars and smiling, just like we might have expected from the last Mercedes Santa Claus commercial, where he's revealed to be a secret hoarder of red Mercedes Benzes. Oh, but in this spot, the line of red cars is getting onto a car carrier that's labelled: "Naughty". (And there's another line of white cars labelled: "Nice".)

So, are we to infer from this that Santa Claus is naughty? He drives to red ones too, so this must be what they're getting at here. Well, I never: insulting Santa Claus as being naughty? What jerks! Santa saved Frosty the Snowman last night on TV! And they still insinuate he's naughty? They're going to get a lump of coal in their stockings this year! (Or, for a practical joke, perhaps Santa Claus could make a reference to cars by pouring a barrel of crude oil down their chimney.)

Now, this is easy to fix. I mean, I understand that devils = red, angels = white idea, but I don't think it works in this ad campaign because they have already established that Santa Claus drives red ones himself. So how about making the "naughty" cars black with dark tinted windows? That would work better within this milieu, because naughty people aren't necessarily demonic, and most of the badass people I know drive black cars. And this would make plenty of sense, while not soiling Santa Claus's reputation by impugning his integrity through guilt-by-association with the red cars. See what I mean?

Here's the Santa-smearing spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymNlGQkVrYY

Cosmetics Attack Ads?

I saw Chuck Berry perform his famous song Maybellene in some '50s Rock n' Roll documentary last night, and it made me think of the makeup company Maybelline. In Chuck Berry's song, he sings: "Oh Maybellene, why can't you be true?" And I thought it might make a fun attack ad for a competitor of the makeup company Maybelline to use this song in an ad that shows someone having their makeup give them problems. Maybe they could smear their lipstick and look silly, or kiss some man who then gets caught by his wife, and then she cries, which makes her mascara run down her face. And they could just repeat the line over and over again while they show this stuff happening: "Oh Maybelline, why can't you be true?" Then, the competing cosmetics company could say that their makeup won't be untrue to you like Maybelline, and their lipstick won't get on anyone's collar, it won't smear, and it won't run down anyone's face even if they cry, which could only be tears of joy, so long as you use (whatever brand of) makeup!

Or, maybe they could suggest that Maybelline makeup is what makes people cheat on their spouses, etc. Or perhaps they could even accuse Maybelline makeup of intentionally getting lipstick on men's collars to bust you when you cheat (or just to get you {and the man} in trouble even if it's just a friend or family member you kissed). And next their ad could show scandal rag headlines about a torrid affair, and all because Maybelline makeup came off onto a man's collar. Then the competing cosmetics company could say that only their makeup protects you from such awful consequences.

And last but not least, a competing cosmetics company could make attack ads making fun of Maybelline's slogan. So an ad could show two snarky models looking at some unattractive woman, and they could say: "Maybe she was born with it." "Maybe it's Maybelline." And that's why you should use (whatever brand of) makeup instead.

Jack the Bodice Ripper

If I ever decide to write trashy romance novels, I plan on using the nom de plume: "Jack the Bodice Ripper". (Romance novels used to be called "Bodice Rippers" in the old days.)

Scarface Black Friday Sale Ad?

We all know and love Al Pacino hamming it up as Scarface, right? And what did he have in that movie at home? That's right: he had all the best technology and amenities! And where could you get all that stuff these days for the best price? Why, it's at Black Friday, isn't it? So then it just makes sense to have Tony Montana be the spokesman for a Black Friday sale at some big box retailer! (Right? Who wouldn't want a drug kingpin as their spokesman? Using an underworld figurehead mascot worked well for Godfather's Pizza, didn't it?)

So Tony could be in his big palatial mansion, showing off all of his great stuff, like video surveillance cameras, HD monitors, HD 3D TVs, game consoles (where he plays stuff like Call of Duty Black Ops and Grand Theft Auto), etc., and he tells us that he got it all at (whatever store) on Black Friday! But then he finds that he wants a cold beverage, and there's the perfect space for a small refrigerator, but he doesn't have the fridge, and it just so happens that it's Black Friday again! So he gets his bodyguards to go with him and help him get into the store (He wears his white suit from the movie, and he says: "I always wear white on Black Friday!"), and then he finds the fridge he wants, checks the price, and says: "Say 'Hello' to my little fridge!" Then he opens it up, and it's already got a full bar and stuff inside.

