The completely shocking and perplexing story about how anyone could possibly catch any kind of infectious disease at a place like the Playboy Mansion has raised the specter of Legionnaires’ disease once again. “What’s Legionnaires’ Disease?” You might very well ask. Well, I’m here to set the record straight about the scourge of Legionnaires’ disease.
Legionnaires’ disease is a disease you catch at the Playboy Mansion. It is caused by contact with the Legionella bacteria. It was originally named for the fact that you’d be likely to catch it from actors and actresses from “foreign legion” movies, like Morocco and Beau Geste, when they were whoring around at the Playboy Mansion. It’s a potentially fatal disease that gives you pneumonia, so perhaps it would be more prudent to go hang around at the Penthouse Penthouse instead. You’re probably safe at either place if you stay away from hot tubs and sex, but if you’re going to do that, then why are you at a place like the Playboy Mansion to begin with? But since Legionella is an airborne pathogen, perhaps the only sure way to be safe is to tie yourself up in a full-body condom like Priscilla Presley and Leslie Nielsen wore in one of the Naked Gun movies. Then you can do whatever you like, if you can hold your breath for long enough. (On second thought, if you can hold your breath for that long, maybe you don’t need to tie yourself up in the big condom; but you never can tell in a place like that.)
There is also a less severe condition caused by the Legionella bacteria called Pontiac fever. This is the kind of thing you catch from fooling around with loose women in the back seat of a Pontiac, explaining why it is named as such. The reason this condition is less severe is that the women you’d get into a Pontiac with are usually not lifelong professional sex-workers like you’d find in a place like the Playboy Mansion. (Unless it’s a hooker: then the thing you’d catch is probably going to be something else.)
Here’s the news story:
