Jay Carney confirmed Wednesday that President Obama did not allow news reporters access to a recent golf outing with Tiger Woods because “The President didn’t want to be drooled on” for his golf game due to the embarrassment of Tiger Woods seeing it in person.
The White House confirms that the news reporters’ fawning and drooling all over the president has become tedious and difficult for President Obama, especially seeing as how he cannot be re-elected to another term as president. “Just leave me alone, already! You served your purpose in spinning everything my way and getting me re-elected, but seriously: enough is enough already! I am married, you know! It’s starting to get creepy, so seriously, just get a life already!”, said the president, according to administration officials.
Republicans have already launched a probe into the high cost of the president’s dry cleaning bills due to dried saliva stains from news media reporters’ fawning. Republicans in Congress pointed out: “President George W. Bush never had such bills for dry cleaning the drool off of his suits and shining kisses and lipstick off of his shoes, so why does President Obama need so much of this kind of cleaning services? If President Bush could find a strategic way to turn the press against him to save money on cleaning bills, why can’t President Obama? This is significantly adding to the budget deficit in a time of crisis for the national debt.”
This drool stain issue has become such a problem that Scotchgard has offered President Obama an endorsement deal whereby all of his suits would be treated with Scotchgard to resist the saliva soaking and staining from the drooling of fawning news reporters, sweetening the deal with an offer of free dry cleaning for life for the stains that manage to make it through the Scotchgard. But Constitutional scholars maintain that the situation notwithstanding, accepting such a deal would be paramount to bribery, so until he’s out of the presidency, Barack Obama will simply have to grin and bear the excessive fawning and drooling of news reporters and all of the resulting consequences to his clothes.