Chick-fil-A Thanksgiving Ad?

Chick-fil-A is famous for (among other things) their "Eat Mor Chikin" ads, where cows do all sorts of things to try to get the message out that we should eat chicken instead of beef. But on Thanksgiving, everyone eats turkey, so I thought it might be fun for Chick-fil-A to have an ad for Thanksgiving where a bunch of turkeys show up everywhere to encourage people to eat more chicken (instead of them). I have seen tons of Chick-fil-A ads on Thanksgiving and today during the football games, and it seems to me they might get some extra notice if they used turkeys instead of cows for this time of year.

Papa John's Thanksgiving Pizza?

I was driving with family to a Thanksgiving dinner this evening, and we passed by a closed Papa John's Pizza, and my sister said: "Oh, we can't get a Papa John's pizza tonight? Lame!" And that made me think that maybe Papa John's should offer a Thanksgiving Pizza for those with nowhere to go, or for those who hate cleaning up. The Thanksgiving Pizza would be easy to make, and it could have the whole meal in one place!

Here's what it would be like: A pan pizza-sized pie crust with cranberry sauce as the pizza sauce, filled with turkey meat, green beans, stuffing, and mashed potatoes, and baked under a thick layer of gravy. Sound good? Then call Papa John's and demand it!

And if that ends up being popular, then Papa John's could make a Christmas Pizza, with a Yorkshire Pudding crust, cream horseradish as sauce, and roast beef, turkey, potatoes, root vegetables, all in a sugar plum coating.

And how about a Halloween Pizza, made from a pie crust, filled with pumpkin pie filling and "fun size" candy, with a whipped cream topping covered in fresh-bobbed apple slices.

And you can't forget the 4th of July Pizza, with regular pizza stuff, and a crust edge made from dozens of lit firecrackers and Roman candles! No patriot would be without one!

Star Trek Black Friday Sketch/Ad

Hey, speaking of buzzsaws (I wrote about Speed Racer cutting his way through holiday traffic in my last post), remember that alien in the original Star Trek episode that looked like a buzzsaw of light, and it made the Klingons and the Enterprise crew fight each other, and it fed off the rage and hatred, causing it to turn red? (The episode was called “Day of the Dove”, from the third season.) Well, at the end of that episode, the alien thingy, defeated by Captain Kirk’s truce with the Klingons, flew out of the Enterprise and into space, and it’s my belief that it now hangs around large discount retailers on Black Friday, making everyone go crazy with rage and fight over X-Boxes and video games and flat-screen TV sets and stuff. And one of these years, I hope Kirk and Spock will beam down to fight off the alien menace once again! In fact, this whole scenario of people fighting at retailers over sale items on Black Friday with the red glowing buzzsaw alien feeding off the consumer fighting frenzy would make a great ad for an online retailer like Amazon.com. Here’s how it would work:

We see people fighting over merchandise at a big Black Friday sale, and everyone starts brawling and stampeding and so forth, with that buzzsaw alien hovering overhead and glowing bright red. Then Kirk and Spock, and maybe that Klingon commander, come beaming down to fight the alien menace again. So, using brain over brawn, as Kirk generally does when faced with a powerful opponent he can’t just beat up or something, Captain Kirk tells the hapless shoppers that this evil alien force is feeding off of their greed and hate, and that crushing into sales like this and fighting over stuff is only helping it grow stronger; but to subvert this evil alien’s designs, everyone could simply shop for their sale stuff online at Amazon.com, where they have the same great deals, but without all that in-person mortal combat required to get the stuff and the savings you want. And, thus outmaneuvered once again, the evil alien buzzsaw thingy turns pale again, drained of its angry red rage energy, and departs this world for other unsuspecting locales. And the world is safe for bargain hunting once more, thanks to Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Amazon.com! The End.

