I just saw a Bud Light ad where the announcer asks: “What does your beer say about you?” Wait a minute! Our beers are talking smack about us when we’re not around? Shit! In this cyber age where all the stores and internet shopping outlets and banks and credit card companies are selling all of our personal information to data miners, spam marketers and identity thieves, I thought that surely our beer would be one product we could interact with without having to worry about it transmitting everything about us to the rest of the world. I mean, I really thought that a relationship with one’s beer would be like that “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” ad idea, but now I have to worry about my beer telling everybody about how it sometimes makes me act inappropriately and throw up, not to mention how I snore and have very regrettable hook-ups from time to time under its influence. How long will it be before my beer is calling the cops on it’s cell phone to tell them that it thinks maybe I’ve had enough of it to be just over the legal limit to drive and have them come looking for me to give me a DUI? You know, I thought I could trust my beer, but now it’s got me all worried about what it’s saying about me behind my back. Well you know what? Screw that snitch beer! Next time I’m drinking Jägermeister; not that it’s necessarily more trustworthy, but it’s always too fucked-up to even remember what happened last night, so I know it’s not going to be able to tell anybody anything about me. And I like that in a beverage.
