Satan Offers Reverse Mortgages on Souls

The selling of one's soul to the devil has really gotten a bad rap, through books and movies and theater as well as morality plays and church sermons, which is why Satan is now offering a new deal in spiritual commerce: reverse mortgages! Yes, now you can continue to use your soul while also reaping rewards both financial and fantastical. Gone are the days of having your every wish turn to a torturous worst-case scenario that adheres only to the letter of the request, or dying young and finding yourself damned for all eternity, regretting your hasty business deal or failing to read the fine print. Yes, now there's no more fine print, no hassle, and no turnabout on your deal. Simply sign in your own blood and reap the rewards of your wildest dreams and fantasies while still enjoying the use and possession of your own soul for as long as you were pre-destined to live: it's just that easy! You can't afford to pass up this limited-time offer! And unless you believe in a literal Hell, there's literally no risk to you! (At least, not to your physical body, anyway.) So sign up for a reverse mortgage with Satan on your soul today! It's your soul, cash in on it your way, when you want to, with Devilish Derivatives, LLC! With just one phone call, you can have the devil's own luck today, and for the rest of your life, which will no longer be cut short with maniacal gloating laughter as you are cast into the lake of fire. No, this is the new, customer-service Satan, and he really wants to earn your business! He may be the father of lies, but you can trust him this time: it's guaranteed! And each reverse mortgage comes with a satisfaction or your soul back guarantee. So what are you waiting for? Call today, for the deal of a lifetime (and beyond, with eternal damnation thrown in free of charge)!