What a gyp! Spielberg refuses to direct a Star Wars movie? And after all George Lucas did for him, too! We even saw E.T.s in the prequel trilogy government, right? And that’s not enough? What a jerk!
But I have some ideas of how we can lure Spielberg into making a Star Wars movie yet! How about a Star Wars spin-off about Jar Jar Binks in the shark-infested waterworld of the Jaws Planet? It can just be a short film, where Jaws-esque sharks eat Jar Jar Binks, and then the credits roll. Now who wouldn’t want to direct that?
Then, how about a Saving Private Ryan/Star Wars movie, where Private Ryan can’t be saved by American troops, so the Jedi Knights spring into action to save him and all his compatriots as well? Or, how about a giant tanker truck (like from Duel) chasing after Luke Skywalker’s speeder before he ever meets Obi Wan Kenobi, with the fate of the galaxy at stake if he gets killed? (The truck can be a big Jawa vehicle, just to keep things making sense and stuff.)
How about a new version of Empire of the Sun, but with the Empire from Star Wars running the invasion and prison camps? How about Catch Me if You Can, but with Luke Skywalker being chased by Darth Vader, and the Empire having to foot the bill for all the fraud? How about an A.I. sequel where that robot kid meets R2D2 and C3PO, and they all make friends and enjoy hijinks together?
How about a new version of War Horse, but where the war horse commands clone troops for Darth Sidious against the Jedi? Or how about a new version of Poltergeist where the glowing ghost Jedi fight the poltergeists in the world of the afterlife?
Here’s the spiel:
