Marco Rubio had to take a sip of water during his State of the Union response speech last night. This is a huge story!* (I'm kidding: He probably just had cotton mouth.)
Hey: A-Ha! He must have been stoned! So that's why Republicans oppose the legalization of marijuana: so nobody will suspect that they're secretly all potheads! I knew it!
But perhaps because he was stoned, Sen. Rubio missed an important opportunity to promote gun rights in an understated manner. What he should have done was to use a water pistol instead of a water bottle. He could have gotten a water pistol that looked just like a real pistol, and every time his throat got dry, he could have put it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. That way, he could have shown everyone how useful squirt guns can be, and how well guns mix with drinking. And he could have done it in an almost subliminal way, because surely no-one would have noticed the difference between the bottle and the water pistol, right? Plus, it would have been a great metaphor for how the Republican Party has been shooting themselves in the foot by running off at the mouth about stuff like rape and abortion, so it could look like he's trying to shoot his mouth before it can dig him into a hole spouting dumb stuff in another catastrophic Republican unforced error-style gaffe comment.
* It must be an extremely important, nay, critical news story; otherwise why is it getting so much press from the actual press? I guess this kind of TMZ-style story is easier than investigative journalism or critical coverage of the current administration's policies, so this is what we'll be getting instead. Or is it just that the news people mostly hate Republicans and are looking for excuses to embarrass and/or smear them? Nah, that couldn't be it. Could it?
Thirsty for more on this momentous event? Try this story for maximum schadenfreude:
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2013/02/marco-rubio-water-bottle-moment.html
