…And you’ll be dead! (Horror movie music, please.)
Yes, now NPR is soliciting its listeners to put NPR in their
wills (!). And you know what that means, right? Well, have you ever seen those
silly suspense/horror movies where people are trying to kill someone for their
fortune? Well, that’s what your life will be like if you put NPR in your will!
Before you know it, Melissa Block and Ira Flatow will hound you to an early
grave! (Or else, if you’re already dead, Neal Conan and Linda Wertheimer will
drive your children insane for their inheritance, just like in other bad horror
movies! {It is a little-known fact that all of these
drive-someone-insane-for-their-inheritance movies are based upon true
stories about NPR!})
Look, they’re on the
radio, so you can’t see their blood-stained hands of death and the guilt in
their eyes! But just listen to their voices: you can just tell by listening to
them that they’d just as soon kill you as talk to you through the radio about
boring sh!t all day! Their bloodlust and avarice know no bounds! I’m telling
you, if you leave your estate to NPR, your life won’t be worth a conservative’s
chance at NPR! (And that’s worse than an ice-cube’s chance in hell! {Not the Ice Cube, just an ice-cube.})
Why do you think all the killers in slasher movies wear
masks? It’s because they don’t want you to know that it’s really Ira Glass
behind the mask! After tricking naïve idealistic young liberals to put NPR in
their wills, he goes to collect by killing them! (Oh, the humanity!) In fact,
all those slasher movies are really documentaries of what really happens during the fund drives! It’s a liberal
Hollywood conspiracy to hide the truth from you so you’ll put NPR in your will!
But if you do fall for this murderous trick, you could
always make contact from beyond the grave with some multi-cultural
psychic/medium/poet/finger-painter, and then you could reveal all and point the
accusing finger at them from beyond on All Things Considered.
(BTW: This is just a joke, and as an avid NPR listener, I
have to apologize for this joke at their expense. But I couldn’t help but think
of it, especially so close to Halloween, when William Castle movies run amok by
night, and bloodlust and candylust are in the air…)
