Bonded by Bond

In this thrilling ensemble cast action movie, the producers of the James Bond movie series are kidnapped by terrorists, and everyone who has ever had a major role in a Bond movie bands together to save them. But because they're actors, and not actually spies or assassins or anything, things get crazy, difficult, complicated, etc., and nothing goes as planned. But because there are plenty of hot Bond Girls and famous faces, they can get lots accomplished merely by signing a few autographs and posing for some selfies.

Our fledgling action heroes are unyielding in their purpose and ultimately successful because they are bonded by the most unbreakable Bond of them all: James Bond!

It's all the crazy James Bond-style action you can handle, with lots of the names and faces that made the Bond films great! It's Bonded by Bond: Coming soon to a theater near you!

Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Movie

We all love the board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, right? Well, so many other games have movies made of them (even Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots got a movie, but it was called Real Steel), but where's the movie for Hungry Hungry Hippos? It could be one of those "nature strikes back" horror movies where evil illegal land developers are encroaching on their habitat, and brutal poachers are hunting the elephants and rhinos all to the brink of extinction, and the hippos have had enough, so they go on a brutal blood-soaked rampage, biting every human they run into, and then they invade a poacher camp, killing them all and dismembering them with their viselike jaws of death and then eating them all in a gory display of wanton carnage, and then they lap up all the blood with their huge hippo tongues. And they decide they enjoyed that so much, next they're going to invade a whole city and see how many humans they can kill before they're stopped. It would be absolute gory justice for man's misdeeds to nature, and as such it would be wildly popular with the environmental gorehound crowd. And it would also serve as a huge and high profile advertisement for the game Hungry Hungry Hippos, which would make kids love it even more than ever!

I'm an S.O.B. with C.O.P.D.

Over the summer I saw ads for some C.O.P.D. medication where people were saying stuff like: "I'm a Ph.D. with C.O.P.D.", and other initialed titles. But they were all good things! What if we're not good people; by leaving us out, maybe we will feel excluded and not want to buy their product. So I think they need to make a new ad for jerks, with statements like: "I'm an S.O.B. with C.O.P.D.", "I'm a P.O.S. with C.O.P.D.", etc. That way, they'll have all their bases covered, and they won't make anyone feel left out.

Flintstones Valentines?

When I was a kid, there were lots of Peanuts and Boynton greeting cards, so I wonder if there were Flintstones greeting cards when that show was on Prime Time. And if so, did the valentines say stuff like: “You Rock!”, “You’re My Yabba-Dabba Dude!”, and “You Make My Heart Go: 'Bam Bam'!”?

DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket Landing Ad

Well, that's going to piss off the neighbors. We see some Eagles fan flying in and landing like Superman from Man of Steel, and when he impacts the ground, the whole neighborhood gets trashed like an earthquake hit it. (Leave it to the Eagles to have fans with super powers but not players.)

Well, this is all DirecTV's fault, and their damn NFL Sunday Ticket! So they're going to have to pay for all that damage. And seeing this ad will likely spur many neighborhood associations across the country to ban the NFL Sunday Ticket, or maybe even ban DirecTV altogether! Oh well, it's their own fault for showing everyone how destructive it is, and in an ad they're paying for, too!

(Just kidding: fun ad. But the underlying message I'm getting here is really that NFL Sunday Ticket will cause a lot of problems for the neighbors of those who subscribe to it. I wonder if anyone else will notice this subtle presentation of the possible downside to living near an NFL Sunday Ticket subscriber?)

Oh, and according to this presentation from DirecTV, I guess we're to assume that we can always leave it to an Eagles fan to make everyone say: "There goes the neighborhood!"

Here's the hard landing spot (Maybe the truth is that he was trying to commit suicide by jumping from an airplane without a parachute due to the performance of the Eagles?):

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7RHj/directv-nfl-sunday-ticket-landing

(BTW: I'm only teasing Eagles fans. I love Philadelphia! I went to college right near there.)

Boost Rocket Booster Ad (Proposed)

In this proposed ad for Boost, we’d see an animated cartoon of a rocket blasting off into space, and the rocket boosters for the different stages of the rocket are bottles of Boost. And as they get used up, they fall off, leaving the rocket going up, up, and away into space. And the announcer says that Boost will fuel your body so you can get up and go. Then the slogan is: “Boost: The Sky’s the Limit!” Or: “Boost: Fuel Up to Reach for the Stars!”

