Throw the Shoe: An Iranian Game Show?

As we all know, showing the sole of your shoe to someone is the gravest possible insult in the Middle East, and as a result we end up seeing unpopular leaders and foreign dignitaries being pelted with shoes. (In fact, it was reported that Iranian President Rouhani got a shoe lobbed at him after his historic phone call with President Obama.) And that’s why it would make for such a fun game show to throw shoes at people everyone is mad at! If someone would have the sense to make it, I’ll bet Throw the Shoe would quickly become the most popular game show in Iran!

Yes, it’s Throw the Shoe, the game show that’s sure to be a big hit in Iran if someone would put it on Iranian state television! Here’s how it works:

Each contestant is given a number of shoes to throw at pictures of people Iranians don’t like much: American presidents, American diplomats, Israeli government and military officials, the Shah, etc. And each time the contestant hits the picture of these people in the face with their shoes, they get fabulous cash and prizes. Oh, but surrounding each picture they want to throw shoes at is a ring of pictures of people who are popular in, and in fact are in charge of, Iran; like the Ayatollah, the Mullahs, etc. And if you accidentally hit one of these pictures with your shoe, you go to prison or get executed, depending on who it is you’ve hit. (Yes, even if you do it by accident, they’ll treat you as if you conspired to do it.)

Then, in the bonus round, the winning contestant is pelted with brand new, never worn models of the newest, most wonderful and fashionable and most expensive shoes in the world in their exact size (Jimmy Choo, Alexander McQueen, Giuseppe Zanotti, Prada, etc.), and they have to act angry and detest each and every shoe and then they win them all. But, if they express any interest whatsoever in any of the shoes, they lose everything.

How long will it be before Iran gets to watch Throw the Shoe? And once they see how popular it is, it can be expanded to every country in the Middle East! Yes, the next TV phenomenon to seep the region is: Throw the Shoe!

Stabba Dabba You (Flintstones Horror Movie)

You know there must have been horror movies in Bedrock, right? After all, what else are the stone-age teenage stoners going to do back in the days before video games and texting? And I think I know what kind of horror movie they might have watched back then too: something like this: Stabba Dabba You!

So here’s what this movie would be: Kazoo shows up for the first time, and convincing Fred he is a god, Kazoo demands sacrifice. So Fred Flintstone would grab an obsidian-blade knife and go on a bloody rampage, cutting the hearts out of all the nubile young virgins in Bedrock, all the while chanting: “Stabba Dabba You!” He is only stopped when he tries to sacrifice Pebbles and Bam Bam, and Bam Bam bashes his brains out and crushes the life out of Kazoo in his powerful death grip. (But never fear: it’s only a movie, after all.)

(On Christmas Eve, 2013, I saw a Robot Chicken sketch that's kind of like this. It's not the same, but it is similar. So I thought I should mention they thought of this kind of thing first, but I hadn't ever seen it until three months after I wrote this.)

Duralast Zombie Car Battery Ad (Proposed)

We’ve all seen the horror movies where people are trying to escape from zombie hordes and they get in their car and it won’t start. Well, wouldn’t that make a fun ad for a car battery? People would pile into their car, trying to escape from zombies, and it wouldn’t start, the zombies would catch them, and they’d get eaten. Then the announcer could say that this will always happen to you if you don’t use Duralast (or whatever brand of) car batteries. (And it will serve you right, too!) And the zombies, gorily masticating their victims, could say: “Please don’t buy Duralast car batteries: you guys are delicious, and we don’t want you to get away!”

Plus, maybe zombies could make an ad for some crappy brand of car battery in the hopes that we’ll all buy the lame batteries and we won’t be able to escape when the zombies are trying to eat us.

(BTW: A couple of years ago, Duralast made an ad where they claimed there’s nothing worse than a dead car battery. Well, using this zombie attack scenario would perfectly illustrate that point, wouldn’t it?)

The Omega Man (1971)

The upside to a post-apocalyptic urban existence

The Omega Man is another dystopian futuristic sci-fi/horror movie starring Charlton Heston. In it, our stoic stalwart hero lives in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that is Los Angeles, California, after a chemical/biological war, leaving the city a veritable ghost town during the day, and crawling with mutant psychos at night. And this is all horrible and horrific and everything, but when I see it today, the first thing that strikes me is the upside to this scenario: there are so many places to park, there are no more traffic or parking tickets, there’s no more gridlock or rush hour traffic, etc. To the frustrated L.A. commuter, this movie starts to look like a great place to live!

