A spokeswoman says: “We know all your investments may not be
with Fidelity” in the opening of this new TV commercial for Fidelity
Investments. Then she goes on to say that even so, they can still help you see
the big picture with the Fidelity Guided Portfolio Summary. But if you’re
investing behind their back, isn’t that (Gasp!) infidelity?
Well, I must say, they seem to be taking this revelation
that we’re all cheating on them by investing with other financial institutions
behind their back pretty well. Or are
they? Isn’t it just possible that this “guided portfolio summary” is just a
sneaky way for them to spy on what we’re doing with other companies? And then,
once they know what we’re up to, that they’ll throw a monkey wrench into our
financial dalliances out of jealousy?
Then maybe they could sink our investments to get revenge
for us cheating on them with other investment groups. You know the old saying:
“Hell hath no fury like a financial institution scorned.” What do you think the
Wall St. meltdown was all about anyway? They said it was fraudulent credit
default swaps and irresponsible loans to cover their butts, but what it really
was was jealous revenge! Yes, with their newer computer networks monitoring
everyone’s investments, banks everywhere found out we were all unfaithful to
them by investing with multiple banks and brokerage firms, and they got jealous
and lashed out with petulant revenge. And that’s why all the banks want to be
such huge conglomerates: if they all merge into one entity, it will be
impossible for us to get involved with other banks behind their back, and they
can own us completely by trapping us in their gilded cage.
Sadly, this commercial is not available to view online from
what I can tell. But it’s on TV, so turn your TV on, and don’t look away until
you finally see it! You’ll know it because it’s got a blonde woman in a brown
dress (I know: a brown dress?) on a
white background, and there are tons of computer-generated graphs and charts in
green, blue and yellow.