Here’s what the alien looks like (it spins around like a buzzsaw):

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mctut89Ub71qmfyf0.jpg

And here’s what it looks like when it’s all fed with rage and hate:

http://cdn2.hark.com/images/000/153/922/153922/original.jpg

Speed Racer Thanksgiving Special

Hey, it’s Thanksgiving again, and along with Thanksgiving comes the nightmare of traffic jams on every highway across the land. And as a special cathartic fantasy piece for people in this travel nightmare situation, I thought it might be fun for someone to make an animated Speed Racer Thanksgiving Special. The storyline would be that Speed and Trixie, now married, have to drive hundreds of miles to go have Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s and Pops’s house. Oh, but luckily for Speed, he’s got the powerful Mach 5: a car with buzzsaws in the front end that are so powerful, he can actually cut his way through a forest of thick trees while driving 100 mph (!). So, once he gets stuck in stop-and-go traffic on a freeway for too long, he lives every commuter’s fantasy and deploys those saws to cut his way through the gridlock, driving as fast as he wants to all the way along his journey. Then, this accomplished, they sit down to a nice Thanksgiving meal where his brother Rex reveals he’s been the mysterious Racer X all along! Then, Speed and Rex both pile into their cars and race to see who can cut their way through slow traffic the fastest on their way to Rex’s house (Rex has a big saw in the front of his car too, I think). The End.

The Secret Lives of Emoticons

Yes, emoticons. You know there’s more going on than what we’re allowed to see. Like, how come some of them are so red-faced and angry? Well, I have an idea, and I think I’m right. You see, these mean-faced emoticons are actually emoti-cons, as in convicts, and they’re the most devilishly evil entities out there. Luckily for us, they’re convicts in a Supermax prison, but what if they got out? Then we’d all be doomed!

Oh, but just when we think we’re sunk and at the mercy of these nasty emoti-cons, the heroic emoti-cops come to save the day! Yes, they’re the buddy cop team of the smiley face and the cool-looking face! Oh, but what happens when these evil emoti-cons wear disguises? Yes, that’s right: these evil emoti-cons know they look scary, so they wear masks that make them look like the emoti-cops that are chasing them, causing all kinds of trouble for our heroic emoti-cops!

Who will win? Who knows? Will the world be safe for emoticon use again? To find out, check the ongoing saga in Emoti-Comics!

New Fatburger Spokesperson?

I drove past a Fatburger today, and it reminded me of how I can’t believe there’s still a burger chain called Fatburger anymore, what with the obesity epidemic and all. But if they are going to keep calling themselves Fatburger, I think they really ought to take on a rebellious attitude with regard to the health food initiative. And there’s one way to do this and relate it to their name at the same time! How, you might ask? Well, with a new spokesperson!

Yes, we all know who it should be, right? Well, obviously it should be Jack Spratt’s wife! (Remember: Jack Spratt would eat no fat, and his wife would eat no lean.) So Mrs. Spratt could become the spokeswoman for Fatburger, and she could rave all about how it’s the only place she can get a burger these days, what with all the health food initiatives insisting on lean meat and such. And wouldn’t that tend to attract all the people who hate all the food police griping?

I mean, seriously: if you’re going to call your restaurant Fatburger, why not go all the way?

(Full disclosure: I really like Fatburger, but I think their company name is a bit ill-suited to our times, especially in über-liberal California. How about Fitburger instead? Doesn’t sound yummy enough? Oh well, I thought not.)

Dee Snider (Joke) Shampoo Ad

Hey, we all know Dee Snider, right? He’s the singer from Twisted Sister who made Congress look like a bunch of idiots during the whole censorship thing in the ‘90s. (Oh, that was truly priceless!) But wouldn’t it be fun to see him in a shampoo ad with all the mounds of yarn-like blonde hair he’s got spewing forth from his cranium?

Se here’s how this ad might work: Dee Snider could say he used to be a Twisted Sister because he kept getting split ends in his over-permed hair, but ever since he found (whatever brand of shampoo), he’s just a nice normal guy. And so will it tame the savage beast in you, too, when you use (whatever brand of) shampoo! (And they could show him morphing from his Twisted Sister makeup into normal Dee Snider once he uses the new shampoo, showing it cure him of his twisted rage.)

And the whole band could join him for playing “We’re Not Going to Take It”, and sing it about how they’re not going to put up with split ends anymore, and that’s why they’re using this new shampoo. And they could sing: “We’re not going to take it, we don’t want our hair ends split, we’re not going to take it anymore!”

Juan Mata (John Kill)

Juan Mata is a Spanish footballer who plays for Chelsea. His name in English means “John Kill”. It sounds like a video game character, doesn’t it? Like Max Payne or something.

