CSI used to be all the rage, didn’t it? The first CSI show was a phenomenal hit, so they branched it out into a couple of spin-off shows, which were all extremely successful. In fact, they were all some of the top-rated shows on TV. But then all the other networks smelled success and decided to rip it off with shows like Criminal Minds. Even their own network decided to pack its lineup, day after day, with CSI clones like NCIS, and all of its spin-offs, in addition to yet other CSI spin-offs. Now the brand is in need of a little excitement to put it back up on top again. You know, some new blood.
So what better way to get some “new blood” into your show than to tap into the hyper-popular vampire genre before everyone gets bored with that, too. That’s right, I’m talking about the new soon-to-be hit series: CSI: Crime-scene Clean-up Vampires!
After the CSI crew finishes investigating the crime scenes, they all take off, and as the darkness falls and the moon rises, the crime-scene clean-up vampires take over! These are good-guy/gal vampires, with super-sculpted abs and sucked-in cheeks (oh, and low-rise pants, of course! No self-respecting vampire would be without those!), wearing the hottest, most fashionable styles, working within the law to make the world a better place. They still need to drink blood, though, so they decided to volunteer for the crime-scene clean-up unit, where they get to lick up all the blood of murder and accident victims from streets, floors, carpets, couch pillows, etc. All night long, they lick it up until there’s not a trace of blood left. So basically the highlight of every show is super-hot vampires licking up blood from stuff and rolling around in orgasmic ecstasy, while the hottest, hippest new music plays on the soundtrack; it will be a lot like a music video, actually (most of you won’t even notice the difference).
But that’s not all! Just like the forced subplots about alcoholism, drugs, and gambling addiction from the original CSI shows, CSI: Crime-scene Clean-up Vampires will have obvious soap-opera plot devices like a vampire who wants to drink fresh blood from a live human and does it secretly (getting them all suspected of being the culprit), a vampire who gets hepatitis or something from licking up the wrong blood, etc. Oh, and who says a vampire can’t have a gambling problem too? Perhaps in this show, they can really drive home the dangers of gambling and how it renders your judgment suspect by having a gambling-addict vampire get so obsessed with a poker game in a casino that he plays until after sunrise, and then he goes outside in the sun and dies. That’ll learn ‘em!
That’s CSI: Crime-scene Clean-up Vampires! Coming soon to a timeslot near you! (Check your local listings.)
