I was watching The Great Gatsby on TCM, and in the beginning of the movie, we see
Sam Waterston coming up to shore in a little motorboat and being met by a polo
player on a raging steed holding his polo mallet up as he charges forward to
greet him. Well, seeing as how this is the über-rich hoity toity set, and the
cultural zeigeist of “eat the rich” being so pervasive these days, I thought it
might make a fun slasher-style horror movie to have a polo mallet massacre
movie.
So here’s how this might play out: A Rich Wall Street couple
buys a big cursed Long Island summer estate near all of their friends, but
legend has it that there is the vengeful ghost of a stable groom of polo ponies
who was decapitated by his master years ago in a heated argument over
infidelity or polo or something, and since that time, no-one has played polo
there. Oh, but that’s just a story, right? And these guys have tons of money to
burn, so they all get polo ponies and try to live like the guys in The Great
Gatsby.
So, no sooner do they start playing polo, but a headless
horseman starts showing up to beat them to death one by one with a polo mallet,
and then he decapitates them and sends them home on their horse without their
head, which he keeps as a souvenir, and a polo mallet in its place sticking out
of their neck.
And in the end, rather than being a vengeful ghost, it ends
up being a rabid fan of cricket, who had spent so much time trying to get
everyone there to play cricket, he snapped and went insane when they decided to
play polo instead, and he swore revenge (which he got, until the last guy’s
wife, the “final girl”, defeats him at his own game and cracks his skull,
hidden in his jacket, with a cricket bat as he rides past chasing her husband).
Oh, but all of this murder and bloodshed wakes up the
vengeful spirit of the murdered stable groom, and in the last scene, we see him
ride out on a fiery steed from hell, paving the way for Polo Mallet Massacre
2: The Pounding, where he gets his revenge
on all horse riders and owners in the area, culminating in a climactic exorcism
at the Belmont Stakes horse race, eradicating the evil presence, and making the
world safe again for hoity toity horsey stuff!
So, what do you think, Hollywood? Someone is making a new
version of The Great Gatsby now; isn’t
it the right time for the period Jazz Age horrors of Polo Mallet
Massacre? (I heard F. Scott Fitzgerald was
planning on writing Polo Mallet Massacre next, but he just never got around to it.)
And for another sequel, Polo Mallet Massacre 3: The Poloing (Never let it be said that I don’t plan ahead!): A
copycat polo mallet killer is on the loose in modern day Long Island, but this
time, he’s murdering anyone he finds with a polo shirt that has any logo on it
except for the Polo logo (!). So wearers of Lacoste, Tommy Hilfiger, Sean John,
etc., all get massacred, and it’s a veritable bloodbath until one clever cop
stakes out his office, and hearing a horse, realizes it’s Ralph Lauren himself
(in a guest cameo) who’s the killer (!!). And he says he just wants everyone to
look their best, and so the fashion police pull rank and take over the case,
and Ralph Lauren is released, free to design clothes to make the world safe for
affluent casual style again.
See Hollywood? It’s a guaranteed movie franchise! Your next
horror slasher killer series is: Polo Mallet Massacre!
