A recent article online has put a bright, sparking, ultra-white spotlight on the potential dangers of tooth-whiteners. Many people complain of intense pain, extreme temperature-sensitivity, and damage to their tooth enamel as a result of tooth-whitening. I always knew that these tooth-whiteners used bleach to make your teeth “dynamite white, dynamite fresh”. Oh, sorry, actually I guess that’s something else that gets your teeth all dynamitey*. I was just confused because dynamite would also damage your teeth. Anyway, it’s easy to get your teeth super white without risking intense pain and damage to your tooth enamel!
So, how do you get gleaming, blindingly white teeth without using bleach? It’s simple: use Liquid Paper! All you have to do is brush it on and let it dry, and it leaves your teeth their ultra whitiest. It’s just that easy! Some nit-pickers have pointed out that you’d have a matte smile then, so then I guess for those of you superficial enough to notice such things, you could paint a layer of clear nail polish on top of the Liquid Paper. That might work, right? Um, I mean, that works great!**
Some people ask me: “Hey, man, like, how can you paint Liquid Paper on your teeth, man? It’s bad for you!” Well, that’s easy: I don’t. I’m not even recommending it. Hell, what do I care about getting extra-white teeth? I’m not a tooth-white-supremacist like all of you! (You’re getting what you deserve for your tooth-color bigotry.) All I’m saying is if you want to avoid dissolving your tooth enamel, and you must make your teeth absolutely, completely, positively the ultimate in gleaming white, then use Liquid Paper. Hey, it’s got to be safer, right?**
Here’s just one article about it, and if it doesn’t make you stop and think before you bleach your teeth, perhaps you should have your head examined. (And your teeth.):
* Here’s the ad for the stuff that gets your teeth “dynamite white, dynamite fresh!”:
** Safety not established. Don’t blame me if you do it and it kills you.