So John Kill, the video game character, could be a hired killer, and he always kills his victims in the john, hence: John Kill. So the video game ads could say: “John Kill: he kills in the john! He scares the crap out of his enemies, but they’d better not go to the bathroom, or else it’s curtains…!” (Then we could see a picture of blood-spattered shower curtains.)

Oh, and since the video game would take place in lots of bathrooms, and since he’d be killing lots of drug lords and stuff, it would be the perfect opportunity for a bathroom fixtures company like Kohler to do virtual advertising within the game play, showing all these amazing sinks and baths and showers and faucets and stuff. Then you could just click on the fixture to see what model it is, how much it costs, and where to order it if you want one.

The Sex Pistols Cookbook

Hey, everyone else is cashing in on cookbooks, so why not The Sex Pistols too? It could be written by Paul Cook (since he sounds like a cook), and it could have fun dishes like Sid Vichyssoise, Johnny Rotten Eggs, Steve Jones Scones, Submission Sandwich, etc. Maybe they could even have their own brand of wine, called Anarchy in the Bouquet. (Or maybe that could be their flower shop.)

Robot Men

People commonly ask where all the robot soldiers are. But they’re here already! They’re just not on a battlefield. Yes, that’s right, they’re the guys on the telephone when you need to talk to someone at your bank, your phone/cable/internet company, etc. These are the robot soldiers of the future, but they’re not fighting for us; they’re fighting against us!

I know this because I had to call my bank, my phone/cable/internet provider, and my main online store all today, and it killed all of my cordless phone batteries to do it, because I had to talk to some robot guy for half an hour before I got to talk to a person each time! And this is how the machines will take over someday, mark my words!

Yes, here’s how the machines will strike and defeat humanity in one day: First, they’ll screw up all of our online accounts. Then, when we try to fix them, we’ll have to call an 800 number. These calls will all be answered by a robot guy’s voice who will make us go crazy with bullsh!t, and then, just to be sure they get everyone, robo calls will flood everyone’s phones again and again for hours. They will keep us up all night with the ringing and vibrating of our phones. And then, just when we’re all at the breaking point, they’ll strike! And we won’t stand a chance.

Take my word for it: these robot voices will be our undoing yet!

Holiday Online Transactions

Wow! This sure is a pain in the ass! Every time I need to do anything online these days, every site, from my bank to my cable provider to my preferred online shopping location, they’re not acting normal. They’re asking me to enter the most critical personal information to proceed. For my bank, they want my mother’s maiden name or my father’s middle name, my online store wants me to re-enter my credit card number and expiration date, etc., and they want me to type it in for them. Um, isn’t this exactly what a hacker would do? It sure seems that way to me. And even if it’s not a hacker, there could be a key-reading virus, or else you could be using someone else’s computer, and they might read keystrokes too. I mean, maybe I’m being too spastic, but it seems to me that there’s a better way for them to make sure they know it’s us, and it would be more benign questions.

What’s your favorite actor?

What’s your favorite movie?

Etc.

You get the idea.

Chaud Dogs (High-End Hot Dogs)

I was at my sister's house, and her daughter wanted hot dogs, so we got some, and lots of trimmings. Well, hot dogs don't have the best reputation for quality, despite being sold at Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, but I thought it would be possible to make them out of top ingredients to make a premium hot dog. And to let everyone know in the name that it's a premium quality hot dog, I thought a good brand name might be "Chaud Dogs". You see, 'chaud' is French for 'hot', and so the name would be pronounced "Show Dogs", but it would mean "Hot Dogs". Plus, adding French into any American expression generally makes it sound more upper-eschelon, hoity-toity and snobbish. So you know it will be the show dog of hot dogs!

Red State Dawn

As many of us have seen, apparently there is a remake of Red Dawn coming out soon. It's a shame they didn't manage to make it during the Cold War, but whatever: better late than never, huh? Hey, they made plenty of WWII movies after WWII, right? So this is just like that, only, you know, less compelling, and everything. But there is something that's happening now that is very contemporaneous that might work to make this movie even more exciting: Red State Dawn!

