The USADA has released a 200-page report, based upon 1,000 pages of testimony and other evidence, claiming Lance Armstrong’s cycling team ran the world’s most sophisticated doping ring. And you know what that means: while he’ll be stripped of his cycling championships, the USADA admits he is a legitimate world champion, at least in sophisticated illegal doping schemes. And they can’t take that away from him!
But how do we know these accusations are true? Maybe competing cyclists would pedal past Armstrong and shoot him up with stuff during the race just to get him in trouble. (Those fiends!) And with the syringe just sticking out of his leg or his butt, he had to dispose of it secretly or else it would look as though he was intentionally using performance-enhancing substances; but it was never actually him who did it (!). Hey, you never know, man: it seems plausible to me. (But seriously: what I can’t understand is how the race officials didn’t notice needle marks all over him if he was really shooting up blood boosters constantly. Needles leave marks, you know. Wouldn’t he have track marks all over? {I always wondered why people called them track marks, but I guess it’s from racing?})
Also in this report is the revelation that the yellow shirt for Tour de France leaders is yellow to represent the color of urine: a salute to the drug-testers who keep the sport free of cheating. (Okay, maybe not exactly free of cheating, but rather, free for cheating, I guess.)
Here’s the story:
