The use of deadly force through drones has been effective, but controversial. Many critics have slammed their use, leading the Pentagon to develop new combat drones using non-lethal force to attack America’s enemies. These drones, while not killing combatants, will demoralize them and, hopefully, remove them from the fight, using tactics developed and perfected by The Three Stooges and elementary school bullies. Here is a list of the new combat drones under development:
The “Eye Poke” Drone: This drone is about the size of a baseball glove, making it difficult to detect. Once it hones in on its target, it deploys a plastic hand and pokes the enemy in the eyes like Moe from The Three Stooges. But once this tactic becomes known to the enemy, they will undoubtedly buy Three Stooges videos and learn to counteract these attacks by placing their hand between their eyes, like Curly, thus necessitating the development of…
The “Purple Nurple” Drone: This drone is designed to hone in on enemy combatants’ nipples and grab them with a rubber-tipped wrench that twists them hard for 360 degrees. (This is the most vicious twisting permitted by human rights organizations and elementary schools.) After an attack like this, terrorists will not be able to shower with their colleagues for fear of ridicule and humiliation! Oh, but terrorists don’t bathe much, leading to the development of…
The “Butt Kick” Drone: This drone is larger and meaner than the previous drones, but packed with a super-silent engine which allows the drone to sneak up behind the enemy and kick them in the butt with a weighted, steel-toed boot. One they feel the might of this force for freedom, surely they will surrender! But just in case they don’t there’s also…
The “Wedgie” Drone: This drone is similar to the “Butt Kick” drone, but it has a robotic claw that descends to grab at the enemy’s underwear and give them a painful and humiliating wedgie! (And if the target is high-profile enough, a second robotic claw can be engaged to initiate the dreaded front & back wedgie: surely a terrorist’s worst nightmare! But they might just cheat and stop wearing underwear, leading to the contingency plan of engaging…
The “Nugie” Drone: This drone is only intended for use on high-level enemy combatants, such as commanders. It is deployed upon the identification of an enemy commander, and then it swoops down from the sky, and in front of the enemy troops, it grabs the commander by the head, and gives them a nugie. (A nugie being the fist rubbed upon the head in an uncomfortable manner.) This will not only demoralize the commander, but also their foot soldiers, showing their commander ridiculed before their very eyes.
And if none of these work, then we’ll have to use lethal force. But we’d rather not have to.