That's right: ever since President Obama's re-election, lots of sore loser states have submitted petitions to secede from the United States. And what if they all teamed up and fought to be free? (Hey, it could happen if President Obama wins re-election again, right?) So then it would be really relevant and exciting and zeitgeisty to have a remake of Red Dawn called Red State Dawn where all the red states invade the blue states and force them to live under the tyranny of Mitt Romney, or whomever they'd choose (maybe Sarah Palin, for extra horror)? Then the movie could show how the red states initially defeat and occupy the blue states because the blue states are all full of anti-gun hippies who are easy to push around by the gun-toting red staters. But then, forced to live under the tyranny of pro-lifers who lower taxes, cut social programs, and force everyone to pray in school and teach creationism, the liberals learn to appreciate the Second Amendment and start acquiring guns and ammo and start to fight back! And once they start to think about all the social issues, they see red like the red staters do, and it's a blood-spurting carnage-fest to the end!

You know you want to see it! The next big action blockbuster is: Red State Dawn!

Ancestry.com Grandmother's House Ad

In this spot for Ancestry.com, a woman says she looked up her grandmother on Ancestry.com, only to find out that her grandmother grew up in a house right down the street from her. Well, this makes me think she should have said she used to egg that house and toilet paper the yard all the time and leave flaming bags of poop on the doorstep, not to mention knock down the mailbox every weekend, and it's no wonder her grandmother's ghost has been haunting her, which is the whole reason she looked her up on Ancestry.com to begin with. So finally it all makes sense to her!

I'm sorry to say that this commercial is harder to find online than her grandmother's house. But just watch TV and you'll be sure to be haunted by it!

Leadership Tips from James Bond

Forbes magazine has a really fun and actually quite good article giving tips for success from James Bond. (I’ll leave a link to the article below.) But there’s one thing they don’t address quite enough for me: the fact that all of this stuff is written by scriptwriters who don’t have anything like the same life experience of a James Bond. I mean, sure, the scripts are based upon novels written by a real-life intelligence guy, but they’re written very tongue-in-cheek, and I think the movies especially are supposed to be kind of a spoof. So at the end of this article, I think it would have been helpful for them to have added: “Of course, if this stuff doesn’t work out for you, please remember that James Bond is a fictional character, and keep telling yourself: ‘It’s only a movie! It’s only a movie!’” (That was the tagline for many horror movies in the 1970s.) Because after all, things generally work out for the hero of a movie, because the script is written that way. So you might want to ask yourself: are you in a movie right now?

Here’s the secret agent article:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidkwilliams/2012/08/11/12-maverick-leadership-tips-from-james-bond/

Nissan Pathfinder "Bird's-Eye View" Parking Ad

In this silly and whimsical spot for the Nissan Pathfinder's video parking assist feature, a man prepares to park in a tight parallel parking space on the street, and his wife asks if he's sure they can fit. So naturally he says of course he can fit, because he's a man, and men can parallel park, unlike women, and so she divorces him on the spot, making their house and this car technically hers already, leaving him on foot despite his precision parking prowess.

Okay, that doesn't happen, but what does is even sillier, because like in Walt Disney's Snow White, little birds come flying down from a nearby tree and help guide the car into its parking space (!). (Actually, in Snow White, birds come help her with housework, not parking a car. Wow, this is even more sexist than I thought! So birds only help women with housework, but they help men parallel park? And all so men can brag about how well they can park? Sexist birds.) Unfortunately, the guy's wife was right, and the space is too tight, resulting in the car crushing two of the birds to death against another parked car (!!).

Well, this is too much for these birds to bear! After all, they flew down to help this guy, and he just kills them! So forever after this occurrence, birds everywhere attack this guy's car wherever it is, and dive-bomb his person, pecking at his face and pooping on his head. And then they start doing it to the whole human race! It's just like in Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds! In fact, someone is remaking The Birds, and in the remake, this event of a Nissan Pathfinder killing birds while parking is what starts the whole avian apocalypse. Oh, if only Nissan hadn't created a car that attracts birds, but now it's too late: we'll all die in a feathery fight to the finish, and it's all Nissan's fault! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the, um, avianity?

