Apparently Trojans is marketing a new product (a vibrator) called the “Tri-phoria Massager”. I don’t know much about vibrators, but the ads they are showing on cable television are building them up to be some sort of phenomenal experience. Maybe they’re right, but I’d say especially if that’s the truth, isn’t this an ill-conceived business plan for Trojans? I mean, think about what their primary product is: condoms. What is it about condoms that might make them a good product for strong sales? Yes, that’s right: it’s the fact that they are a disposable item that can be used only one time. So you have to buy and use another new one for each, shall we say, experience. And since the experience can sometimes be a very brief one, especially at first, that’s so much sooner that you’d be in need of making another purchase, especially if you wanted to have another experience, or if the last experience wasn’t enough for you.
And so you see how it would be a profitable business plan for Trojans to make, market and sell condoms. But since the, um, experience, can at times be brief or disappointing, or awkward, or whatever, especially for the ladies; is it really a good business plan to introduce something that you really only have to purchase once that promises to be much more consistent and fulfilling than the actual experience? What if that product proves to be so much preferable to the actual experience that the ladies decided to forgo it altogether and from then on simply stick to the, um, massager? Wouldn’t your company stand to lose a whole lot of consistent, reliable profit from the sales of condoms? I suppose you could still get some takers if you advertised the importance of changing the condoms in a guy’s wallet every so often, but really, isn’t this a big business risk? I suppose if you said that the ladies needed to put a fresh condom on the massager each and every time they used it just like with the real thing, you’d still sell a bunch of condoms, but why take the risk? I think you guys at Trojans really ought to consider altering your ads for the Tri-phoria Massager to say, rather, that the Tri-phoria Massager is nice and all for when you’re all alone, but not nearly as good as the real thing! Then you’d stand to make much more money on your main staple product. And you’d also give us guys a break! After all, a massager doesn’t snore, leave the toilet seat up or leave hairs on the soap, etc. So is this really fair? I mean, to your stockholders, that is.
And so you see how it would be a profitable business plan for Trojans to make, market and sell condoms. But since the, um, experience, can at times be brief or disappointing, or awkward, or whatever, especially for the ladies; is it really a good business plan to introduce something that you really only have to purchase once that promises to be much more consistent and fulfilling than the actual experience? What if that product proves to be so much preferable to the actual experience that the ladies decided to forgo it altogether and from then on simply stick to the, um, massager? Wouldn’t your company stand to lose a whole lot of consistent, reliable profit from the sales of condoms? I suppose you could still get some takers if you advertised the importance of changing the condoms in a guy’s wallet every so often, but really, isn’t this a big business risk? I suppose if you said that the ladies needed to put a fresh condom on the massager each and every time they used it just like with the real thing, you’d still sell a bunch of condoms, but why take the risk? I think you guys at Trojans really ought to consider altering your ads for the Tri-phoria Massager to say, rather, that the Tri-phoria Massager is nice and all for when you’re all alone, but not nearly as good as the real thing! Then you’d stand to make much more money on your main staple product. And you’d also give us guys a break! After all, a massager doesn’t snore, leave the toilet seat up or leave hairs on the soap, etc. So is this really fair? I mean, to your stockholders, that is.
Okay, Trojans, I’ll tell you what: change the advertising of the massager like I suggested, and I won’t go on about the appropriateness of your company’s name. What’s wrong with Trojans as a name for a brand of condoms, you might ask? Well, what happened to the Trojans historically? Well, let’s see; oh, that’s right: they let someone trick them into putting something foreign inside of their city walls, and once it was inside, dangerous, deadly stuff poured out of it and destroyed their city and killed most of them. Now what kind of thing might that sound like an analogy of? Oh, I know: ill-advised sex with a condom that breaks and gives you a disease! The term “Trojan Horse” is well-known to refer to something that looks harmless enough but that releases pernicious stuff when brought inside of something. Is it beginning to sound like an ironic and ill-conceived name for a condom manufacturer yet? I thought it might. Well, I’ll keep this to myself if you’ll give the guys a break and stop making the vibrator look so great. Is it a deal?
