The USAA auto insurance ads always show some kids saying how
they got to inherit their parents’ USAA insurance, saying stuff like they got
it orbiting the moon, or fighting in Korea, etc. But I wonder why the kids
don’t reference slightly less heroic-sounding ways for them to have gotten it? After
all, not all armed service is as distinguished as what these ads generally list.
Looking at this scenario from a war protester’s point of view might come across a
little bit differently. So in the interest of absurdity, here’s what it might sound like had the ad creatives been
anti-military-types:
One kid could say: “I got mine pouring thousands of gallons
of cancer-causing Agent Orange on Vietnam in 1968.” Then another would say: “I
got mine abusing and sexually humiliating detainees at Abu Ghraib prison in
Iraq, 2004.” And another kid could say: “I got mine blasting tropical paradises
off the map and irradiating the ocean in a series of H-Bomb tests in the 1950s.
When I was younger, I could swear it looked like Granddaddy was glowing
sometimes.” And yet another could say: “I got mine illegally smuggling weapons
to Nicaraguan Contra death squads in 1984. Daddy’s been wrestling with his conscience
over it for years, but at least I got this great car insurance!”
But for all my smartassity above (Those things all really
happened, though: I’m not making any of that up. But it’s the policy that was
the problem, and not the fault of those following orders in good faith believing
they’re honorably serving our nation in a time of crisis.), I very much
appreciate the service of our brave military men & women, and there are
even more heroic things the ads could use, like a kid saying: “I got mine
hunting down and eliminating terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden in Pakistan,
2011.” And another kid could say: “I got mine ending the genocide in Bosnia,
1994.” And yet another kid could say: “I got mine liberating a Nazi concentration
camp in Germany, 1945.” But despite how heroic the service, they probably still
get their cars spit on by hippie anti-war activists who yell: “Baby killer!” at
them as they drive by.
Here’s an example of the kind of USAA commercial I’m
referring to here (And despite my cynical jokes, these are extremely cute &
sweet ads):