Lincoln Concierge Ad

The current Lincoln ad campaign has a beautiful supermodel-looking woman as the Lincoln “Concierge” to help Lincoln owners and prospective customers know about the car and help with stuff. And she’s always smiling and very friendly, at least in the ad. But what happens after you’ve owned the car for a while? Is she always perky and smiling and helpful, or does the honeymoon end once you’ve already bought the car? And does she ever become demanding or possessive? Like, say you have owned the Lincoln for a few months, and you know the car pretty well by then, and you don’t seem to need the concierge so much anymore; will she get jealous and vindictive? And what if you have to travel and you rent another car; will she notice that you have another car’s smell on your clothes and accuse you of disloyalty and cheating on your Lincoln? And does she appear when you’re on a date and ask who that woman with you is, and don’t you love her anymore, or perhaps even lock you out of the car as revenge? Or how about after you’ve owned the car for a few years, and you’re still asking the concierge to appear and help you; will she accuse you of being clingy and codependent? I mean, I know she’s all nice now, but she doesn’t really know you yet, she might not even like you once she does. And she looks nice now, but she might turn out to be a psycho, or very high maintenance. (I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think of silly things like this when I see most ads.)

Oh, and near the end of the spot, we see a woman walking down a spiral staircase in the Lincoln customer's apartment. So, um, when she sees her man interacting with some attractive woman on his tablet computer, will she think he's getting involved in some Anthony Weiner-esque sexting cheating activity and dump/divorce him?

Here’s the Lincoln Concierge ad:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqiU_72MOnY

Robocallsaurus

Robocalls are lame and annoying, but Robosaurus is awesome, awesome, awesome, so the car-crushing power of Robosaurus will now become the call-crushing power of Robocallsaurus: the fire-breathing steel behemoth telemarketer! And if you hang up on Robocallsaurus, it will crush and burn down your house (!), so you’d better listen to each and every robocall just in case it’s Robocallsaurus. But don’t worry, because once Robocallsaurus starts making robocalls, they will all be awesome, awesome, awesome!

Petco “Co-” Ad

The new Petco ad I have just seen is really quite good, using as it does the “co” at the end of their company name in a series of titles, like “companions”, “costars”, etc. But the first thing it made me think of was an ad making use of other possibilities with the “co” prefix, like so:

Co-dependent: We see a dog in an apartment barking all day at the front door, and then we cut to other apartment resident holding their ears, saying: “Oh my God! Can someone please shut that damn dog up?” Then we cut to an office, where a woman is stressed at work and can’t get anything done; her boss asks what’s wrong, and she says that she can’t do anything without her dog; but as there are no dogs allowed at the office, she spazzes out, and is fired.

Co-conspirators: The woman, now out of a job, tries to turn to a life of crime, so as she prepares to rob her former employer’s payroll, she says to her dog: “Okay, you distract everyone by barking and jumping around, and I’ll sneak in and steal the money.”

Co-defendants: The woman and the dog are arrested for their criminal conspiracy, and are tried together. The woman says to the judge: “It was all the dog’s idea! He made me do it!” Then the dog looks over at his owner angrily, growls and bites her.

Here’s that nice Petco ad:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiG1w-At3So

(BTW: 2 months after this post Petco ran a Christmas ad with the "Co-conspirator" idea, but with a dog as a co-conspirator of a Christmas gift surprise.)

Movie Specific Anti Cell Phone Theater Ads?

We’ve seen the ads asking us not to use our cell phones in the movie theater before the movie plays, but are they too generic? How about ads to go with each specific movie, or at least each genre? Like for example, for a shoot-‘em-up action movie, someone could be shown on the phone during the movie, and the gun-wielding assassins & heroes walk out of the screen and all shoot the person with the phone. And for a zombie movie, the zombies could lumber down the aisle and eat the person on the phone. And for a vampire movie, we see vampire hunters about to stake a vampire, but someone on the phone distracts them, and they jump off the screen and drive the stake through their heart as the vampire applauds them. You get the idea. When are we going to see this sort of thing? It might get a roar of approval from the audience.

Bo Xilai Beaujolais

Do you want to live the high life? Do you long for a wine with the rotten sweetness of corruption? Then try Bo Xilai Beaujolais! Its light red color comes from the embarrassment of the Chinese communist party, and its bouquet from the stench of political corruption. Plus, every bottle you buy will help with the Bo Xilai Defense Fund. Order your bottle today!

Historical Horror Movies

I read a news story today that claims hardly anyone in America can name our first four presidents in order, as well as most everyone being practically oblivious to everything else about our country, like who we won our independence from, who we fought in the Cold War, who is on the Supreme Court, etc. So in the spirit of my other scholastic splatter films, I would like now to suggest a new educational horror movie genre: historical horror.

Okay, so here’s how this would work: Kids would be driven by their history teacher (driven insane with their lack of historical knowledge and their apathy about it) to what they think is a field trip, but which is really more like a torture dungeon, and there they’d be asked to identify historical figures by name, with each historical figure played by a person dressed like them and describing what they did. And if a student can’t identify them, the figure tortures and kills them in the style of the day the figure comes from. And that would be the first movie, called The Horrors of History.