Mercedes Julius Caesar Ad (Proposed)

Mercedes has a bunch of safety features, so I thought it might be fun to display them using a famously killed historical figure like Julius Caesar. And he could be test driving a Mercedes during a March sales event, and someone warns him: “Beware the rides of March!” But Caesar ignores the warning and drives the Mercedes anyway, and all kinds of crazy stuff happens on the road, with all these accidents almost occurring, and all this stuff almost killing Caesar, but the Mercedes safety features keep him safe and prevent all the potential disasters. So then Caesar buys the Mercedes and drives off, with the guy who warned him saying to himself: “Hey, maybe it was ‘The Ides of March’, instead of ‘the rides of March’ I was supposed to warn him about?” And then the announcer says Mercedes really gives you the imperial treatment, with luxury fit for an emperor, and safety features to keep one alive.

Nike “Logan’s Run” Ad (Proposed)

From what I understand, someone’s going to remake Logan’s Run soon. And when they do, I think Nike should have a tie-in ad for their running shoes. It could go like this:

Runners are trying to run for their lives, but the Sandmen are catching them and shooting them down. Oh, but there’s one that eludes them, and no matter how hard they try, they cannot stop this one runner. And this runner is wearing Nike running shoes. And the announcer could talk about how Nike running shoes have whatever advantages to help you run as if your life depended on it. And then we see a transition of the runner from Logan’s Run becoming a runner running in Central Park, and the announcer says that without exercise, our days are numbered. And the slogan is: “Nike: Run for your life!”

And then maybe the next ad could show how other runners have heard of these life saving Nike shoes, and so they all wear them to make their escape, and when they run they all get away, making fools of the Sandmen. And the shoes are so successful, the next time there’s just a stampede of runners, and they overwhelm and just run right over the Sandmen, who are powerless to stop them. And then all the Sandmen quit.

Oh, but then I guess a rival shoe company could make an ad showing the runners getting away from the Sandmen in their Nike shoes, but just then a Sandman appears wearing the rival’s shoes, and he catches and kills them all.

This is Logan’s Run, for those who are unfamiliar (It was a big Sci-Fi movie right before Star Wars, which immediately eclipsed it):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logan's_Run_(film)

Mendacity Men

From the producers of Mad Men comes the show about political operatives and spin merchants in the slimy corridors of power in Washington, D.C.: Mendacity Men!

You’ve seen the drama behind the scenes of how they sell us products, but now see the behind-the-scenes daily drama of how they sell us the policies and politicians!

If you thought Mad Men was fascinatingly venal and vapid, then wait until you see how much lower they can sink!

That’s Mendacity Men: Coming this Fall to some TV channel! (Okay, maybe it’s not.)

Accuse Russia of Invading: The Video Game

Wow, this is such a great video game! I just got it today when I heard about it on the news from Sergei Lavrov, when he said aerial photographs of Russian troop incursions into Ukraine were “from a video game.” I just had to play that game!

And man, it’s a totally awesome game! You can fake satellite photography of troop buildups and invasions across borders, make phony videos of Russian troops, tanks and heavy artillery driving down the road on any street available to Google Earth, and it has totally photorealistic characters who claim to have seen Russian military incursions into whatever country you want it to look like they’re invading. It’s fun for the whole family!

It’s the most fun way to get Russian officials to deny an invasion! Get yours today!

Sorry, it’s not available on GameFly yet, so order yours today at BlameRussiaGame.com.

UBS “Network” (Joke) Ad

I saw the great satire movie Network again recently, and I noticed that the TV station is called UBS. Well, there’s a Swiss financial services firm called UBS, so why not use the Network shtick in their ads? They could have some Howard Beale-type guy in his pajamas and a raincoat say that his investment company drove him crazy with all their fees and fine print, and if yours drives you crazy too, you should do what he did, and yell at them: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” And then switch to UBS, where they’ll make you rich as hell, instead of mad as hell.

Punk Rock and Cadillac Ads

Whenever I try to listen to my favorite punk and hardcore music on YouTube, it’s always preceded by an ad for Cadillac: and not the kind you can skip over after 5 seconds, either. It’s not that they’re so bad or anything (although seeing the same one over and over again for hours before each and every song I want to hear does get a bit grating: maybe they ought to fix that issue by mixing up the ads a bit?), but wow, what an inappropriate ad to go before ‘80s punk stuff, whose main objective was to rip on materialism and consumerism and corporate America! I mean, here we’ve got one of the all-time best-known symbols for affluent American materialist consumer success: a Cadillac. You just can’t get much closer to spitting in the face of the punk bands than commercialism, especially an advertisement for a luxury car, something that is about as representative of what these bands were against than anything possibly could be. It’s ironic, isn’t it?

