TCM showed The Andromeda Strain again tonight, and it’s a great movie (if you’re an adult, and you have the patience for it). For me, there are so many things to love here, mostly because there are so many things to make fun of. (The display of government bureaucracy and red tape, etc., is one of the fun parts for a cynic like me.) In fact, there are so many, I’m surprised the guys who made Airplane! Never did a comedy version of The Andromeda Strain. Don’t know what I mean? Okay, I’ll enlighten you (inasmuch as I am able…).
Okay, so in The Andromeda Strain, some virus from outer space returns to Earth on some satellite, and it infects and kills everyone where it lands when it returns to Earth. So some scientists get called by the government to come and study it, and despite all their efforts, the only thing that saves humanity is the fact that the virus mutates to a non-lethal form eventually, proving how effective experts can sometimes be. (Maybe this was Michael Crichton’s payback to some experts who insulted his novels?) [Oh, I’m assuming at this point that you have seen The Andromeda Strain. If you haven’t, don’t bother reading any further, for your own good, because you won’t know what the hell I’m talking about.]
So here’s the thing about The Andromeda Strain: It would make such a great ad for things it wouldn’t want to be. Like, for example, one of the only survivors of the initial exposure to this virus only survives because he’s a “Sterno drinker”. So, wouldn’t that make a great ad for Sterno? They could say: “Sterno has so many uses! Plus, if the Earth ever gets infected with a extra-terrestrial virus, you’d be the only survivor if you drink Sterno! But you never know when that might happen, so just to be on the safe side, you’d better drink lots and lots of Sterno just in case! That’s Sterno: the savior of mankind!” (What a great product placement opportunity! I wonder how they managed it? And were there tie-in ads?)
Also, some computer company could show the slow progress they are making on studying the virus with their old computers and say: “If only they had the new (whatever computer): then they’d save humanity in a flash!” (And then maybe they could suggest that their computer company rivals would have doomed humanity with their crappy systems.)
Plus, maybe cigarette companies could say that quick, shallow breathing saved everyone from this infection, and so everyone should smoke cigarettes if they want to live, and this whole push against smoking is obviously a government plot to kill us all due to overpopulation. (You know it’s true!)
Now, look, I will admit that someone in this movie suggests that the government/military sent this stuff into outer space, and that it’s our own fault. (More “blame Earth firsters”!) But that exonerates the Martians we all know are trying to conquer us! I say we can’t take a chance: We’ve got to nuke Mars before it’s too late! (If you ever die, it will be because you didn’t listen to me right here! And as you lie on your deathbed, remember, you wouldn’t nuke Mars when we needed you to! Traitor! Buzzkill! You’re no fun!)
(I’m sorry, but I cannot possibly type all the jokes I’ve thought of tonight while watching this movie. Maybe someday someone will make a joke movie of this. But probably not.)
