As we all know by now, Lance Armstrong has been stripped of his cycling titles, and banned for life from the sport of cycling. But after he went on a recent cycling event for his charity, the world cycling body also banned him for life from wearing those spandex bike shorts, claiming that looking like an idiot in skintight spandex shorts is an honor reserved only for cyclists in good standing. He’s not even allowed to wear them underneath other clothes like underwear. And that’s a problem, because once you get used to your shorts hugging your junk for so long, it becomes addictive. And Armstrong may have no choice but to begin wearing Speedo weenie bikinis to get that same squeezing feeling. Or else maybe he’ll have to wear women’s spandex, or maybe even 1980s hair metal band spandex pants. In fact, maybe the hair metal spandex pants would be a better fit: after all, heavy metal doesn’t seem to mind if people use banned substances or performance enhancing drugs, so he’s much less likely to be banned from wearing those spandex pants. (Although I do think there is a big hair requirement for wearing skintight spandex hair metal pants. But maybe they’ll allow him just to wear a big fluffy wig, seeing as how he’s so famous and so naughty.)
This cycling shorts ban comes on the heels of another lifetime ban from the world cycling federation, that one being a lifetime ban from using any bicycles that look cool. Thus Armstrong may not ride racing bikes, 10-speed bikes, BMX bikes, or even fun children’s tricycles like Big Wheels or Green Machines. According to the cycling governing body, in order to participates in cycle rides for charity, he may only ride little girly tricycles or the silly penny-farthing bikes from the old days. And the cycling group said that being forced to ride a penny-farthing bike while wearing skintight spandex hair metal pants is the most severe penalty ever meted out to a cyclist for any transgression in the history of competitive cycling. (He might also have to pay back millions of dollars, but after all, that’s only money.)
Here is a penny-farthing bike, for those of you who don’t know what they are:
(BTW: I don’t mean to bust on Lance Armstrong so much, as he’s done a lot of good too, but he sure is in the news a lot these days.)
