Tonight at my family Christmas shindig, I saw something disturbing. The children at this party were enjoying two holiday staples: gingerbread men and gingerbread houses. But where are the gingerbread women? Oh, I suppose their place is in the gingerbread kitchen, eh gingerbread industry? How come only the gingerbread men get any face time with holiday revelers? Or are they simply the realtors for the gingerbread houses? Well let me tell you something: women have equal rights in our society, and if gingerbread men are continuing the era of gender inequality and repression, then perhaps we won't even chew their legs, arms, and heads off anymore, you sexist pigs! How dare you attempt to indoctrinate our children with subtle sexist propaganda!
But maybe I'm being overly hasty and reactionary here. Perhaps these gingerbread men are not repressing the gingerbread women so much as they are sacrificing themselves to ensure their safety. After all, it's the gingerbread men who get gobbled up by children, masticated while yet alive, screaming their desperate silent screams of protest, all to distract kids from devouring the gingerbread women the gingerbread men so love and cherish.
But even so, isn't this just like inequality in the military or something? Are these gingerbread men suggesting that gingerbread women are not capable of fending for themselves? The nerve of these chauvinists, automatically assuming gingerbread women are inferior! Well, I never! And perhaps these gingerbread men even consider themselves superior in every aspect, including flavor, texture, deliciousness, simply based upon their gender? Talk about gender bias! Shame on these troglodytes!
This bigotry shall not stand! Sexism has no place in our cookie treats! From now on, in the interest of gender equality, I say we must have both gingerbread men and gingerbread women, or else we should ban them in favor of ginger snaps from now on, or at least until gingerbread views on gender equality evolve to a more equitable policy. As it stands now, these gingerbread men seem just as misogynist as the Taliban, leading me to wonder: is this the new threat to our democracy? Are gingerbread men trying to end women's suffrage and replace it with women's suffering? Well if that's the case, then there's only one thing to do with these chauvinist cookies: chew them up and spit them out!