Here's the avian apocalypse-activating ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg3wJ1iXWdY

Samsung Galaxy S III Touch Phones for Video Ad

Yes, this is the one where some guy is getting into a cab to go to the airport, and his little kids made him a video, and so did his wife. So this ad shows that all you have to do is touch phones to transfer video files, but while his kids want him to watch their video on the plane, his wife says he probably shouldn't watch hers on the plane. Now, I know this is intended to infer that she made some sexy video for him (doesn't the fact that it transfers from phone to phone so easily make this a bad idea, on top of the, you know, fact that making sexting videos is stupid to begin with, because they always seem to find their way onto the Internet?), but the first thing it made me think of was something else. Yes, I'm afraid my warped mind thought she might be mad at him, and so she made some incriminating video to get him in trouble, knowing he'll watch it on the plane anyway. So naturally I thought it might be a bomb threat, or personalized instructions from Ayman al Zawahiri, and once he played it on the plane, everybody would tackle him, and he'd find himself in Gitmo. (A reminder to not make your wife mad.)

Here's the touchy spot:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ7MUWhZL7g

Geico Antelopes with Night Vision Goggles Ad

Okay, so here we have another one of these annoying Geico ads, this time with a couple of snarky antelopes wearing night vision goggles making fun of a male lion trying to hunt them. You see, with their night vision goggles, they can see him stalking them, so I guess they're suggesting they could run away or something? It's just such a tragic waste of life that they don't understand that in the wild, female lions hunt for most of the food, and they do it in teams. So this male lion was just trying to attract their attention so his girlfriends could sneak up and kill these jerky antelopes. Ha ha, joke's on them! Of course, we don't get to see that part of it in this ad, because it's just another stupid ad for Geico, and apparently the creative team for this ad has never seen a nature documentary about lions before.

I wish that lion would just attack those unfunny comedian guys with their guitar and mandolin on that lame little portable stage instead, since they're the ones who gave the antelopes night vision goggles, necessitating this whole distraction strategy to begin with. So the lion was able to just chill at home and watch TV before, but these jerks made hunting harder, so now he has to work too as a demeaning decoy duck. Plus, he's seen these annoying Geico ads before, so he should want to kill and eat them anyway even without this night vision goggles thing. (And he'd be doing us all a favor! Although it wouldn't be long before there was yet another, probably even worse, Geico ad campaign, just to punish us.)

Here's the wildly annoying ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m0VnzPFxew

TCM Classic Cruise

TCM is advertising a cruise on a cruise ship, but they're not making the most of their ad for it. There are lots of movies about ships, so why not pepper their sell full of these movies? Sure, most of these movies are about ships sinking, but cruise ships have a great reputation for safety, right? So then I'm sure nobody will associate these sinking ship movies with the TCM cruise, which means they've got to use these film titles (and preferably show these movies on the cruise!). Here's an example of what I mean:

Come join Turner Classic Movies for a Poseidon Adventure aboard a Titanic luxury cruise ship! Every night will be A Night to Remember while you watch the best in classic maritime movies! You'll feel like The Unsinkable Molly Brown in a Lifeboat even if the cruise ship sinks! In fact, if it does sink, you might get to travel 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and meet The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms! And if we make it to the last weekend without incident, we'll show restored versions of Jaws, Tentacles, Piranha and It Came from Beneath the Sea right before chumming along on a compulsory snorkeling tour of the Bahamas! That's the TCM Classic Cruise: Reserve your spot today! Come chum with us!

Love Pentagon: New TV Show?

Hey, this Petraeus sex scandal is just the gift that keeps on giving for the news. Practically everything they’re talking about is the affair, and all the other things going on around it. Well, isn’t it about time this scandal started using its buzz and clout to become a new hit TV show? Well, we all know about love triangles, and we all know this recent stuff is related to the Pentagon, so how about calling the show: Love Pentagon? (5 sides representing the five senses for the ultimate in passion!) Everybody could be seeing everybody else in this top secret environment of power and deadly intrigue! And even our nation’s enemies will get in on the action by sending sexy biographers to defeat us, rather than suicide bombers and blue on green attacks. It will be a revolving door of steamy sex and intrigue at the Pentagon, leading to its late night cable TV show spin-off: Pentagon Penthouse! It’s what goes on after business hours, if you know what I mean… (See what happens when the lights go out and the uniforms come off!)

A Knock Knock Joke for President Obama’s Upcoming CEOs Meeting

President Obama is planning a meeting with business leaders soon, and I have a joke that might help smooth things over for him with this CEO crowd:

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Amanda.

Amanda who?

A mandatory tax increase on those earning over $250,000 a year! Ha ha?

