A recent article says that people who sit down are at a 54% higher risk for heart attacks than people who don’t. I'm not making this up; I'll provide a link to the article below. Can the government afford not to ban chairs in homes and the workplace? Actually, this is obviously more imperative than that: isn’t the government guilty of attempted mass murder if they ever allow anyone to sit down? There are studies that prove this is true about sitting down being practically instantaneously lethal. In fact, if you look at the data, it’s clear that 100% of dead people in the United States spent time sitting down, and it’s now apparent that it’s the only thing that could have killed them. What about diseases, accidents and murder? It’s all actually a ruse: furniture has been plotting our destruction and covering it up for years, authorities contend.
So why is our furniture conspiring to murder us all? When you consider that some of our furniture have evolved from torture devices, it’s not all that surprising: the armoire evolved from the iron maiden; the chaise lounge from the dreaded rack; the canopy bed from that bed we always see in gothic horror movies with the spikes and needles that descend down upon the unsuspecting victim; the desk chair evolved from the spiked “chair of torture”, or “Judas Chair”, passing through its phase as the electric chair, before becoming the padded utilitarian instrument we know today, etc. But after evolving from a torture or execution device into a beloved everyday item, why would our furniture become repossessed of a desire to kill? Well, after all, it was originally designed for torture, and it’s still got all those atrocities built into its DNA as genetic memories and primitive urges. And for the chair, think about it: how would you like to have somebody’s ass in your face all the time? It might be enough to make your blood boil after a while too.
Over the years, Hollywood has tried to warn us of the lethal dangers presented by furniture. Death Bed: The Bed that Eats warns about the voracious appetites beds have for human flesh. A Tale of Two Sisters warns of the persistent perniciousness of armoires. 13 Ghosts tried to raise awareness about the ‘death from above’ threat from canopy beds. But it’s the chairs which pose the most serious threat! And the most insidious one, too. You see, while some other types of home furnishings may leave tell-tale signs of violence on their victims, the chairs have found a way to make their murders resemble heart disease/heart attacks. It wasn’t until recently that a connection was even discovered between these vicious murderers (chairs) and their prey. But how do they do it?
Since furniture has nothing to do all day but sit around our homes and offices and plot against us, they have become rather advanced in their methods. Chairs eavesdrop on all our conversations unbeknownst to us. They pick up on our weaknesses and fears. And they seethe with hatred in silence, never having an opportunity to get anything off their, um, chests (?), so they plan our demise meticulously in silence. When we have work to do or need to eat, they sit around trying to look all practical and everything, tricking us into getting in the habit of using them. When we’re full of food, they get extra comfortable so we’ll sit around on them rather than exercising, giving us heart disease. These are their methods: try to act all innocent, harmless, and helpful; lull us into a false sense of security through repeated interaction; get us used to depending on them; and then they strike! And afterwards, they sit around looking all innocent so nobody will suspect them. It’s brilliantly evil: they just hide in plain sight.
But I have a solution! If the government wants to put me in charge of the anti-chair counter-offensive, I will destroy this scourge to humanity with a couple simple tactics that have been shown to be effective in keeping people out of chairs. The first is the Whoopie Cushion: put this on someone’s chair at work and after the fart-sound it makes in front of everyone embarrasses your co-worker, they’ll be sure to stand from then on. If that isn’t effective-enough chair-deterrence, then try the second tactic, which is putting tacks on everybody’s chair every day: this will get people in the habit of suspecting their chairs of harming them, and even if they wanted to sit down, their butt would hurt too much to make it a practical plan. This will destroy the chair’s place in our society and undermine its deadly designs, thus saving millions of lives.
Unfortunately, chairs may have gotten many people close to the breaking point already, and to help counter this threat, I have another strategy: we’ll put moving treadmills in front of all desks and dinner tables in place of chairs. This will get everyone walking themselves back into shape in no time! The chairs’ dastardly plot will be undone, producing a new “curses, foiled again!” moment for enemies of mankind. Problem solved!
This post is based upon the horrific true story of how our chairs are committing and getting away with genocide, found here:
