Apple’s iSpy

Yes, that’s right: your Apple iPhone and iPad are keeping track of where you are, where you go, where you’ve been, when you’ve been there, and what you do there. And then they tell me. So I’m on to you (you know who you are…), and I’m tellin’. Nyah.

It strikes me that this would be a great system to blackmail people, etc. I mean, right? Hey, with the economy in recession and their profits sagging, Apple really needs to come up with that new magic revenue creator like they found in iTunes and the iPhone. So that’s what iSpy could be for them. It works in two ways: foreign governments, spies and assassins can subscribe to the service to find out where all their adversaries are and what they’re up to so they can spy on them, kidnap them, assassinate them, etc., and then Apple charges a hefty fee for the information service, and then covering it all up. Sounds good, right? But there’s more!

Apple’s iSpy could also be used for jealous spouses, divorce lawyers, and blackmailers! This data plan provides not only location tracking information, but also has a special service that listens into and records all of the target person’s calls, as well as keeping records of what apps they use, etc., so they can prove infidelity, an affair, illicit activities, or blackmail them about whatever they find out later! It’s just a simple subscription plan that you secretly add to your current iPhone account, and will be billed discreetly as “app store purchases”. Attach it to any phone and give it as a gift! What could be easier?

Hey, this could be that next big “eureka” technology that shoots Apple’s stock prices through the roof again! If you don’t like it, then get a Jitterbug phone, you loser!

See?:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2011/apr/20/iphone-tracking-prompts-privacy-fears

(BTW: This joke post has ended up being quite prophetic, actually, as news reports at the end of 2013 suggest the NSA has been hacking into everyone’s smartphones to spy on us.)