Then, the next movie would show another school group on a field trip being pulled over by US Marshals and taken to a replica of the Supreme Court, where they are faced with a different type of Supreme Court: one that asks them to tell what they know about the American Justice System, the Supreme Court, the branches of the Federal Government, etc. And if they fail this test, they are judged (and punished)! And this one would be called Supreme Judgment.

Red Flagg: New TV Action Spy Drama

Every time there’s a security breach, leak, terrorist attack or a spree shooting, the news finds tons of evidence to suggest this stuff was likely, and yet somehow the powers that be didn’t notice the “red flags”. So that gives me an idea for a new TV action drama spy show: Red Flagg!

Yes, it’s Red Flagg, the foreign evil entity special ops guy who infiltrates government agencies and military contractors and steals secrets and commits sabotage and gets away clean each and every time. And when the news finds out, they uncover all this funny stuff about his background, and his past activities, and yet still nobody noticed any red flags. And so then we’d see the higher-ups in whatever government agency or military group grilling the human resources people, saying: “You didn’t notice those red flags?” And the human resources chief would say: “Um, no… Sorry.” And the big guy would say: “Well, his name is Red Flagg… Did you notice that?” And they’d all shake their heads and look ashamed. And then the next week, we’d see Red Flagg applying for and getting security clearance for a new job at some sensitive facility, despite his name and face being all over the news lately. And this would go on for years, being the one repeating part of each episode of the show (in addition to him never changing his name, and always getting away with everything).

And the slogan of the show would be: “Red Flagg: He is a red flag: The one nobody notices until it’s too late!”

Spelling Splatter & Vocabulary Violence Movies (New Educational Horror Movie Genre)

It is often commented upon how uneducated American youths are. But are we doing all we can to motivate our kids? We’ve tried encouragement and bribery, but how about using their own movies to encourage them to learn? And what better way than to have slasher horror movies where the punishment for not learning things properly is a violent and gory death? And that’s why I propose the Department of Education get into the horror movie business! And what better place to start than with spelling?

That’s right: spelling. We’ve seen how kids are rewarded who win national spelling bees, but how about how those kids who lose are punished? This could be a whole new subgenre of the splatter film: Spelling Splatter! Yes, this time the bee would sting for those who lose, and so the first film would have to be called: Killer Bee (spelling bee, that is!).

Yes, it’s Killer Bee: the spelling bee movie where every contestant who spells something wrong is executed in the goriest manner possible! And that’s why every word that is chosen is a horrific form of torture or death (!). And if they misspell this word, it happens to them!

And then, of course, there would have to be a Hangman movie, where students try to guess the word in a game of Hangman, and for every letter they get wrong, they get something chopped off, until finally whatever’s left of them gets hanged (!!).

And after this stomach-churning word horror movie, it’s Crucified Crossword: the movie where anyone who does not solve a crossword puzzle correctly gets crucified on a giant version of their crossword puzzle (!!!).

And after this terrifying tale comes Screaming Scrabble: the slasher movie where substandard students must play a game of Scrabble for their very lives, and where losing means their bodies will be scrambled in a twisted gory mess!

And then, after all the spelling word games, it’s the ultimate twice-told torture-porn tale: Tongue-Twister of Terror: the pronunciation piece de resistance, where if a kidnapped contestant pronounces a word incorrectly, their tongues are twisted off, causing them to bleed to death in a raging rivulet of red gore!

Yes, it’s the Spelling Splatter genre: learn to spell, or your life is hell! Learn what words mean, or you’ll be treated real mean! Learn to pronounce, or horror will pounce! These movies are guaranteed to scare kids straight: to school! (The Spelling Splatter genre is the only genre of splatter/torture porn horror movies endorsed by the Violent Vocabulary Volunteers of America, as well as the Torture Porn Teachers Association.)

Grammatical Gore Movies: The Axe Man Cometh, The Slang Slayer

The Axe Man Cometh is the upcoming slasher horror movie and the only film of its type ever to earn the High School Grammatical Society’s Seal of Approval, which is surprising, because it’s just the usual gory slasher horror movie about a twisted killer who chops teens up with an axe. But maybe it’s the killer’s motivations that warrant the approval. Here’s a capsule review of the story:

The scene is a ghost town in America that used to be a thriving town before all the outsourcing of manufacturing jobs. All that remains is a gas station for errant commuters, run by the former high school English teacher. He chose to stay because it’s the only place where he can avoid hearing the corruption of the English language. But one day, a van full of partying teens loses their way and breaks an axle on their van in a particularly deep pothole, so they have to stay in the town. Well, it just so happens that our gas station English teacher is a nice man generally, but when he hears people intentionally mispronounce words, he turns into a maniac, killing them with the very implement they unknowingly reference. And so it was that the party teens show up at this gas station and say: “Can we axe you something?” Well, that’s all our former English teacher needs to hear, and he sees red, grabbing an axe, exclaiming: “No! Let me axe you!!!” and chasing them all over the town until he kills them all (except one, the final girl, who snaps him out of it by saying: “Please sir, may I ask why you are killing us?” at which point he snaps out of it and calls the police on himself, opening up the possibility of a sequel: The Axe Man Cometh 2 Kill Again).

