There was a UEFA Champions League game today between Manchester United and Chelsea, and before the game, one of the analysts said of Chelsea: “They’re going to have to score some goals if they want to win.” This is the kind of insightful expertise that makes sports commentators indispensable to athletics enthusiasts. I thought that surely a team could bribe someone and win, if they offered enough money; there are people being arrested for this sort of thing here and there, so I know it happens. Or perhaps they could kidnap the opposing coach’s wife or kids, and that way induce the other team to kick the ball into their own net. Even getting a gang of thugs to injure enough of the opposing players to force a forfeit could be a way, I thought, for a team to win without having to score any goals. But that’s why these sports experts are so important. How else was I going to be able to find out that teams need to score goals to win in soccer?
