Hey, America loves fast food, right? So why not have a movie
about the American Revolution using fast food company advertising
characters/mascots? It would be perfect! Here’s how it would work:
The Burger King (and the Dairy Queen) would push us too far
here in the American colonies with their monarchal oppression, and so heroic
Mayor McCheese would encourage all the fast food characters to band together to
fight for independence! Wendy would sew up a new American flag, Ronald McDonald
would keep the kids entertained and raise everyone’s morale with all his
clowning around, Jack in the Box would plan a surprise attack, and the Noid
would engage in sabotage against the enemy while the Hamburglar stole all the
enemy’s food and weapons. And the Godfather (from Godfather’s Pizza) would use
his mob to covertly attack the enemy and smuggle weapons and supplies to our
armed forces on the front lines. And of course Little Caesar would lead the
troops of Grimace, Chuck E. Cheese, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, the
Wienerschnitzel wiener, Popeye, the Panda from Panda Express, El Pollo Loco’s
crazy chicken, Roy Rogers, the Five Guys, etc. (Caesar was a brilliant military
strategist, and being little would give him a Napoleon complex so he’d be twice
as aggressive!) And, last but not least, Long John Silver would ambush the
enemy’s navy on the high seas!
Just think of it! Everyone would be a winner, and the battle
would be won in 30 minutes or less, or else we’re free!
And in this way, fast food companies could show us that
they’re just as American as Marie Callender’s (or a McDonald’s) Apple Pie, and
the government push against fast food as unhealthy would look positively
unpatriotic! (It’s the only way to push back for fast food chains, unless they
want to start serving healthier food, which would be treason against The
American Way, which is to Super Size It!)
