Hey, man: we all know what’s going on here, man! TV sex is getting much more explicit, especially for younger characters, and Republicans are trying to argue against contraceptives and abortion. Well, we all know what’s going on here, don’t we? Well, isn’t it obvious? Republicans want to make contraceptives illegal to punish people for watching steamy sex scenes and then acting out their carnal desires, so then they will learn it’s evil, or at least inconvenient in the long run when they get pregnant. But then the Republicans are falling right into the Democrats’ trap! Right? (I know you see where this is going, right? How could you miss it?)
Okay, so for those of you who are not on the same page with me so far, we have this cultural divide between women’s reproductive rights and prurient conservative values that say sex is evil, right? Well, this is what you’re supposed to think about! But remember when Jon Stewart said President Obama is some Jedi Master who thinks many moves ahead of everyone else? Well, this might explain it, because in thinking ahead on this, he’s lost track of most everything else, and that’s why we’re in such bad shape. But I digress.
Anyway, the point I’m making is this: One of the reasons America is on such a perilous financial spending course is that the “baby boomers” are retiring, and they outnumber the next generation by a huge margin. So that’s why our social programs are currently unsustainable: there aren’t enough people to pay into them as need to take payments out: get it? So here’s the secret plan: President Obama wants to get all his propagandists in the media to make as many sexually-explicit TV shows as possible, and at the same time secretly encourage Republicans to make birth control and abortion illegal, so everyone will get pregnant at once and not be able to get an abortion. That way, we’ll have the next generation of Americans be large enough to financially support the social programs the Democrats have been putting in place, and they’ll never have to admit they’re unsustainable!
See, it is brilliant after all! The only problem is, they’ve spent so much time setting this situation up, we’re screwed in many more other ways than they ever would have suspected! But who cares? We’ll all be dead by December 21st of this year anyway, so what difference does it make? And by that logic, why not just do whatever we want from now on? See: President Obama really is a lefty radical after all, just like the ‘60s hippies, who said “if it feels good, do it!”! So he is responsible for all the sexy stuff on TV: I knew it!
(This is a joke, I hope you all realize. But it’s argued well enough for me to get a job on talk radio, don't you think? I enjoy inventing silly fake conspiracies, so I might fit right in!)
