Monday, November 5, 2012

Polo Mallet Massacre

I was watching The Great Gatsby on TCM, and in the beginning of the movie, we see Sam Waterston coming up to shore in a little motorboat and being met by a polo player on a raging steed holding his polo mallet up as he charges forward to greet him. Well, seeing as how this is the über-rich hoity toity set, and the cultural zeigeist of “eat the rich” being so pervasive these days, I thought it might make a fun slasher-style horror movie to have a polo mallet massacre movie.

So here’s how this might play out: A Rich Wall Street couple buys a big cursed Long Island summer estate near all of their friends, but legend has it that there is the vengeful ghost of a stable groom of polo ponies who was decapitated by his master years ago in a heated argument over infidelity or polo or something, and since that time, no-one has played polo there. Oh, but that’s just a story, right? And these guys have tons of money to burn, so they all get polo ponies and try to live like the guys in The Great Gatsby.

So, no sooner do they start playing polo, but a headless horseman starts showing up to beat them to death one by one with a polo mallet, and then he decapitates them and sends them home on their horse without their head, which he keeps as a souvenir, and a polo mallet in its place sticking out of their neck.

And in the end, rather than being a vengeful ghost, it ends up being a rabid fan of cricket, who had spent so much time trying to get everyone there to play cricket, he snapped and went insane when they decided to play polo instead, and he swore revenge (which he got, until the last guy’s wife, the “final girl”, defeats him at his own game and cracks his skull, hidden in his jacket, with a cricket bat as he rides past chasing her husband).

Oh, but all of this murder and bloodshed wakes up the vengeful spirit of the murdered stable groom, and in the last scene, we see him ride out on a fiery steed from hell, paving the way for Polo Mallet Massacre 2: The Pounding, where he gets his revenge on all horse riders and owners in the area, culminating in a climactic exorcism at the Belmont Stakes horse race, eradicating the evil presence, and making the world safe again for hoity toity horsey stuff!

So, what do you think, Hollywood? Someone is making a new version of The Great Gatsby now; isn’t it the right time for the period Jazz Age horrors of Polo Mallet Massacre? (I heard F. Scott Fitzgerald was planning on writing Polo Mallet Massacre next, but he just never got around to it.)

And for another sequel, Polo Mallet Massacre 3: The Poloing (Never let it be said that I don’t plan ahead!): A copycat polo mallet killer is on the loose in modern day Long Island, but this time, he’s murdering anyone he finds with a polo shirt that has any logo on it except for the Polo logo (!). So wearers of Lacoste, Tommy Hilfiger, Sean John, etc., all get massacred, and it’s a veritable bloodbath until one clever cop stakes out his office, and hearing a horse, realizes it’s Ralph Lauren himself (in a guest cameo) who’s the killer (!!). And he says he just wants everyone to look their best, and so the fashion police pull rank and take over the case, and Ralph Lauren is released, free to design clothes to make the world safe for affluent casual style again.

See Hollywood? It’s a guaranteed movie franchise! Your next horror slasher killer series is: Polo Mallet Massacre!