And then if this movie is a big enough hit with high school English teachers, there will be more “grammatical gore” movies with all the “vicious, vengeful vocabulary violence” you can handle, beginning with The Slang Slayer.

Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: the killer who so detests slang and teen-speak, whenever he hears it, he kills, using whatever means seems to match the slang used. For example, if he heard a teen say something was “dope”, he’d grab them and forcefully inject them with an overdose of dope. And if someone said something was “phat”, he’d force-feed them until they burst. And if he heard someone say something was “tight”, he’d wrap a rope around their neck and tighten it until it garroted them. And if someone claimed something was “slammin’”, he’d repeatedly slam them into the floor until they were a bloody pulp. And if someone said: “That’s cold!”, he’d lock them in a freezer until they froze to death. And if he heard someone say: “S/he’s smokin’ hot!”, he’d douse them with gasoline and set them alight! And if someone were to say something is “the bomb”, he’d blow them up! And if someone said: “Man, I’m so high!”, he’d grab them and launch them up into the air from a catapult, causing them to fall to their death! Yes, it’s The Slang Slayer: Coming soon to a high school English class near you!

Sanctuary! (The White Queen and Logan’s Run)

Anyone who has Starz has doubtless been watching The White Queen, perhaps the best of these elaborate, colorful and sexed-up history series on cable movie channels. And in recent episodes, nobles, especially women, have been keeping themselves safe in Sanctuary inside the church. And just last week, TCM’s sci-fi spotlight had Logan’s Run on, another movie dealing with Sanctuary. Only in the case of Logan’s Run, Sanctuary is what the “Sandmen” (executioners who kill everyone upon reaching the age of 30) are looking for so as to stamp it out. And so every time I hear someone referring to Sanctuary in The White Queen, I see in my mind Sandmen from Logan’s Run appearing in the church and exclaiming: “Sanctuary! I knew it existed! Kill the runners!” And then the Sandmen would shoot everyone with their laser guns, crying: “Renew! Renew!”

Retro Product Placement?

In seeing the movie Total Recall (the original one) again, I am reminded of lots of other sci-fi movies where we see big advertisements all over the place in the movies. But oddly for contemporary viewers, many of these companies featured in sci-fi movies of the recent past (but with future dates) no longer exist, like Pan Am and TWA airlines, etc. And that makes me think: hey, what an opportunity for current companies! We all saw how George Lucas added extra digital stuff to his Star Wars movies as they went to DVD and such, so why not offer companies an opportunity to buy product placement from BluRay releases of movies where the original companies no longer exist? And actually, if that works, why not simply sell the rights to all the in-movie advertising for each and every movie that ever comes out on cable, On Demand, DVD, BluRay, streaming, etc., and just replace whatever was originally there (or add as needed)? Sure the company paid their money, but they couldn’t have anticipated all the future technologies for film distribution, right? So then doesn’t that negate their original contracts? And if not, then can’t the movie people just say some hacker attack or sunspot radiation erased all the contracts or something? And besides, by doing this sort of thing, where newer companies replace older, no longer existing companies (and out-of-date or no-longer hot/cool ones), wouldn’t that make the movie more relevant for current audiences and as such make the movies more believable? Because after all, isn’t it all about the movie experience (and cashing in on product placement)?

A.I.: The End

At the end of the movie A.I. (Artificial Intelligence), the robot kid David just wants his mother back. And while the robot aliens or whatever they are can't seem to recreate her as a robot or a hologram, they've recreated everything else from his memory. Seems like they could make a fake Mom too, but whatever. Oh, but just when we think it's hopeless, the teddy bear character remembers it has a lock of the mother's hair! (Really? It kept all that hair for so long? Um, okay...) But the robot aliens then claim they can only make a human live for one day once it has been recreated. (That's not what I remember about cloning, but whatever...) Oh, but can't they cut all that hair up into multiple pieces per stand and give the robot kid thousands of days with his "Mom"? Oh well, maybe they don't really care about this kid robot after all, and I have to assume Steven Spielberg doesn't either, because what's going to happen after the last scene we see before the end credits roll? Why, David is going to wake up next to the rotting corpse/skeleton of his mother (!!!). That's very nice. Plus, as an ageless, deathless child, he'll be traumatized for all eternity after this episode.