A Catholic exorcist in the Philippines claims that there is an enormous up-tick in demonic possessions lately, stating: “Demons… could enter the human soul through occult and New Age teachings…” It all makes sense now; I was always wondering how people practicing Yoga could stretch themselves into all those contortionist positions, and now it’s perfectly clear: they’re possessed. Remember how in The Exorcist, Regan could turn her head all the way around and stuff? What does that really remind you of when you think about it? It’s Yoga, right? They probably can all do that head-turny-aroundy thingy, since they are all positively possessed by the devil (or demons or whatever). Look at all those other positions they do, too: what believable purpose could they possibly serve other than for a demon to torture somebody with? That proves it right there. So to avoid demonic possession, everyone should switch to doing Pilates instead.
But is Pilates perhaps just as dangerous in inviting demonic possession as Yoga? Think about it: it’s called Pilates, right? And who was it who ordered the crucifixion of Jesus? That’s right: Pontius Pilate! So it’s obviously really Pilate’s exercise program. Sure, they pronounce it differently and take out the apostrophe so that you won’t suspect, but it’s demonstrably true that Pilates is an anti-Christian workout system intended to make you especially vulnerable to demonic possession. And they put the fact that it was designed by the very guy who condemned Jesus Christ to death right there in the name, hiding in plain sight, where you’d least expect to find it! Who else could really be behind such a thing besides the devil, the father of lies? (Surely only Satan would have the chutzpah to put a clue right in the name too, to tease us.) Yes, perhaps Pilates isn’t that safe after all. The only safe plan is to be a couch potato. That's why the words "exercise" and "exorcise" are so similar: when you do one, you're going to need to do the other, too.
