Friday, November 30, 2012

Apocalypse Preparation: Heaven Loophole for the Rich

Yes, the end of the world is nigh (if you believe the Maya), and that means we all must prepare, because Jesus will judge us all soon (a little-known part of the Mayan prophecy). And you know what that means: We all must figure out why we ought to be saved, so we can argue our case. Now, I’m probably out of luck, but I do have some advice for the wealthy among us. As you all will recall, Jesus said it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven. But that leaves a bit of wiggle-room for the creative rich person to find a loophole; and never fear, I’m here to help!

First off, Jesus didn’t say how big the needle could be, nor did He specify how old the camel had to be. So if you’re rich enough, maybe you could have some huge Claes Oldenburg needle made, and you could get a baby camel, and lube it up well so it will easily pass through the eye of the needle. (Or maybe a small plastic or stuffed camel will do.) I’m sure once Jesus sees this type of ingenuity, He’ll be sure to let you into heaven, no sweat.

And this works way better than giving all your money away, because that will just damn others to the lake of fire for being rich, and you’ll be held responsible. And don’t worry, there’s plenty of time to make that big needle; that’s why I’m telling you about it now: so you’ll have lots of time to finish it. (But remember, you have to put in a good word for me for thinking it up! {Oh, and if the apocalypse doesn’t happen, you’ll still have most of your money left, plus a priceless Oldenburg sculpture that will only increase in value!})