President Obama went on TV today to talk about the looming government shutdown. (That would make a good name for a punk rock band, huh: Government Shutdown. It sounds like a punk band from the 80s that would have complained about the Reagan administration, doesn’t it?) He said that nobody wants a government shutdown, and that a shutdown wouldn’t be good for anyone, mentioning people who need to go get a passport or people who want to visit a national monument. But what if you’re a guy who is being forced into visiting his in-laws who he doesn’t like for the whole summer in some ridiculously hot and humid place like Ecuador? Well, if the government shut down, he could say that he can’t get his passport, and maybe then he could get out of having to go. And say you’re some young kid who would rather sit around playing “Living Dead Carnage Fest” or whatever on your X-Box all day when your parents want to drag you out to spend all day whining and bored out of your skull at some national memorial park. Then if the government shut down, you wouldn’t have to go and you could massacre zombies all day like you want to. There are probably also some government workers who hate their jobs, but because of the way the federal government wastes our tax dollars, they still get paid whether they have to go to work or not. I’ll bet they wouldn’t mind if the government shut down for weeks and they could just stay home and drink beer, eat Doritos and watch Jersey Shore or whatever. And if the government shut down, they couldn’t drag us into anymore stupid quagmire wars for a while, so that would be good for us all. They also couldn’t pass any new spending bills for a few days, and that might help with the debt problem. We also would be spared hearing these elected jerks spouting off spin, lies, and PR-written talking points for a few days, and that might be nice too. So for the president to say that it wouldn’t be good for anyone is really an exaggeration. Like usual, it’s mostly spin.
Here’s another example the President mentioned for a downside of a government shutdown: the Office of Food Safety. Nobody wants that to shut down, right? I mean, they’re always doing such a good job, yes? Nobody ever gets sick or dies from Salmonella or whatever other food-borne illness. Oh, wait, yes they do! Never mind. Maybe it really wouldn’t make that much of a difference if they shut down for a while. But wait, wouldn’t the evil corporations see that as an opportunity to strike with poisoned food and stuff to kill us all? That would be great for their profits when it comes to light who is responsible. After all, what corporation doesn’t love the bad press and PR disaster of a poisoning scandal, and even better, the opportunity to pay huge fines and legal settlements? But, actually, this might be a good time for the evil corporations to strike if they did it in the right way. What they should do is just make a counterfeit approval seal from the Office of Food Safety, and just stamp it on the poisoned food while the food safety regulators are out of commission during the government shutdown. Then when people got sick from eating it, the evil corporation could just point to the safety approval seal and then use the scandal to de-fang the regulatory agency and then they could just produce food in the cheapest, dirtiest, most dangerous and poisonous ways possible. See how easy it would be? Gee, maybe I should go work for the Republicans, huh. Aren’t they supposedly in bed with big corporations and always trying to relax or remove regulations?
But wait, maybe I should go work for the Democrats, because they’re supposedly always trying to grow the size and intrusion of the government ridiculously, right? So how’s this for an idea to improve the Office of Food Safety: change it to the Office of Food Tasting. Then just have a federal government official in everyone’s home, workplace or restaurant at meal time, and have them taste all the food everyone is going to eat before they eat it: if he falls down dead, you know that there’s probably something wrong with the food; if he survives, it’s probably fine to eat. Wouldn’t that be way safer than the system we have now? And we really need a jobs program that actually creates jobs! Well, this one would create a lot of new jobs, and the best part of it is that whenever some government food-taster dies from poisoned food, bingo: a new job is created! So it’s a win/win for the President, I’d say. So what do you think? Maybe I should be the President’s new jobs czar? At least I don’t ship jobs overseas and manipulate tax policy so that I don’t pay any taxes (yet! I will do that tax policy manipulation thingy to avoid paying taxes once I get that cushy jobs czar post, though! {Hey, you know you would too! You might as well admit it.}).