AfterMath

(Another Entry in the Educational Horror Movie Genre!)

AfterMath is the upcoming brain-twisting mathematical horror thriller, and if you’re a masochist for mathematics, or a sadist for spite, then this one is for you!

A class of brilliant and exceptional but sociopathic students in a school for the gifted takes advanced mathematics classes from a professor who is so relentlessly abusive, it drives them to acts of deviously twisted creative brilliance in a delirious mathematical torture revenge plot!

You’ll witness: the tormented torture of stress positions, placement of a body within different polygon-shaped blades, with hanging weights from parts of the body creating the action of an equation, where a = agony, b = barbaric, f = fear, and v = violence! (And x = xtreme, and y = yikes!)

There’s the triple triangle torture terror of equilateral evisceration, isosceles impalement, and scalene skewering, and the circular horrors of the pi piercing!

Geometrical gore, algebraic anguish, trigonometric terror, calculus cruelty: all the maniacal mathematical malevolence you can process, all combined to multiply the terror exponentially in AfterMath: horror calculated to be so mind-shatteringly advanced, you can’t even begin to comprehend it!

That’s AfterMath: Your tutorial in terror is coming soon to a theater near you!

President Obama Wins Nobel War Prize

He’s already got a Nobel Peace Prize. But now, with his decisive response to ISIS and the crisis in Ukraine, President Obama has won the coveted Nobel War Prize! But, like with the Nobel Peace Prize, he hasn’t actually done anything yet to deserve it. But hey: at least maybe he’ll earn that earlier Peace Prize by doing nothing while everyone else fights it out to the death on their merry way to World War III. Or maybe he’ll earn the War Prize by getting us stuck in another war? (Gee, I wonder if by then the president will have a strategy yet?*)

* (Today President Obama had a press conference to announce that we have no strategy yet. Wow, what a relief to know they have no idea what the hell to do about anything!)

Here’s the as yet undetermined story they needed a press conference to tell us about:

http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-on-isis-we-dont-have-a-strategy-yet/

Hey, maybe he’s trying to keep all of our enemies guessing until they have panic attacks?

Trigger Happy: The Antidepressant Ammunition

Are you feeling gun metal blue? Do you feel you are going gun nuts sometimes? Then try Trigger Happy, the antidepressant specifically formulated for the firearms enthusiast. Don’t let the gun control push make you trigger sad, take Trigger Happy and get happy!

Why let your mood get shot down like a clay pigeon when you can aim for the sky? Get happy: Trigger Happy! It’s the pharmaceutical ammo that targets depression.

It’s the NRA’s choice of NRA (New Rifleman Antidepressant): Trigger Happy!

Available in cartridge-shaped pulvules to let you feel locked and loaded. Ask your doctor about Trigger Happy, and get an ammo clip of antidepressants today!

That’s Trigger Happy: It’s got the drop on depression, and soon you’ll have happiness in your sights. It targets depression and blows it away: It can’t miss!

(Side effects may include hair trigger and itchy trigger finger.)

The Matrix Political Ads

I don’t know if anyone has ever made a political ad based upon the movie The Matrix, and its color-coded pills, but when you think about it, it’s perfect: the pills are red and blue, and the blue pill keeps you in the Matrix that controls your life, while the red pill awakens you to reality and tosses you out of the Matrix and its life support system, enabling you to fight the system. And blue is the color of the Democratic Party, and red is the color of the Republican Party. And that seems pretty appropriate when you think about it, doesn’t it?

But this idea can be used for a political ad for either party pretty much equally well: that’s the funny thing. It’s just a matter or making the Matrix system seem benevolent or malevolent. After all, while it does feed off of humans, it also provides for them. On the other hand, it might be nice to have personal freedom from a ravenous all-controlling system that completely controls your whole life.

