A few days ago, in the wake of the numerous recent spree shootings, a representative from Texas (Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal. Surprisingly, he is a Republican. Go figure.) claimed that ping-pong is more dangerous than guns. This exposed a dangerous and deadly fact of life in Texas society they have tried to play down: ping-pong deaths in Texas are the highest in the nation. And that being the case, I think we really need to raise awareness about this deadly problem, you know, out of a sense of responsibility. We can be the generation that forever ends the scourge of ping-pong related deaths once and for all! And as we all know, there is no better way to raise awareness about a problem in society than to make a horror movie about it, to scare people into doing something about it. After all, ever since the film The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, chain saw massacres dropped off to their lowest level in decades. And once people stopped taking the threat seriously enough and Texas saw an uptick in chain saw massacres again, concerned filmmakers produced a remake of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
So to save the innocent young lives lost to ping-pong every year in Texas, I propose making a movie to raise awareness of the issue: The Texas Ping-Pong Massacre. In this movie, a group of unwary teenagers get lost in backwoods Texas and stumble upon a local rural gymnasium with an apparent flurry of activity inside. Hoping to ask directions from the locals, our doomed heroes enter the gymnasium only to find that it is being used for (Gasp!) ping-pong (!!!). And once through that door, it is too late for them to extricate themselves: the inbred locals viciously assail them with deadly ping-pong! Ball after cruel ball is served at them, bouncing off of them one-by-one with the taunting hollow sound that torments them body and soul! Needless to say, none of them survive, proving once and for all that ping-pong is deadlier than guns, at least in Texas. (If only one of them had been armed with a ping-pong paddle and some ping-pong balls of their own, maybe they would have had a fighting chance and they might have escaped with their lives, for only a good guy with a ping-pong paddle can stop a bad guy using ping-pong as a weapon.)