(I heard politicians always like to use humor to break the ice. Maybe he could call this the Amanda Tory Law.)

Petraeus Affair

There sure is a lot about the Petraeus affair on the news tonight, and supposedly Paula Broadwell, the woman in question, who wrote the biography of David Petraeus, called All In, is planning on writing another book about him (no joke). I wonder, will it be called: 50 Shades of Camo?

Spielberg Won’t Direct A Star Wars Movie

What a gyp! Spielberg refuses to direct a Star Wars movie? And after all George Lucas did for him, too! We even saw E.T.s in the prequel trilogy government, right? And that’s not enough? What a jerk!

But I have some ideas of how we can lure Spielberg into making a Star Wars movie yet! How about a Star Wars spin-off about Jar Jar Binks in the shark-infested waterworld of the Jaws Planet? It can just be a short film, where Jaws-esque sharks eat Jar Jar Binks, and then the credits roll. Now who wouldn’t want to direct that?

Then, how about a Saving Private Ryan/Star Wars movie, where Private Ryan can’t be saved by American troops, so the Jedi Knights spring into action to save him and all his compatriots as well? Or, how about a giant tanker truck (like from Duel) chasing after Luke Skywalker’s speeder before he ever meets Obi Wan Kenobi, with the fate of the galaxy at stake if he gets killed? (The truck can be a big Jawa vehicle, just to keep things making sense and stuff.)

How about a new version of Empire of the Sun, but with the Empire from Star Wars running the invasion and prison camps? How about Catch Me if You Can, but with Luke Skywalker being chased by Darth Vader, and the Empire having to foot the bill for all the fraud? How about an A.I. sequel where that robot kid meets R2D2 and C3PO, and they all make friends and enjoy hijinks together?

How about a new version of War Horse, but where the war horse commands clone troops for Darth Sidious against the Jedi? Or how about a new version of Poltergeist where the glowing ghost Jedi fight the poltergeists in the world of the afterlife?

Here’s the spiel:

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/steven-spielberg-not-direct-star-wars-movie-145726563.html

Pistachios Brobee Ad

I must admit, I like this silly ad. I didn’t know it was from Yo Gabba Gabba, especially since I saw it in the middle of the night when all kids are asleep (and probably most of their parents, too), but whatever. But I must admit to feeling a bit incredulous about the attitude of the eaten pistachio nuts. Aren’t they being tortured and burning in a sea of stomach acid? I myself have thrown up before after eating, among other things, pistachios, and I can tell you definitively that they were not dancing with smiley faces on: they were a curdled paste of goo, and they didn’t look happy. But maybe they partied and then swam down my small intestine before I got sick, and they danced all the way down my digestive tract: you never know (and I didn’t check)!

Here’s the partying pistachios piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp3VvNMyYug

Microsoft Picture Password

A new ad for the Microsoft Surface claims we can have a picture password, and then it shows a bunch of people circling things in pictures to get into their computers. Um, why does this make me think most guys will be circling bare breasts in nudie pictures to get into their computer?

Here’s an article about it:

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-57541847-71/microsofts-picture-password-ad-intriguing-or-confusing/

Tracy Wolfson’s Post Game Interviews

One of the fun parts of watching college football for a guy my age is getting to see Tracy Wolfson interview the coaches before, during, and after the game. She’s great at this job too, because she never seems like she’s rooting for anyone, and she often has to reach way up with her microphone to reach them at the end of games, while what looks like a moving forest of enormous football players runs past the shot. But I’ve always wondered what would happen if she was rooting for one of the teams, and they lost. She went to the University of Michigan, so let’s say they were in the BCS Championship Game, or else that they were ranked #1 and undefeated, but lost to some team near the end of the season to ruin their perfect record and their chance at the championship (like what happened to Alabama today). I would love to see her post game interview with the winning coach who beat Michigan, and have her say: “You beat my team you son of a bitch!” And then she could slap his face, bonk his head with her microphone, throw Diet Coke on him (or whatever she drinks), and walk away. (It would be great to see the look on his face!) Because it’s hard for anyone to stay neutral in college football, and she always manages to do it, so it would be extra funny to see her lose it and get mad at the outcome of a game and take it out on the winning coach. (She has the access if she ever wants to. Oh well, maybe on Saturday Night Live someday…)