So for a political ad for Republicans based upon The Matrix, first wee see a scene like the one from The Matrix where someone is offered a blue pill or a red pill. In the first scenario, the character takes the blue pill. The blue pill represents the Democratic Party, and when they take the blue pill, they become conditioned to accept big government controlling every aspect of their lives, and they lose their personal freedoms while being forced to participate in numerous cradle-to-grave government programs, causing their lives to be monopolized by bureaucratic red tape; but while they are frustrated, they have been brainwashed to accept this as an unavoidable reality, as education as well as news and entertainment are largely controlled by liberal Democrats, so big government taking over everyone’s life seems normal to them.

Then we see the scenario flipped, and this time the character takes the red pill. The red pill represents the Republican Party, and as soon as the character takes the red pill, reality begins to fall apart, and the character sees the system of big government for what it is (according to how Republicans see it): a voracious monstrosity attempting to control everyone and everything, taking freedom and liberty and individualism from everyone, feeding off the people, addicting them to social programs to buy votes and maintain absolute control. And so our hero joins with the Republicans, a ragtag band of stalwart heroic warriors bent on removing the stranglehold big government has on everyone’s life and winning back the individual liberties guaranteed in the Constitution.

And for a political ad for Democrats based upon The Matrix, we see people living their lives normally, with job security, nice housing, healthcare, etc. Oh, but then someone is offered a choice, and they take the red pill, representing the Republicans, and immediately the system rejects them, and we see the scene where the person in the pod is unplugged from the system by a robot, and then they’re flushed out of the system in a completely weakened state to fend for themselves or die. Except in this case, there’s no ship of rebels to save them, and subjected to the harshness of the world, without the help from the government, they suffer and die of exposure and hunger. And then the announcer says that Republicans view the government as an evil system like in The Matrix, and if they gain control of it again, they’ll try to destroy it, and kick everyone off of the necessary support systems, leaving everyone helpless and alone to fend for themselves, with nowhere to turn, in difficult, turbulent times.

See how well this would work as a political ad for both sides? Which pill would you pick: comfort and security with major tradeoffs in liberty vs. freedom and liberty with hardship and no guarantees of security? And that’s really where we are today choice-wise, between the two political parties, according to the cases they make for each of their sides, and what they stand for. It comes down to how you feel about the Matrix (read: Big Government) as a system: friend or foe.

(BTW: I’m not advocating for either political party: I’m an Independent. I don’t like either of them, and their constant partisan bickering is tearing this country apart.)

The Vibranator

We’re seeing more and more news stories about fears of robots becoming self-aware and destroying humanity in the near future. But we’ve also seen a lot of stories about how people are working on sexbots: robots people can have sex with. So how about combining these two ideas into one exciting, but humiliating, sci-fi action extravaganza about sex robots attacking humanity with vibrators?

Yes, it’s The Vibranator: sensual seductive sexbots-turned sadistic sci-fi assassins! Who wouldn’t want to see that? It’s got everything: action, adventure, apocalyptic sci-fi stuff, sex, comedy, plus it would give an extra thrill to Moral Majority types to see people punished for their sexbot fetishes and naughty behavior.

Lock your doors, zip your pants, but you’ll never escape the vile vibrating violence of: The Vibranator! When their good vibrations turn to evil spasms of murderous, lethal violence, humanity will be shaking in terror! Soon humanity will become sextinct, from the vicious vibrating villainy of: The Vibranator! (Coming soon to a theater near you!)

(Battery companies could make tie-in ads claiming their batteries last long enough for The Vibranator to make humanity extinct, so they’ll definitely last long enough to finish you off.)

Of course, this threat could come from another source as well, when the AllSpark (from the Transformers movies) gets on some electric sex toys! But that would likely be called: Transporners, rather than: The Vibranator. But either way, we will surely shake and shudder with fear! Yes, humanity had better prepare itself to be vibrated off this mortal coil…

We’ll be shaking in our shoes, and maybe some other places too! I shudder to think of it!

Eville

It’s Eville, the town of moral corruption and decay! Which is ironic, because its name is based upon ‘e’, as in ‘electronic’ and ‘e-commerce’. Yes, it’s a town founded for the Internet business age, but its promise of happiness and prosperity has been broken and corrupted by the dark side of the Internet and its effects upon society (!); so it’s all full of human pop-up ads, jumping up with ad billboards wherever you go, scammers trying to bilk you and steal your identity all the time, pornography as far as the eye can see, salacious scandal rag headline news only, graffiti made up of mean personal insults on every surface, etc. And there are deadly viruses everywhere! Aaaa! If only we could log out of our lives in Eville!