Yes, the end of the world is nigh (if you believe the Maya),
and that means we all must prepare, because Jesus will judge us all soon (a little-known part of the Mayan prophecy). And you know what that means: We all
must figure out why we ought to be saved, so we can argue our case. Now, I’m
probably out of luck, but I do have some advice for the wealthy among us. As
you all will recall, Jesus said it would be easier for a camel to go through
the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. But that leaves a
bit of wiggle-room for the creative rich person to find a loophole; and never
fear, I’m here to help!
First off, Jesus didn’t say how big the needle could be, nor
did He specify how old the camel had to be. So if you’re rich enough, maybe you
could have some huge Claes Oldenburg needle made, and you could get a baby
camel, and lube it up well so it will easily pass through the eye of the
needle. (Or maybe a small plastic or stuffed camel will do.) I’m sure once
Jesus sees this type of ingenuity, He’ll be sure to let you into heaven, no sweat.
And this works way
better than giving all your money away, because that will just damn others to
the lake of fire for being rich, and you’ll be held responsible. And don’t
worry, there’s plenty of time to make that big needle; that’s why I’m telling
you about it now: so you’ll have lots of time to finish it. (But remember, you
have to put in a good word for me for thinking it up! {Oh, and if the apocalypse
doesn’t happen, you’ll still have most of your money left, plus a priceless Oldenburg sculpture that will only
increase in value!})
